The day I decided to stay: an open letter to my loved ones

I remember that day vividly. Almost 2 years it's been. But still, I remember that day. The day I decided to stay. 

There would've been letters for you to read.

Mom, to thank you and say how your strength was something I wish I had. How much I loved you and hoped you would find happiness. How I hoped you would understand and not be mad at me for leaving.

My brothers, to say how I hoped you'd continue to take care of mom and of yourself and that I'd hope you would find love and a family to take care of like you did ours. That you'd know that Jesus loves you and has a plan for you. That you'd know how much I loved you and worried about you finding happiness, joy and peace. You'd find instructions on where to find the many prayers I wrote and prayed for you. Journals upon journals of them.

Mitchell you would've read apologies. How I was sorry I couldn't be stronger and get through it. Wishes for you to move on and love again.

Those letters that were meant to stay in my place. Those letters are gone now. Instead of reading them, I hope you'll read this: why I decided to stay.

As easy as it would've been for me to just give in, give up, and believe it wouldn't really matter, I couldn't help but think about you. All of you who would have to hear the news of what I'd done. I thought about you for just a second.....and that was all it took. To think about what this would mean for you. If this would matter to you. How this would matter to you.

That split second just moments before, was all it took for me to realize that as bad as I thought it all was, I realized that as bad as I thought I was, as much of a screwup as I believed I was, I realized that despite all of my shortcomings and feeling unknown, I mattered to you. I mattered.

I mattered to you. I still matter to you. Despite anything and everything, I matter. Not because of what I do or who I am, but simply because I exist. I matter because of the spirit that was placed inside of me.

In that moment, I decided to believe you. I decided to believe that I matter. I decided to believe.

I made up my mind to trust you, even if I couldn't trust myself yet. I decided to trust you to love me for exactly who I am. I trusted that you don’t have to agree with me completely to accept me completely. You don’t have to understand me fully to love me fully.

Even if I may hate myself, doesn't mean you do. Even if I'm frustrated and angry about my mental illness struggle, doesn't mean you are. Even if I blame myself for it all doesn't mean you do. Even if I feel my life won't amount to anything doesn't mean it won't. Even if I am scared you couldn't possibly love me if you knew who I was really was doesn't mean you wouldn't. Even though I'm a mess at times. Even though I'm still trying to figure it all out. Even though my journey looks different than anyone could have anticipated.

You would never see death as my best and only option. Nothing I could do or say would make that worth it. Nothing would be able to justify it for you. I would never be so worthless in your eyes that death was my best choice. 

Your faith in me is why I decided to stay. Mattering to you far outweighs the fear of failure and rejection that told me to give up and take those pills and end it.

I decided to stay. I wanted to stay to be able to tell you and show you that you matter to me, too. I understand now that I matter to you. I hope you know that you matter, too. Simply because you exist and have a life inside of you, that’s enough to make you matter.

Thank you for loving me and believing in me enough that even in my darkest, most hopeless moment, I could remember and know that I mattered to you. Mattering to you saved my life.

There are no longer letters of goodbye and regret for you to read. There's only this one to tell you how much you matter to me. 

Your faith in me restored my hope. I love you all, each and every one of you, and nothing in this world could ever change that. 

Love always,

Emily 

You'll Be In My Heart

Hello from MN!


Honestly, there’s so much to update and I can’t even begin to dive into it all right now. There was just a small story from today that I just had to write before I forgot any of the details. I promise, more updates to come soon!

Today was a hard day of teaching. I”ve been in my new classroom for 3 weeks now and it’s the usual- testing the new teacher and surveying her weak spots. Nothing I didn’t expect. Usually I’m strong enough to handle anything the 4-5 year olds throw my way. Usually.

Today, I just wasn’t. I’m not sure if it was my previous post about my dad and the experience I had yesterday. It makes me emotional whenever I think of the connection he and I have with teaching. It’s special to me, and I know it would’ve been special to him too.

So it could’ve been my post from this morning and the tenderness of that experience, or just one of those “weepy” days. I’m not sure. But for whatever reason, I forgot my thick skin at home, and today was extremely emotional for me in and out of the classroom. I was taking what my 5 year olds were saying to me personally. I somehow forgot that they’re just kids learning how to respect others.

It didn’t help things that Phil Collins “You’ll Be in My Heart” started playing in the classroom and I remembered it being my dad’s FAVORITE Disney song of all time. I teared up during a game of Uno and had to try my best to not start sobbing in front of a sweet 5 year old girl who probably would’ve just gone to get me a tissue. She’s so sweet.

My break could not come soon enough! I barely made it to my car when I just had to let the stress and frustration of the day, mixed with the emotion and tenderness of thinking so much about my dad hit me. And boy, it hit me. I just started driving just to drive, and as I did, I let myself release the cry that was weighing so heavy on my heart. There’s something very therapeutic about a good cry that’s been building up and starts to weigh you down. I call these the “necessary cries”.

Call me cheesy or whatever but I decided to turn on the Phil Collins Tarzan song and it ended up being the right call. Because although it made me cry even harder, I realized that the song has even more special meaning to me now. It is no longer just my dad’s favorite Disney song, but it’s as if it is his message to me, and to all of his loved ones. I listened to it probably 4 times in a row with this perspective and instead of making me feel sad and depleted, it made me feel stronger and stronger.

“This bond between us can't be broken. I will be here. Don't you cry. Cause you'll be in my heart. Yes, you'll be in my heart from this day on now and forever more.”

There will be hard days obviously. Sometimes inside the classroom, other times outside. But today was yet another reminder that Jesus sees us in those moments, and He sends us the messages we need to hear, right when we need them most.

And I’m so thankful that there is a saint in heaven championing me on in whatever it is I do with the life I am given.


#RunwithRandy

“When destiny calls you. You must be strong. I may not be with you, but you've got to hold on.”

Visits from Heaven

Every now and then, I'll have these special experiences that I believe are my dad's presence coming from heaven to let us know it's all going to be okay. Yesterday I had another.







I've been at my new job for a couple weeks now. It's been an emotional transition, as all change is. The highlight of my day is taking a quick walk though this very small park across the road from the school I teach at. I walk through the paths that leads me to this bench that I sit at for a few minutes just looking out across the small pond just to relax and take it all in. It's become my little ritual. Yesterday as I arrived at my usual bench, there in the place right beside where I usually sit.......these rocks were there in the shape of a heart. I smiled and cried because I KNOW that my dad was sitting there waiting for me. I don't know why and I don't know how. I can't explain how or why. I just KNOW without any doubt that he sat for a few minutes with me in my special spot. I cried, and then went back to school, where every single day, I honor my dad by being the kind of patient, kind, empathetic, passionate teacher that he was.

Evolving

Hi Ya’ll!

It’s been awhile since I’ve sat down to write out an update and whatnot.

13 days ago I began another, yes ANOTHER healthy eating plan. This one, called Evolv Reboot, came at the recommendation by my aunt Kathy and uncle Jim, who were in the middle of their own Reboot and were experiencing incredible results.

I’ll be honest, it wasn’t the healthy eating aspect of this plan that drew me in. No, it was the whole mission behind Evolv which is powered by the Hope Movement which carries out the mission of tackling the world’s greatest health issue of malnutrition. By “rebooting” your health, you learn healthy eating habits that are sustainable, plus the Hope Movement nourishes children from around the world who are literally starving. “Buy 1 , Nourish 2.” It’s a Christian based company that is really seeking to make a lasting impact. For those of you that know me, you know that I”m a sucker for these types of things. She had me at “feeding starving children”. I decided to give it a go and just see what happened. By purchasing a Reboot kit, I was able to donate 140 servings. So in my mind, even if I didn’t get any results, at least I was making a true impact.

Can I be honest again? I never for a second believed I would actually see any sort of tangible, noteworthy results. I didn’t even allow myself to get my hopes up, because I was so convinced this would be like everything else I had tried. I wouldn’t be able to do it, or even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to sustain it for very long. I’m the girl that quits early.

Well, here I sit on Day 13, with literal TEARS in my eyes because I am DOWN 7.5lbs in 13 days. To some, that may not seem like a ton, but to me, it’s the FIRST TIME I’ve actually experienced results on a healthy eating plan. And I’ve tried a lot. I’ve tried protein shakes, I’ve tried supplements galore, I’ve done juice cleanses, fasting. Nothing worked. And it was discouraging. So this 7.5lbs means that the Reboot WORKS.

Be sure you hear me when I say this: I KNOW my health is more than a number on a scale. I know that I am more than that number, and that there’s so much more that goes into being healthy. I get that. I really do. But when you’ve tried SO many different things, gotten hopeful about them all, only to see the scale only go up, when it starts to go down substantially, and you realize you aren’t starving to make that happen, you begin to CELEBRATE that it’s going down. So yes, I’m celebrating this small victory!

I’m actually surprised every time I go to the kitchen that I’m able to eat the foods that are allowed on this program. Sure they take out sugar for the first 14 days (which was hard for my sweet tooth self) but I’m eating REAL YUMMY FOOD. And tomorrow? Introducing Vacation Meals, where I get to indulge (in moderation of course) twice a week and KNOW that I am not cheating my healthy eating plan. Vacation meals are PART of this plan! WHAAAAAT.

This Reboot has been so good for me in more ways than one. Of course I’m actually learning HOW to eat healthy and clean. That’s what I was missing, the “HOW TO”. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that it was A.) LESS expensive than I anticipated, and B.) more simple to follow (not easy) that I expected.

Even more than that, I had a little come to Jesus meeting with myself when I realized that I was taking advantage of my health. I am 23 years old and overweight. I have no condition that excuses this away. I am otherwise healthy. And I realized that I can’t use my life circumstances to excuse the way I was eating whatever I wanted and not exercising properly with absolutely NO accountability. These are some of the life circumstances I would use as excuses as to why I couldn’t get my health on track.

I have depression. It makes it hard.

I have anxiety. It makes it hard.

I’m homesick.

I’m too sad.

My dad died.

I’m too busy.

My new job takes too much energy.

I’ll do it later.

Enough was enough. Am I right? No 23 year old should be taking advantage of their health in this way.

No more.

Day 14 tomorrow and I can honestly say I’m more empowered than ever and more hopeful than ever that there is good in the world that I CAN be a part of. So thankful. So excited to see what else I learn……

Thanks for letting me share.

Love,

Emily

"You're a Christian right? So you are voting republican?"

Sitting here catching up on last night's debate, I can't help but think back to some of the comments I've heard people make about this upcoming election. Most of them, in reference to my age and the tendency of millennial's to vote liberal, most comments go a little something like this:

"If you vote for her, it's your future down the toilet." 

I don't believe that's true. 

I believe: 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, 

who have been called according to his purpose." 

Romans 8:28

or

 "This is an incredibly dangerous election."

I believe this: 

"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? 

If God is for us, who can be against us?" 

Romans 8:31

"The Lord is my light and my salvation—

whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the stronghold of my life—

of whom shall I be afraid?" 

Psalm 27 

"You're a Christian right? So you are voting republican?"

As if Christian's only have 1 choice in this upcoming election? The last time I checked, Christians (just like everyone else in this country) have many choices. You aren't going to be able to guilt or shame me into voting for Donald Trump to keep my "Christian card". My identity as a Christian is rooted in what I believe about God, Jesus, and a personal relationship with my Savior. 

or, my personal favorite, 

"Well, Christian's need to be extremely 

worried about what this election could mean." 

As Americans, yes we do need to be 

informed about this election. 

But as a Christian, no, I don't believe that I need to be or SHOULD be worried at all. 

Here's why. 

The God that I choose to believe in is bigger than the President of the United States. God will still be God if Donald Trump is President. God will still be God if Hilary Clinton is president. The outcome of this election isn't going to surprise the God that I believe in. And what's more, I don't believe for one minute that God's love for me, ability to provide for me, protect me, and work things out for the good of those who love and trust in Him is dependent on who is president. Quite honestly, the God I believe in can do anything, regardless of who holds the title of the POTUS. 

I believe that God is bigger that this political arena. Period. 

So, am I afraid of what might happen to me after Donald or Hilary becomes president?

 No, I'm not worried. The God I believe in promises me NOT to worry, because He has got my back, He loves me, He cares MORE about my future than any president ever could or would. 

I trust God with my future, and that is in no way shape or form dependent on who becomes president, because regardless of what America decides, I trust God's power, ability, and His heart to take care of those who choose to believe in Him and trust Him.

God's love, protection, provision, and blessing of me isn't based on who I vote for, or what I believe politically. No, the God I believe in will still love me and look out for my very best interests if I vote for Donald Trump. And the God I believe in will still love me and look out for my very best interests if I vote for Hilary Clinton. Heck, the God I believe in will still love me and look out for my very best interests if I choose NOT to vote or if I choose not to give a rat's behind about politics at all.

I believe that God's love, His power, His provision, His sovereignty, His existence for that matter, isn't based on politics. God isn't constrained by political agendas regardless of who ends up president.

As long as I choose to trust Him and believe in Him to take care of my life and love me forever, there's no vote I could cast, no choice I could make, or anything I could ever do that would tie God's hands from being able and willing to take care of those He created in the first place. 

I'm not looking to air out all of my own political beliefs and opinions, (although I'm open to those types of discussions.) I just felt the urgency to share my heart about this upcoming election, and how I trust that my future is in good hands- God's good hands.

***********************************************************************

Things I'm Keeping in Mind this Election Season: 

“Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, atall the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can.”

Matthew 25:35-40New International Version (NIV)

35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

Trading Unliked, Unwelcome, Worthless for Accepted, Secure, Significant

Inclusion.

There's a reason why it's a universal need for all humans in some capacity. Because excluded hurts no matter how you dice it and no matter how it is dished out.

Not being included hurts.

Being left out wounds.

Not being invited to the party sucks.

Period.

What's worse than being excluded is being excluded because you're unliked, unwelcome, or deemed unworthy.

Being unliked is the worst.

But is it?

Does being unliked have anything at all to do with you, or does it say more about the people who don't like you enough to deem you worthy of being included?

See, I'm learning it has more to do with them than it does with you or me.

Because no matter what we do, there will always be people who don't want to include us, don't like us, and who don't recognize or acknowledge that we have worth.  Believe me, I know how easy it is to feel like because of these people, we are somehow unlovable, worthless, and just wrong somehow.

It's. Not. True.

Whether or not I am included, liked, accepted, welcomed, or invited doesn't determine my worth or my ability to be loved. Or at least, it doesn't have to. If I choose to not let it define my worth, it has no power over me, and doesn't have to keep me awake at night wondering what is wrong with me and why everyone can't  just love and accept me.

The truest truth is that God thinks I am lovable, so much so He sent His son to die for me even with my flaws and my wrongness. Jesus thinks every single one of us is worth dying for. And no one is excluded from that. Everyone is welcome to that party.

So I guess with that perspective, yeah being excluded still hurts, but I'm so thankful for the grace that reminds me that Jesus too was hated, but that didn't stop him from living his purpose.

So whether or not I'm included, welcome, liked, and accepted, I'm going to keep my eyes focused on who God has made me to be despite the hurts, because I'm loved by the Creator of the world, and the most loving husband, the best dad, mom brothers, cousins, aunts, grandparents, friends, and preschoolers. And their unconditional love, acceptance, inclusion, and openness is more than enough for me.

I am accepted. I am secure. I am significant in the eyes of a mighty Father.  And no missed invitation, no unwelcomeness, no matter how much I am excluded and disliked, nothing will ever take that away from me.

God's Love Language to Me

It's been a couple months since we took our trip to Flordia and I was reading in my journal from that trip. As I was reading, I came across something I meant to turn into a blog post. Here it is a couple months late.

________________________________________

The beach
The sunset
It's a glorious thing to behold.
I can't look away from the waves and the clouds and the sun reflecting off the water. The beauty and immensity of it all.
Reminds me of heaven.
Back when I was processing my emdr, the beach is the place I would picture when thinking about my happy place.
The beach brings me joy. It brings me peace. God uses the elements of the ocean at sunset to communicate the most heavenly things to me. It's His very own love language.

Now, it is impossible for me to behold all of this without thinking of my dad and the deep longing I have in my heart just to be with him. It makes my heart ache and tears come to my eyes just thinking about it.

I imagine what heaven must be like. Are there oceans and sunsets up there? I wonder what the view is like. Does dad see me down here thinking about him? Is there ever a moment when I'm looking up towards heaven and he's looking down towards earth that our eyes meet? Have I ever looked into his eyes without knowing it?

These are the things I wonder. And these ponderings get sent out into the immensity that the ocean represents.

I'm so thankful that God is bigger than all my eyes see right now.

I'm thankful for the way I feel His presence and His love. I'm thankful for the way He allows me to feel my dad's presence in an indescribable way. I'm thankful for the peace I feel as I stand before a scene so glorious and beautiful.

Most of all, I'm thankful for Jesus. Because of Jesus alone, I know that there will be a day someday soon, where we will be reunited with our dad, our husband, our friend. That reunion will be sweeter than I can even begin to imagine. God's Word promises this to all who believe in Jesus. I believe this with my whole heart. My prayer is that all who are reading this right now would believe, too.

And just between me and all of you reading this, I'm hoping this sweet reunion takes place on the beach (if there are beaches) in heaven.