I remember that day vividly. Almost 2 years it's been. But still, I remember that day. The day I decided to stay.
Mom, to thank you and say how your strength was something I wish I had. How much I loved you and hoped you would find happiness. How I hoped you would understand and not be mad at me for leaving.
My brothers, to say how I hoped you'd continue to take care of mom and of yourself and that I'd hope you would find love and a family to take care of like you did ours. That you'd know that Jesus loves you and has a plan for you. That you'd know how much I loved you and worried about you finding happiness, joy and peace. You'd find instructions on where to find the many prayers I wrote and prayed for you. Journals upon journals of them.
Mitchell you would've read apologies. How I was sorry I couldn't be stronger and get through it. Wishes for you to move on and love again.
Those letters that were meant to stay in my place. Those letters are gone now. Instead of reading them, I hope you'll read this: why I decided to stay.
As easy as it would've been for me to just give in, give up, and believe it wouldn't really matter, I couldn't help but think about you. All of you who would have to hear the news of what I'd done. I thought about you for just a second.....and that was all it took. To think about what this would mean for you. If this would matter to you. How this would matter to you.
That split second just moments before, was all it took for me to realize that as bad as I thought it all was, I realized that as bad as I thought I was, as much of a screwup as I believed I was, I realized that despite all of my shortcomings and feeling unknown, I mattered to you. I mattered.
I mattered to you. I still matter to you. Despite anything and everything, I matter. Not because of what I do or who I am, but simply because I exist. I matter because of the spirit that was placed inside of me.
In that moment, I decided to believe you. I decided to believe that I matter. I decided to believe.
I made up my mind to trust you, even if I couldn't trust myself yet. I decided to trust you to love me for exactly who I am. I trusted that you don’t have to agree with me completely to accept me completely. You don’t have to understand me fully to love me fully.
Even if I may hate myself, doesn't mean you do. Even if I'm frustrated and angry about my mental illness struggle, doesn't mean you are. Even if I blame myself for it all doesn't mean you do. Even if I feel my life won't amount to anything doesn't mean it won't. Even if I am scared you couldn't possibly love me if you knew who I was really was doesn't mean you wouldn't. Even though I'm a mess at times. Even though I'm still trying to figure it all out. Even though my journey looks different than anyone could have anticipated.
You would never see death as my best and only option. Nothing I could do or say would make that worth it. Nothing would be able to justify it for you. I would never be so worthless in your eyes that death was my best choice.
Your faith in me is why I decided to stay. Mattering to you far outweighs the fear of failure and rejection that told me to give up and take those pills and end it.
I decided to stay. I wanted to stay to be able to tell you and show you that you matter to me, too. I understand now that I matter to you. I hope you know that you matter, too. Simply because you exist and have a life inside of you, that’s enough to make you matter.
Thank you for loving me and believing in me enough that even in my darkest, most hopeless moment, I could remember and know that I mattered to you. Mattering to you saved my life.
There are no longer letters of goodbye and regret for you to read. There's only this one to tell you how much you matter to me.
Your faith in me restored my hope. I love you all, each and every one of you, and nothing in this world could ever change that.
Love always,
Emily
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