My Favorite Antidepressant

It's been a hard couple of days. Re-living the week we experienced a year ago has been painful. It has brought up so many memories. Memories of our time in the hospital, but also memories of dad. It's all a part of the healing process of moving forward, but it doesn't mean it's always pleasant. In fact, it's quite ugly at times. 

Like today.

Today was the second day this week where I couldn't get out of bed. There wasn't anything wrong with my legs, rather, I couldn't find any motivation to get out of bed. The weight of it all was just too much at times. The pain of the memories can be crushing. It just seemed easier to stay in bed with the covers over my head, only to come out when I felt like watching some thoughtless show on Netflix. No, these haven't been my finest or most graceful moments. 

But you know what? I'm okay with that. It means I'm human. I'm not handling this perfectly; there's no perfect way to handle this. I'm taking each day as it comes and these past few days have been harder than others that's for sure.

Now for the silver lining.

I'm beyond amazed and thankful for the way God made us as human-beings. Because on days like today, when my depression and grief feel too heavy to bear and I can't imagine feeling any better, I remember that God made me in such a way that I have the power to do something to make myself feel better.

So, I decided to exercise. 

Yes, this may seem a little too practical for the subject matter I'm applying it to, but hear me out! I'm not the only one in the world to experience the power we've been given to completely lift our moods and make ourselves feel worthwhile again just by moving our bodies and releasing those "feel good" hormones. Trust me, after the days I've been having, I need a lot of the "feel good" ones to counter-act the "life is hopeless" and sad ones.

My workout isn't magic. It didn't take away the pain of the situation. Not even a little bit. But, it gave me a more clear, more invigorated mind. And that is just what I need these days.

My husband Mitchell always tells me, "you'll never regret it once you're done." He is right. I never regret working out once I've done it. I always regret the workouts I don't do. These days, I workout to feel better. And it's really helping on those days when I feel like I can't even get out of bed. If I can get myself to start, I can almost always push myself to finish. 

I'm so thankful God gave us this gift. The power to fight off the depression we all feel from time to time with something as simple as a workout. Don't underestimate the power it has. I've seen it!


TIP: Find a fit friend. My friend Mary has been my fitness/health inspiration and encourages me to press on. 


Those are my thoughts today. I'm thankful for exercise. It may seem like too practical of a thing to be thankful for.....but I don't think there's anything that is too practical that we shouldn't be thankful for it.

Today, I'm grateful that one of the most powerful and under-used antidepressants is inside of me, and I have the power to unlock it any time I need it. That's a pretty cool gift! 

Standing on WHAT promises?

My thoughts for today aren't long. This post will be short, but these words were placed on my heart and as a writer, I have to write about it!

As I was reading in God's Word today, I parked on a verse in Hebrews.

"Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise."- Hebrews 10:23

I don't know about you, but I've been doing a lot of holding tightly to hope. The hope of heaven, the hope of seeing my dad again, the hope of every bad thing in this world being made right, and living forever with Jesus. That's the hope I'm holding onto. 

But.......if you're like me and grew up hearing the phrase, "God is faithful. God will keep his promises" I always just accepted that as truth. 

I didn't question it. 

But maybe I should've.....

I believe that what the Bible says can be trusted. However, it wasn't until I sat on this verse that I began to ask the question, "WHAT exactly has God promised me?" After all, how can be really believe in God's promise if we aren't even sure what it is? My Type A personality needs to know what it is I'm believing. 

It's BEYOND crucial to understand just what it is that God promises to those who love Him and believe in Him. The pages of scripture are full of His promises to us, so this isn't an exhaustive list, but it blessed my heart so much today when I sat down and actually made a list of all of the things I know God has promised me. 

God promises:

To love me

To provide for me

To comfort me

To heal me

To protect me

To defend me

To guide me

To forgive me

To strengthen me

To save me

To shine through me

To save me

To hear me

To see me

To come through for me

To always be with me

He has promised these things to you, friend. The only question is, have you decided to believe Him? My hope and prayer is that you have. I'm praying that whoever is reading this post right now will choose to believe that God promises these things to us and that He WILL make good on His promises. After all is said and done, I'd rather live my life believing in these things, than live a life not believing in the God of all hope. Because without hope, what else is there really? Without God, there is nothing. 

There is a God out there who promises to love you, provide for you, comfort you, heal you, protect you, defend you, guide you, forgive you, strengthen you, shine through you, save you, hear you, see you, come through for you, and to always be with you. And He WILL make good on His promises to you and to me. You and I can trust Him.

With joy,

Emily

Moving Forward is Good

As a part of my normal nightly routine, I went back to our bedroom where it is quite, plugged in my new diffuser (loving it!) and grabbed my journal, Bible, and began to read through one of my devotions. I can always count on these 10 minute writings to speak some sort of truth into my life and heart, and it always promotes a sense of calm in me when I'm leaning over the pages of God's word. However, the truth that was given to me tonight not only spoke to my heart, it pierced my heart in the best way possible and resounded into a very deep place. I practically shouted for joy and praise when I had this realization of just how present and protective our God is. 

The teaching was about hurrying, you know the hot topic these days of being "too busy" and trying to not rush through life. Don't get me wrong, it's a very valid point and it's a very important lesson for all of us to learn. But I've read so many teachings and blog posts and books on this subject of trying to find perspective in the craziness of life.

More than I care to admit, life causes me to ask these sorts of questions and have these sort of thoughts: "What step should I take next? Where am I going in life? What was I created to do? What was the point of all that painful stuff I went through in my past? I'm so ashamed that I did that. I'm so embarrassed that that happened to me."

Now can you see where my potential for anxiety comes from? My "need to know" obsession with what the future holds for me, as well as pain, regret, shame, and discontent with what has happened to me in the past, yes these are things I think about from time to time.  But I have a feeling I'm not the only one (Please tell me I'm not alone in this!)

It's true that I'm in a season of life where God has intentionally and radically slowed me down. After graduation, after the wedding, I jumped full force into married life, working a job in RETAIL (I love shopping retail, I now know I don't enjoy working it) and still had many unresolved issues of grief, depression, trauma, and anxiety to deal with. For those of you that have already heard that story, you know its a long one. Rather than get into it all again, check out my post My Own Understanding here to get yourself caught up on that part of my journey.

Where was I? Oh, right. In the season where I was slowed down. In many ways it was beautiful. I had so much time to refocus and heal emotionally, I was able to really grow closer to Mitchell, and I was able to really spend a lot more time studying God's Word and growing more and more in my faith and relationship with Him. Such a blessing in that regard! I love what I was able to experience because of Jesus in this time. I took some time off working and just really started taking care of myself and of my new husband. :) What felt like full days to me at the time, were free of one thing......hurry. They were free of hurry. Finally, I had a time in my life where I didn't feel rushed to get into the next thing and I didn't feel like I needed to quick figure anything out. God really taught me the importance of just being. 

It was a time I will be forever grateful for. But as I'm sitting here, looking back, ready to head into a new season, one where I dip my toes in other things to fill my time, I started serving on Sunday mornings in Cross Point Kids Ministry. Those kiddos give my heart so much joy!! I also volunteer with the CP staff two days a week. I can't even begin to describe how happy I am to be back in that environment, being a part of a ministry and a church community that I love. I'm so thankful God had this opportunity to volunteer and serve for me. That's what I'm currently doing now. So you can about guess what I'm about to ask....."what's next?"

I don't think it's all bad to look forward to the future. I don't. It's when we RUSH into the future guns blazing and blow right past the pace that God is leading us, that's when we get into trouble. Case and point- what happened to me at the beginning of the summer. I rushed into what I thought I needed to do and it turned out, it wasn't God's best for me. Lesson learned the hard way.

What I've learned is that moving forward is good. It's scary, but it's necessary.

Looking back is good, too. Looking back is the only way I'm able to trust my unknown future to a known God. I see time and time again where He has proven Himself loving and faithful to me and to others in my life. If I didn't take the time to notice God's faithfulness in my past, it makes trusting Him with my future a lot harder. Additionally, I don't think it's bad to look back and to reflect and remember our past. When we get stuck in regret and shame from the past, that's a different story, but once we're healed from the pain of our past, it's okay to look back and remember the lessons it taught us and reflect on the memories we have.

So here I stand, 22 years old, freshly graduated, newly married, feeling stronger, ready to move forward. I have been dipping my toes in the water, taking baby half steps towards the future God has for me. Ever so gently, I feel God nudging me along, increasing the pace at which I'm moving. At the beginning of the summer, it was slow, like "get out of bed before 2pm and you're winning" slow. But then it started moving to where I was able to get out of the house, volunteer, serve, meet up with old friends, and eventually, be brave enough to meet new people, step into new situations. I was moving forward without even really realizing I was doing it. 

As I was sitting here reading my devotional for the night, I started reflecting and thinking about all of this, and what it really means to me as a follower of Christ. A verse from Isaiah was highlighted, and this is what I was talking about when I said it pierced me. It pierced me so deeply, it motivated me to devote an entire blog post to it. Simply journaling about it wasn't enough.

It says in Isaiah 52:12 "You will not leave in a hurry, running for your lives. For the LORD will go ahead of you; yes, the God of Israel will protect you from behind." 

God goes ahead of me. He is the one leading me, yes, but time and time again, I think I see where He's leading me, and I think "oh, yeah. I know the way now, I know where I'm going" and I rush way ahead and go go go as fast as I can to try and get to where I think I'm supposed to go. Once I think I know the way, I go for it with abandon. Tonight, this verse spoke convicting truth to my heart: not only does God go before me to show me the way; God goes before me to set the pace. God sets the RIGHT pace of my life. His pace isn't going to be so fast that I become drained. He establishes a pace of life that is going to be best for me. I can set the pace just fine for myself, but like it usually is with running, I usually start out too fast and end up going a pace I can't sustain for very long. I get burned out. That's not how God's pace setting works. He knows what I can and cannot handle. I'm perfectly fine letting Him set the pace for my life because I've seen life at my own pace and it was a hurried and exhausted mess. 

The verse also says that God follows behind me. Yes, God is so powerful and so beyond our understanding, and He can actually be in more than 1 place at 1 time. He can go ahead and also be there to protect me from behind. (Wait, how cool is that?!) With God following behind me, that means that nothing from my past is able to sneak up on me. Not if I'm trusting God to be my protection. I'm still able to look back and see the lessons, I can still see the memories. God is there behind me to make sure I don't get stuck in one place. He is there to encourage and guide me along and He keeps me moving forward.

What encouraging truth!! God promises to go before me, to blaze the trail, and set the pace, but he also follows behind me to make sure I don't get preoccupied in the past and keeps my feet moving forward AT HIS PACE. Wow. This lesson could not have come at a better time in my life. As I stand here, I'm on the brink of something new....I can feel it. 

I'm stronger than I was.

I'm ready for what God has planned for me. 

I'm ready for what's next. 

I'm finally moving forward.

I'm so grateful that I get to share my journey with you, friends. Thank you for following along. 

With so much gratitude for what's behind and abundant joy for what's ahead, 

Emily 

I Believe in Therapy

Yes, I believe wholeheartedly in therapy. I firmly believe that God has worked through sessions to speak truth and breathe life back into my life. 

Does that make me weak? I certainly don't think so. Does that mean that I'm dramatic? I don't think so. Does therapy make me less of a person than those who choose not to attend therapy? No, I really don't believe that it does. Does that make me a BAD Christian to go to someone else for therapy? I don't think so, because I believe God uses therapy all of the time to heal and restore and bring hope to MILLIONS of people who choose to attend therapy.

Science has proven time and time again how effective and helpful it can be to see a therapist for trauma, grief, relationship struggles, life coaching, and general encouragement. As someone very wise once said, "there's no one in the world who wouldn't benefit from it." Therapy is a gift I have been blessed to experience. 

I dislike the negative stigma of weakness attached to it. Those who think of themselves as too "put together" for therapy or somehow that they're better people, stronger people because they don't "need to see a therapist" are poorly educated about the scientific benefits of therapy and the ways God has used therapy to change millions and millions of lives for the better.

These are the rantings of someone who has personally witnessed the powerful and amazing benefits of attending trauma and grief therapy. I will continue seeing a therapist until the day I die and I'm going to be a healthier, mentally, emotionally and spiritually stronger me because of it! Therapy isn't just for those who are struggling, but for those who want to improve any area of their life.

And let's be real.....every single one of us has room for improvement, don't we? We're all a dang mess. Every single one of us. We're all a mess, and we all need God. God has used therapy in amazing ways in my life.

You feel as if you may not need it in your life? That's perfectly fine. I'm not saying everyone needs to see a therapist on a regular basis. But I do think it is extremely rude and prideful to think that therapy is beneath you or something that only weak people need and something only "rich people" can afford. Nothing is further from the truth. There are thousands of therapists who make therapy affordable for anyone who needs help.

Bottom line: Science proves therapy to be effective and beneficial. Life is hard and some of us want help. That doesn't make us weak. Perhaps it makes us smart? (notice I didn't say smartER, I simply just said "smart") Smart because we're willing to receive help that is available.....because let's face it, trying to do it all alone and hold it all together is exhausting for every single one of us.

So what? I go to therapy. I love it and it's changing my life. 

{ My Own Understanding } : That Time Proverbs 3:5-6 Hit Me in the Face

The last few months have been incredibly hard. Not only is grief hard -because it is- but figuring out how to move forward, how to put context around losing my dad, how to figure it out and understand it all- it’s been hard. Incredibly hard. In fact, I can’t even put it into words, but those of you who have gone through something similar, perhaps you understand all too well when I say, “it’s hard”.

What some of you know by now is that for the past several months, I’ve been in a very intense form of trauma and grief therapy. It’s been working wonders and I really do feel that God has been working and moving in my life through these therapy sessions.

Losing a loved one is tragic anyway you slice it. Losing a parent sucks. But there was something so horrible in the way that my father passed away. A man so healthy, so full of life, so wonderful, he wasn’t supposed to go so soon. Some of you followed along on our Caring Bridge site and understand maybe a little more about our time spent in the hospital. For the sake of my readers, and for the privacy of my family, I won’t go into details about what happened and what we saw. But trust me when I tell you, it was not pleasant.

There were images and situations that rocked me to my core and those images and situations caused a lot of anxiety in my life- to the point of panic attacks and then, at the beginning of the summer, a brief time spent hospitalized.

DISCLAIMER: Don’t feel bad if you weren’t aware of this. It was my choice not to publicly announce it at the time. In reality, it was a very brief stay so we didn’t inform many people about it. That was my choice and I knew that someday I would want to share my story. At the time, it was a very personal matter and I chose to keep it that way. Please don’t be offended if you didn’t know at the time. I’m choosing to share it with you now. Okay, back to the story…..

After I was hospitalized, they were able to regulate my medication I was on (for depression) and figure out what exactly caused me to have my meltdown. Before I was discharged, I was enrolled in an Intensive Outpatient Program called Clarity for my anxiety, and I also found a personal therapist who works with me one-on-one with my grief and trauma therapy.

Currently, I’ve finished the Clarity program. It was life-giving to say the least! It was a difficult and emotionally exhausting month, but so so so worth it. I’m no longer a slave to my anxiety and panic attacks, and I know better now how to handle the feelings of anxiety when they come. Since I’ve started my EMDR trauma therapy however, the waves of panic and “fight or flight” have become less and less.

That’s what I primarily want to focus on today: what I’ve been learning on my journey through trauma and grief therapy.

In the months I’ve been working with my therapist, we’ve re-processed and worked through the triggers or the traumatic images and situations that caused me to enter into full on anxiety/panic attack mode. In doing so, I can happily say that I have not had a panic episode in a little over 3 months. A HUGE victory considering I was used to having about 1 every single day since losing my dad.

Now, I’d say we’re in the stage of figuring out how to move forward from the loss and actively grieve. Before, I wasn’t able to do that because the memories and images were fragmented in my mind and they caused too much panic. They needed to be reprocessed before I could revisit them and grieve safely. But now, my sessions have been consisting of me wrestling with big, deep questions- trying to make sense of it all.

Those of you that know me know that I can’t stand it when I don’t understand something. I can’t move on unless I feel like I understand it or can attach some sort of meaning to it. The loss of my father has been something I haven’t been able to understand, and that’s been hard for me to come to terms with. I couldn’t just accept the fact that you live and then you die. Where does my faith in heaven come in? At this point in my life, I didn’t understand everything about my faith. If I can’t understand it, how will I ever be able to move forward? That’s been the question I’m currently wrestling with, and it feels like I’m just going in circles.

I always leave my therapists office feeling a little bit better than when I walked in, but for some reason, yesterday, I left feeling a little discouraged. I left with this uneasy feeling that I’ll never be able to understand what happened, and that was unsettling to my Type A personality. I had come to the realization that my mind wasn’t going to be able to give me an answer to the why question and that I wasn’t going to be able to “figure it out” or understand it completely. I was looking to myself for answers but was coming up blank. I needed to go somewhere else to find answers. But where?

If I’m being honest, I felt overwhelmingly guilty that I hadn’t thought of this sooner. After all, I love God and I absolutely love spending time in His word and spending time in prayer. I consider myself a Christian, a follower of Jesus. I trust Him and do my best to do what His word says. I believe in His death and resurrection on the cross. I believe that He conquered death. I believe in Heaven and eternal life. He is real to me. So then WHY was I so completely blind to what He was trying to tell me through all of my months of struggling?

“Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and do not depend on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5

“Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.” Proverbs 3:6

There it was. The solution to my questions!! The why behind my inability to understand and make sense of it. The reality of my limited human abilities. My desperate need to trust God. It came to me when I was reading my daily devotions. It was taking me through Genesis 3- you know the story- Eve was tempted into eating the fruit and sin enters the world. I parked on verse 6 and something about this particular verse struck a chord in me.

“She saw that the tree was beautiful and it’s fruit would be delicious and she wanted the wisdom it would give her.” (Gen 3:6)

Right there, I saw how similar I am to Eve. Like her in the garden, I wanted the wisdom of God. I wanted to be able to understand ALL of God’s plan. I wanted to understand more than what God made me to understand. I was discontent with the way God crafted my brain’s ability to comprehend and make sense of life’s circumstances.

I ask “Why did this happen?”

God tells me “Trust me. My ways are better than your ways.”

I ask “How do I move on? How do I survive?”

God tells me “Trust me. I love you and I will show you.”

I ask “What does this mean?”

God tells me “Trust me first. It’ll make sense later.”

I wanted so badly to understand why my dad had to die and how I was supposed to make sense of it. I wanted the knowledge that only God has. I was being like Eve. The truth of the matter is, if God gave me all of the answers and all of the knowledge I was demanding, where would my need for faith and trust in Him come in? Faith means NOT having all of the answers but trusting God to take care of my life.

It took some time of humbling myself when I realized that the only thing I’m supposed to do through this is to TRUST GOD with ALL of my heart. The Bible says it clearly, I’m not supposed to depend on my own understanding. It’s pointless to do so because it leads me in circles.

Trust God. That’s it. And HE will SHOW me how to move forward. He will SHOW me which path to take. HE’S GOT THIS. Because God is God, and I am not.

Father, forgive me for the ways I’ve been leaning and depending on my own understanding about life, my pain, my loss, my purpose. Forgive me for not trusting you with my whole heart. Help me to have a faith that doesn’t need all of the answers but that trusts wholeheartedly in the hope you give. In the Holy name of Jesus, Amen.

No Strings Attached: What God is Teaching Me About Love & Forgiveness

I firmly believe with all of my heart that the biggest thing that breaks God’s heart, and the number one problem in the world today, is this: we’ve allowed hate to become bigger than love. 

We allow our hate for someone/something to overshadow our love for the people we love, and the love of Jesus that we are supposed to be giving out freely like candy at a parade. We hang on to hate, gotten distracted from the greatest commandment ever given and we’ve allowed resentment to take it’s place in our hearts. And that….makes me sad. 

Jesus says in the book of John "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. (John 13:34) There right there. That’s the whole point of this life. To love one another as Jesus himself loves us. How does Jesus love? Unconditionally. Jesus loves us. Jesus forgives us (and, yes, we are all in need of this grace and mercy on a daily basis!) Jesus dishes out grace to us time and time again, even when we don’t deserve it. 

That is how we’ve been called to love one another. And not to those who are “easy” to love. No, Jesus’ call to love one another is far from easy. In fact, He calls us to love our enemies! “But I tell you, love your enemies” (Matthew 5:44) It’s a hard task. Impossible even. Yes, to love like this is impossible for us to do on our own. That’s why we so desperately need Jesus to help us love others the way He has commanded us to. Even when we don’t feel like it. Even when they’ve hurt us time and time again, we love them. Even when it goes against every fiber of our being. Because you know what? That’s how Jesus loves us.

Jesus doesn’t put conditions on his love for us. Jesus doesn’t love me any less when I behave poorly or make mistakes. What does he do instead? He forgives me! He loves me and He forgives me time and time again. Do I deserve that kind of grace and love? No! Do ANY of us? Absolutely not.

To truly love someone doesn’t mean you have to agree with, or condone everything they do. You don’t have to excuse away how they’ve hurt you or messed up. It does mean offering forgiveness and letting go of grudges and resentment. That is what the Bible teaches about forgiveness. And what’s more, there isn’t a limit on how many times we’re commanded to do this. Think about it: Jesus doesn’t put a limit on how many servings of forgiveness and grace He gives us. If He did, we would all be in some SERIOUS trouble. Jesus commands us to love like He loved. That includes forgiving like He forgives. Again, this is not something we’re able to accomplish in our own strength. We desperately need God to empower us to do this.


“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.(Matthew 18:21-22).


Jesus spells it out very clearly that there should be no limit. I’m not saying this is easy. It’s hard as hell. Especially when the person in need of our forgiveness in no way deserves it or worse, doesn’t even want it, or worse yet, doesn’t even realize they’ve done anything wrong! But that is beside the point. We can only control our own selves and what we allow to reside within our hearts. When hate becomes greater than love, that is our own sin and it’s poison. It’s like that old quote “bitterness is like drinking poison yourself and expecting the other person to die.” Ultimately, int only hurts ourselves.

So, what’s the good news? The good news is that Jesus has opened himself up to us and is willing to help us with this humanly impossible task! He is willing and able to help us overcome hate, bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness. I don't know about you, but this is extremely good news for me! I know I could use the help. :)

Ultimately, our commitment to living out God's commandment to love and forgive needs to be greater than the hate. It's a simple concept to understand, yet it's hard to live out. Again, the good news is, we don't have to do it alone. Jesus is willing and able to forgive and love through us.

The only question is, are we willing to free ourselves and let Jesus love in and through us?

It's a daily choice I have to make. Will I allow myself to let go of the bitterness and unforgiveness the world tells me I have a right to hold onto, and actively choose to love instead? Lord Jesus, help me choose love.

Hello from the new Mrs. Steele!

I'm finally sitting down to write my first blog post as Mrs. Steele. I'm a married woman now! I can't even being to tell you how many times I find myself just giddy with excitement. Marriage so far has been treating me very, very well. And that's all because I have the most amazing husband in the entire world.Just tonight, after a long day at work, I came home to my husband who had cooked dinner, set the table, and finished the laundry.  I'm extremely blessed not because of the amazing things that Mitchell does for me (although they are very sweet!) but simply because of who he is. :)

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It's been so long since I've written an update, where did I even leave off the last time? I suppose it was right before Mitchell and I were getting ready to leave Belmont. Oh man. What a bittersweet time that was! On the one hand, I was extremely happy to be leaving college. There were so many exciting things ahead. But I have to admit that there was a piece of me that was feeling nostalgic. After all, that's where we met each other, that's where we fell in love, and that's where all of our best friends still go to school. There's no doubt about it that Belmont blessed both of our lives. Both of our families were able to make it to Nashville for graduation. I'm so glad they were all here. There was one person in particular though, who was missed very much. My dad. Oh man. Just typing that brings tears to my eyes. I remember being backstage, ready to march in with the other graduates and a hall monitor said to us, "isn't this the happiest day of your life?" At that moment, that's not what I was thinking. I wished more than anything that my dad could be there to see me graduate from college. I cried throughout the entire ceremony, but I ran with Randy across that stage and I know how proud my dad was!

That same weekend, we had to move all of our stuff out of Belmont and into our new home in Brentwood. How exciting.....our first home together! We found our place a few months earlier but it all started to become so real once we started moving our own things into this empty apartment. So full of hope and possibilities! Our families helped so much with the moving, the organizing, and the settling in. Box by box we're making this new house into a home. :) One of my favorite things about our new home is the furniture we got from my old house. Mom gave us the living room furniture and it's now in Mitchell and I's living room. I told Mitchell the other day that it feels like a piece of my childhood home is in our home now. It may sound silly or morbid (or maybe both) but our furniture reminds me of my dad. Because there were so many nights I remember sitting with him on that couch watching tv or talking. That's where he would sit late at night and read. Now every time I sit in that couch or see if once I walk through the door, it feels a little bit like the home my parents created for me when I lived with him. And I can't really explain it all that well, but it blesses my heart more than words can say to have that special touch in our new home as a new family just starting out.

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Let's see....so we graduated and started moving, then we stopped moving, flew home to Minnesota and got married! Quite honestly, I don't even know where to begin when trying to document or talk about our wedding weekend. In some ways it was a blur, and absolute blur. But then in other ways, I remember it all so clearly, and thinking about it, I just can't help but cry. It was a weekend full of love. Truly, I have never felt God's love so strongly in my life than I did on our wedding day. I've also never ever felt my dad's presence so strongly since he's been gone than I did that day, and that whole weekend. To have our entire family together was fun in and of itself, but to be together for such an amazing occasion, made it all the more special.

Okay, so let's be real for just one hot second. Since November 1st, planning a wedding changed dramatically. It became an extremely bittersweet thing to do. On one hand, I was excited and so happy to be marrying the man I love so much. But there's this huge pain that comes with it in knowing that my dad wasn't going to be there to walk me down the aisle or dance with me or give me away. NO ONE pictures their wedding day without their dad. I certainly never did, and yet, that was my reality on May 23rd.

Even so, God's grace is greater still. As I was having one of my many meltdowns leading up to the wedding (always started with a freak out and ended in uncontrollable sobs about how much I missed my dad and wanted him to be here), it was the first time I felt as if my daddy was speaking to me. Directly to me. Mitchell and I were driving around running errands and I had gotten really quite and introverted trying to process and calm myself down when I felt my dad say to me, "Emily, tomorrow, you're going to get a taste, just a small taste of where I am right now. You're going to see how amazing heaven is, and you're going to want to come meet me here, not have me come back there. Just wait and see."

Boy, was he right. Our wedding day was a taste of heaven. It really was. I've never been so overwhelmed with God's love for me, with my love for Mitchell, my love for my family, and my love for Jesus. I was in tears most of the day because it's so much more amazing than anyone can ever put into words. I'm so incredibly blessed that God wrote such an amazing chapter in my story, that I get to be a wife, and experience this kind of love and grace on a daily basis with my husband......it just serves as a daily reminder of God's amazing love for me!!! As Tyler was walking me down the aisle, I felt my dad in my heart. As he gave me away, I felt my dad right there with us. As all of the amazing men in my life took turns honoring my dad by dancing with me, I felt him there. Even though I couldn't see him, I could feel him. And the love I felt that day from my dad was so much stronger than the love I felt when he was here on earth. I didn't need any proof of heaven, but if I did, that would've been it. I'm so thankful that God allowed me to experience that and hear my dad in that way.

To everyone who was at our wedding, I hope you were able to feel and experience the love of God in some way, shape, or form. That was our prayer all along. Thank you for all of your well wishes, your love, your prayers, and your support. It really truly was the best day of both of our lives, and it's a day we'll relive forever and ever until we too get to enter heaven's gates as the Bride of Christ. :)

Mitchell surprised me by taking me on a honeymoon to an unknown location! I had no idea where we were going and he was able to keep the surprise for quite a while.....until we actually got to our resort! We spent a week in the beautiful and amazing Riviera Maya, Mexico. It was an absolute dream and we've already vowed to go back at least once. I spent the better part of the week floating in the pool (complete with a Tiki Bar!) with my new husband.......it truly was paradise!

We came home just in time to help mom and Matthew get ready for Matthew's graduation party. I remember waking up one morning and looking into Matthew's bedroom to see him still sound asleep. Immediately I thought, "shouldn't he be at school?!" I guess my mind still hasn't accepted the fact that my little brother has graduated high school! Where did the time go?! In all seriousness though, I've said it once and I'll say it again- I'm so proud of Matthew and the way he has stepped up and taken care of mom. He's really become the man of the house, and I know that dad would be so incredibly proud of him and the man he's becoming. I love my little bro so much, and I know he knows that, because I tell him all of the time (and sometimes he says it back!!!)

All to soon, it was time for Mitchell and I to head back to Nashville and "face reality" as they say. I'll admit that this time leaving home was more emotional than I expected. Maybe it's because we had always known that we'd be home for the wedding and graduation, and now that all of that was over, it felt like we were really setting off on our own. That's exciting, but it's also scary as hell because if we're honest, Mitchell and I have no idea what we're getting ourselves into. We're taking it one day at a time. Thanks be to God that we have amazing family to help us along the way. We packed up in Minnesota and set off for our new life as Mr and Mrs. After two days of driving back to Nashville, we arrived at our new home......

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Since then our life has consisted of unpacking, organizing, decluttering, and lots and lots of runs to Target. :) Like I said earlier, box after box, this place is really feeling like home. Adding some of our own personal touches has helped with the homey feeling. I love coming home to this place and to a husband like Mitchell. Awww.....taking a moment to be blissfully happy about my life..............

Mitchell started working full-time for Rarespark Media Group. He started as an intern there last year and we are very grateful that they asked him to come back full-time. He's doing what he loves and he's great at it. I just love seeing the way his face lights up when he talks about what he gets to do every day! It fires ME up when I see him so fired up! He works with great people and it's an amazing job he has there. Very blessed by that opportunity for sure! I just started this week as a Customer Service Associate at Bath & Body Works. Those that know me well know the irony of this situation.....my bathroom cabinet LOOKS like a Bath & Body Works store. Seriously obsessed. I can't really say much because I've only been there a week, but so far so good. I'm learning as best as I can and I really enjoy being able to share the products I love with customers on a daily basis.

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Quite honestly though, besides being newly married, the thing I'm most excited about is the fact that Mitchell and I worked our way up to Advisor level with AdvoCare. We feel very fortunate to have been able to share with some of you out there about the amazing opportunity we see with this amazing company and the way it has positively impacted our life. AdvoCare is allowing us to build our own business just by sharing what these amazing products have been able to do for us. Plus, the extra income is helping to cover our monthly expenses. Let's face it- my husband works in the entertainment industry, and I work retail. The extra income is definitely going to help us out! I'm so fired up about this opportunity and we are LOVING the way AdvoCare has become a part of our daily routine. Really truly we've never felt healthier and more energized. We are both really, really excited about this.

One of the things AdvoCare has to offer is the 24 Day Challenge. Right now, we are on Day 6 of our Cleanse Phase and we are feeling awesome! :) We're so anxious to see the results on Day 24, but so far so good!

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So.....that's about it for right now. There was just a quick snapshot of life the last few months. Lots of changes and lots of exciting things happening. Day by day, minute by minute, I'm calling on Jesus for strength, guidance, and peace, and every single time He is there for me. This life isn't perfect, this life isn't easy, and this life hurts like a bitch sometimes. But at the beginning of the day, at the end of the day, and in moments in between, I know that God has immeasurably blessed me with the life I have. God has been good to me. 

Until next time, 

Emily Berndt Steele 

PS: Yes, I'll be going by Emily Berndt Steele. I wasn't ready to give up my dad's name. :) 

A God-given Pursuit

The Lord works in such mysterious, amazing ways, doesn't He? What seems completely random to me at times, never is random. There is no one more intentional about His plans and ways of revealing things to me than God Himself. Nothing He does is ever random.

I was reminded of this truth today as I was doing my daily devotions. My mom bought me Jesus Calling so I had gotten into the habit of reading it every day. Today, as I finished up the reading, I decided to flip back to some of the dates that I had missed from earlier in the year. It seemed completely random to me that I would flip to the reading for March 8th- but God knew that I needed to hear the message on this page.....He knew my heart needed these words:

"Save your best striving for seeking My Face. I am constantly communicating with you. To find Me and hear My voice, you must seek Me above all else. Anything that you desire more than Me becomes an idol. When you are determined to get your own way, you blot Me out of your consciousness. Instead of single-mindedly pursuing some goal, talk with Me about it. Let the Light of my Presence shine on this pursuit so that you can see it from My perspective. If the goal fits into My plans for you, I will help you reach it. If it is contrary to My will for you, I will gradually change the desire of your heart. Seek me first and foremost: then the rest of your life will fall into place, piece by piece." 

For those of you just tuning in, I announced on my blog about a week ago that there are some exciting things coming up for Mitchell and I. No, I am not pregnant and yes, we are still planning on getting married, and no we are not moving. There are some exciting dreams God has placed on our hearts and we can't wait to share where God is leading us and the pursuit He has placed on my heart. 

The reason I wanted to share this reading with you all today was because this dream, this goal is so much different from anything else I've ever pursued. It's something I never ever would've considered before. I never thought I could. I never thought I had what it takes. The fact that I'm even going for this full-force is a testament to how God has been working in my heart. On my own, I would be way too afraid and intimidated to try anything like this, but God knows me better than I know myself. He knows the plans He has for me, and He will help me every step of the way. Piece by piece, things are falling into place, just like God promised it would.

 This is such a "God-led" thing- it's unbelievable. Every part of this story has been written and planned by God and I absolutely can't wait to share what we're up to with all of you! Soon- I promise! For now, keep praying as we are making our way into something new and exciting and unknown! I can't wait to see what God is going to do through us! 

BIG, EXCITING THINGS....COMING SOON!!

The message at Cross Point Community Church​ tonight left me feeling inspired and ready to face my fears head on! So many times I ask myself the question, "is God trying to lead me into something?" but often times I just brush it off and say its just another one of my crazy ideas- God could never REALLY use me to do something big. I'm so thankful for my pastor challenging me in my thinking.

Recently I've been feeling inspired to try something NEW and DIFFERENT, but I'm a little nervous about it. In fact, the fear of failing at it or not being good enough, or not "having what it takes" are all thoughts that definitely keep me up at night tossing and turning, doubting myself and my dreams to dive into this new, exciting adventure! Tonight, I decided to take the first step, after some very gentle encouragement from Mitchell​ telling me, "babe, this is exactly what you need to do!" Mr. Skeptic himself even thought it was the right move.

I'm trusting God with all of the "what ifs" that plague my mind with fear, and I'm letting go of my feelings of inadequacy because if God calls you to do something, He'll give you everything you need to do it! I'm SOOO excited to announce what this NEW, EXCITING dream is VERY SOON!

First, I'm going to focus on graduating, moving, and getting married.

Big things, exciting things, coming VERY VERY SOON! Prayers are definitely much appreciated. :)

God Knows Me Better

Sometimes I think I know myself pretty well. Then I remember that the One who created me knows me even better than that. He knows the parts I don't want anyone to know and loves me anyway. The maker of my heart knows my heart. And He knows yours too.

I'm a person who loves to be understood and known. I'm thankful that the one who made me the way I am knows me better than anyone.

Life is Better in the Light

I really I hope I don't jink it by saying this but, I think spring is officially here in Nashville! How do I know this? Well, I'm currently sitting outside in the green grass wearing nothing but a sundress next to a fountain this is NO LONGER FROZEN! Sundresses and green grass mean spring in my book. Mitchell left me on this perfect spot on the lawn to go work on a group project, but before he left, he told me, "just let yourself enjoy your time in the sun." As he said this, it dawned on me. I'm the only one standing in my own way of enjoying my time in the sun.

How crazy am I that I wouldn't' want to go outside on a day like today when it's 70 degrees and sunny without a single cloud in the sky? 15 minutes ago I was laying in my bed in the same position I had been in for over 3 hours. Depressed and just tired. Why? I guess I'm tired because that's what college does to you, but I think I'm tired because I've been in survival mode for the past few months. I'm depressed because I miss my dad. Mitchell bless his heart tries his best to make me go outside on days like today and enjoy the sun. And as hard as I try to stay under the covers where it's "safe", I always end up happier when I feel the sun on my skin and smell the green grass. Life is better when we get out of our own way, come out from under the covers and give ourselves permission to enjoy life in the sun.  Life is better in the sun. Life is better in the light.

As I sit here in the sun, I realized something else. A part of me, maybe even a subconscious part of me felt as if it was too early to feel happy. Like it's too soon for me to enjoy my time in the sun. After all, I'm still grieving. What kind of daughter would I be if I was able to be happy so soon after tragically losing my dad? I look up to the sky and I'm almost ashamed that I've given myself permission to enjoy a day like today.

Then, it hits my heart that enjoying my time in the sun is exactly what my dad would want me to do! That's what he is doing right now- enjoying his time in the presence of the Light! Perhaps it is a way of honoring him and the God who created such beautiful things to enjoy days like this and take in every moment like this. So I put to rest the thought inside of me that says its too soon to enjoy my time in the sun, and I lay back and bask in the sunshine and enjoy rest in the Light. Because after all, life really is better in the Light.

Choose light my friends, even when the darkness is overpowering. The light is closer than you think, and if you're blessed like me, there are people in your life just waiting to take you by the hand and lead you to a safe spot in the grass, where the light can shine on your face and you too can enjoy your time in the sun.

Sending you all love and sunshine.

-Emily

Opportunity for great JOY

Mitchell and I are on our way home to Minnesota for spring break! Yay! I'm so excited to be headed home to where, ironically, it's actually warming than the current temperatures in Nashville! :)

It surprised us both how busy the airport is at 5am on a Saturday morning, then we remembered it is spring break time and everyone is dying to get somewhere warmer. Not many go to Minnesota seeking warmth, but alas, here we are. I'm flying with Randy today!

Sitting at our gate, I decided it was as good a time as any to do my daily devos and reading from Jesus Calling. A passage from James spoke to me today:

"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For we know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing." -James 1:3-4

I can't think of a time in my life when my faith has been tested more than its been tested these last few months without my dad. I've questioned and been angry; I've been depressed and sad, but I've also been able to feel joy because of the memories I have in my heart. It challenges me so deeply when the Bible says to consider this trial an opportunity for great joy. How in the world does that make any sense?

Then I skimmed down to the commentary of these verses and what that said brought tears to my eyes.

"The point is not to pretend to be happy when we face pain but to have a positive outlook because of what troubles can produce in our life."

Now THAT makes sense! Suddenly, this new perspective on these verses lifted this huge weight off of my shoulders created by this notion that in order to be a good Christian witness, I had to pretend to be happy even amidst the deep pain I feel every single day. How wrong I was about that!

I don't have to pretend to be happy about the loss of my dad. Let me just tell you, I'm SO not happy about it. I'm nowhere near happy about it! But, it is important to have a positive outlook despite our circumstances. There is opportunity for faith to grow from pain. You know who helps me keep this positive perspective and lives out this growing faith? My mom.

She's not at all happy with this card we were dealt either, but she is clinging to the Lord with all of her might and keeps things so positive by talking about all of the good memories we had, and the faithfulness of God throughout this time. Our faith has been tested without a doubt, but it's also been a blessing to see and feel our faith grow deeper.

How much deeper our faith has become, and that gives my heart so much joy. Joy that doesn't even make sense! Because of this joy, I can smile when I think of my dad. Because of this joy, I can cry happy tears thinking of the day when I get to see him again. Thank you Jesus for this opportunity for great joy!

I am weak; He is strong

I can't believe it is already that time of the semester where we're all cramming and studying for midterms! Midterms! That means only 8 weeks left of my entire college career. Let me take a moment to really let that sink in......

Not only is it midterms time, but I developed what is shaping up to be the worst cold I've had in a long, long time. It took me by surprise after a long weekend in Florida with Matthew, mom and Carmen.

I guess I should be thankful that I didn't have to spend the entire weekend in bed sick, but still, I find myself asking the question, "God, WHY do I have to be sick this week?" Pick any other week and I'll deal with this cold as just a minor inconvenience, but this week....it's all together too much for me to handle. I need to be spending time studying, NOT sleeping and blowing my nose every 10 seconds! Then, I end up stressing about how much I have to do and how I feel too sick to get it all done. I sound like a whiney baby don't I?

Then, it hit me while I was sitting feeling sorry for myself. I was regressing back into one of my old habits of relying on my own strength instead of God's supernatural strength. It happens every once in while. I get this idea in my head that I can do this whole life thing on my own. Not true.

I'm starting to see this week in a different light. Perhaps its a lesson God is trying to teach me by giving me no other option but to rely solely on Him. He knew that this cold at this time would leave me with no choice but to completely rely and trust in Him to get me through. When I am weak, He is my strength. When I am sick, He is my healer. When I am stressed, He is my peace.