In Over My Head

6 hours of doing nothing but trying to pull together a mediocre Ethos presentation. That's what I have been doing this Friday evening. I haven't been out with friends. I haven't been out on a date with my fiancé. No, I've been in my apartment trying to see my blank computer screen through the tears of defeat that just will not go away.

I wouldn't go as far to say that I'm any sort of genius, but I also know that I'm not dumb either. I typically am able to figure things out and I'm able to pull together pretty awesome presentations if I work hard enough. However, this Ethos presentation I have to give on Wednesday for my Persuasion class is kicking me down. Hard. For whatever reason, my brain just will not grasp whatever concept or objective I need to achieve. If I have no idea what the end goal is or what I'm supposed to be trying to do, how in the world do I even go about picking a topic?! Do you see why I've been trying to pull my hair out? I'm frustrated, discouraged, and defeated, and its only my 2nd week as a Communications major. Great, right?

Normally I'm not the type of pessimistic person who would let one bad night or one bad project discourage me this much. However, when this discouragement comes so soon after making a major change, its hard not to feel like I made a horrible mistake in switching my major. It doesn't really help or encourage me at all when the words from my professor are replaying in my mind as I sit here trying to figure out what to do for this presentation. See, I thought I was being proactive in going to meet with my professor and see if she could offer any guidance. What I didn't anticipate was coming out of there with a feeling of, "you have no business being a communications major if you can't survive this upper level speech course". Apparently, all of my ideas were that of a "lower level". Whatever that means. Is she right? What business do I have being a communications major? Every single person in every single one of my classes started out as Communications majors. They are going to eat me alive on Wednesday. And I won't have anything to say to defend myself because I know more than anyone how in over my head I am.

I can't help but ask myself as the tears of frustration spill over, "what am I doing? I just made a huge mistake." But then I remember how I made this decision to change majors in the first place. God wanted this for me. He was the one who called me to change my course of study. God wanted me to be a Communications major. And you know what else? God doesn't make mistakes. Ever. He never has, and He never ever will. Not with my life, and not with your life. This in over my head feeling is exactly where God needs me to be right now because I literally have no other option but to rely on Him. He wanted me to be exactly where I am right now to teach me that my own self reliance is stupid. The only way He was able to get that through my stubborn head was to put me in a situation where I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, and I had no way out of it. It's in the times when I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing that God teaches me how completely worthless I am on my own, and how trivial my own efforts are when I try to do things without Him.

My hands don't know what to type. My brain doesn't know what to produce. I am literally at a stand still as far as this presentation is concerned. The only thing I can do is wait for God to give me some sort of inspiration. He will give me the words. After all, it was His voice that called me here to this place. So instead of feeling like it was me who made a huge mistake to switch majors, I'm going to wipe away these tears of defeat and frustration and remember that it was God who called me to this, and it is God who will get me through it. Who cares if my professor thinks I have no business as a Communications major. Right now in this very moment, I am right where God wants me, and that's the only place I ever want to be.

At the end of the day, and at the end of my life, I know it won't really matter how this presentation turns out. What will matter is what I learn from this place God has me in at the moment. I suppose it will be a lesson of full reliance and surrender to Him- being comfortable with being uncomfortable. Something I am very not comfortable with.

I guess this is a time to practice what I preached in my previous post by focusing on what really matters. Put my stones in before my sand. And while homework is important for college students to work at, it certainly isn't a stone I would put in my jar before my family or spending time with Mitchell. Therefore, I am making the decision to close my computer and spend some quality time with one of my biggest and most important "stones"- my fiancé who has been nothing but patient, helpful, and unbelievably sweet to me today. He even surprised me with flowers! This Ethos presentation can wait until morning, because in the grand scheme of my life, its just a grain of sand in comparison to what really matters to me. Whatever grain of sand has you worried right now, my prayer for you is that you'll be able to let it go, at least for a little while to focus on the things that are most important to you, and most of all, spending time and energy on the things that are most important to God. That should be our biggest stone of all.

Thanks for taking the time to read my homework related rant. I'll be sure to let you know how the presentation ends of turning out, just in case you're interested. :) Until then.....

Keep calm and listen to some music while you put your stones before sand. ;)

Emily