#MeToo

I’ve had a heavy heart and misty eyes all week long reading the hundreds of stories on my own newsfeed alone of the #metoo experiences. I admire the bravery of those sharing their stories and their resolve to no longer stay silent.

But as I read, I kept trying to suppress my own urge to speak up and speak out. Speak out against the kind of assault and emotional manipulation I experienced. But yesterday I read a story that profoundly impacted me. Kelsey shares her story on her blog NoSo Living. Kelsey, it was your bravery and courage that has unlocked the power of my own voice. Thank you. It was your story that has convicted me deeply to not be a part of the problem and speak my truth.


For years since my experience, I took shame and placed the blame on myself for “asking for it” and for “allowing it” and “allowing him in” or blaming myself for “not being guarded”.


Not anymore.


Yes, I let him in because he was someone I trusted. Yes, I let down my walls because I thought that’s what people did with those they cared about. He was someone I thought I loved. More importantly, he was someone I desperately wanted to love me in return.


And the worst part?


He knew that. And he used that.


My life had become all about this person. Doing whatever I could to earn their trust and affection. My life consisted of giving all that I had emotionally to give to prove myself worth taking a chance. He claimed being “scared” and said that it was a “trust” issue. That if I could just somehow “show him” that he could trust me, by giving him absolutely everything, maybe then he could “let his heart fall for me”. He was speaking my language. He knew the right things to say.


After years and years of giving all I had to give emotionally just for the hopes of being in a relationship someday with this person, the rollercoaster of emotions and tension inevitably came to a head after years of playing the same game.


I was sober at the time and I was completely capable to give consent and I was completely capable to say “no”, which I did.


Multiple times.


And I know in my heart that he was sober enough to hear and understand. He knew what me pushing him away meant. He knew what me clearing saying, “I don’t want to” meant.


We left our mutual friends house before midnight because he wanted to go back to my room to talk about “us”. Finally, I knew something about our relationship was going to change. But I was so very wrong about what that something would be.


We had hung out in my room multiple times before. Maybe I should have known when he led me over to the bed with obvious lust in his eyes. Me? In that moment I thought I was just so in love that maybe I didn’t see his “obvious” intent.


“Show me you care.”

“Show me how much you want to be with me.”

“I know you love me, don’t you?”


These were the things he said as he tried to get me out of my clothes. I remember trembling and saying that I wasn’t comfortable with how fast this was going. I remember telling him so.


“Oh come on, how will I know I can trust you?” was what he said before he kissed me. We had kissed before this but I remember feeling like I had a choice to make. How badly did I want to be with him? It was what I had wanted for so many years and here it was. All I had to do was give him over everything I had. All I had to do was give him my virginity - a gift I had since then held very dear to me.


Could I do that?

Should I do that?


I remember wrestling with myself as I tried to push him away so I could think. I remember telling him to “get off of me, please”. I told him “if I’m going to do this, I need to feel right about it and I don’t right now.” He told me it wouldn’t feel right my first time so that I should just trust him and that I would feel so great after. He bound my hands in his as he slipped my dress up over my head until my hands were tangled.


That’s when I started to get legitimately scared. I was undressed and I didn’t want to be. I tried multiple times to bring my hands back down and put my dress back on but everything I tried, he resisted my efforts and said, “if I had known you were so hot….”


He asked about protection. Of course I didn’t have any. I wasn’t planning on anything like this happening to me. I said, “I don’t have any.” He continued down the path anyways. I told him again, “please get off of me” and “not tonight. Not like this. My first time shouldn’t be like this.” I tried to close my legs and sit up. I held my legs and knees together with all of my might.


It was when he forced MY legs apart with aggression that my body and mind began to shut down. I froze. Something in me felt paralyzed with fear of what could possibly happen next.


That’s when I began to cry.


The reality of what he was trying to manipulate me to do washed over me. And the reality of what he would possibly force on me crashed on top of me in the weight of his body holding me down.


I cried. My hands were tangled over my head in my dress but I lowered them down as I heard my dress seams ripping apart. My hands were free to push him away. He resisted my attempts to free myself. My mind was screaming at me to “do something we’re about to shut down!” So I grabbed him around the neck fiercely and held him to me. If I couldn’t get him off of me, I could at least hold him down so he couldn’t force his way inside of me.


I cried louder and said, “I’m sorry, I can’t do this.”


He punched the pillow right beside my head. Hard. So close I thought he was going to hit me in the face. He was angry. Angry that I was crying loud enough to wake anyone who was asleep upstairs.


I released his neck and looked into his face. No longer did I see the man I thought he could be, but the boy who only wanted one thing from me. The boy who would never love me. The boy who would take and take everything from someone who loved him for his own selfish desires.


I struggled out from underneath him and I couldn’t say a word. I didn’t even understand what had just happened but I knew that it could’ve been so much worse. His anger that he didn’t get his way was evident. As he put his own clothes back on, he didn’t speak a word. He just seethed and glared at me.


Finally, before opening my door to leave, he made the whole thing about him not being able to trust me after all, called me a tease, and made it my fault.


And with that, he shut the door and left. A few moments later I heard his truck driving away. I cried myself to sleep that night and many nights after. I spent months doubting if I should’ve just done it. Would we be together if I had? We hardly spoke after. And when we did, it was presented that I was the one in the wrong and I had to apologize for what happened.


But here’s the thing…..did he technically rape me? No. Would he have tried? I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that I was pushed past my own boundary by someone using force against my own attempts to stop him. What I do know is that my “no” was ignored and dismissed. Even though I was able to stop him eventually, it doesn’t mean I wasn’t taken advantage of and manipulated. No, he didn’t get my virginity that night, but he did steal something from me that night.


And it took a lot of healing for that to be redeemed and restored. But I thank God that it was.


That I was.


Here’s what I’ve learned:


I don’t have to compromise myself to be loved.
I don’t have to earn a man’s respect- it should be freely given.
I don’t have to give everything I have for the possibility of receiving a man’s affections.
I don’t have to do anything with my body that I’m not ready for or comfortable with.
I don’t have to convince anyone to love me or be with me.
I don’t have to have sex to prove anything to anyone.
I don’t have to play the game.
I don’t have to apologize for my “no”.


And I’m so thankful to God for gifting me a spouse who teaches me that a real man wouldn’t ever ask me to.


Mitchell, my husband, a real man, wouldn’t ever ask me to. 

The day I decided to stay: an open letter to my loved ones

I remember that day vividly. Almost 2 years it's been. But still, I remember that day. The day I decided to stay. 

There would've been letters for you to read.

Mom, to thank you and say how your strength was something I wish I had. How much I loved you and hoped you would find happiness. How I hoped you would understand and not be mad at me for leaving.

My brothers, to say how I hoped you'd continue to take care of mom and of yourself and that I'd hope you would find love and a family to take care of like you did ours. That you'd know that Jesus loves you and has a plan for you. That you'd know how much I loved you and worried about you finding happiness, joy and peace. You'd find instructions on where to find the many prayers I wrote and prayed for you. Journals upon journals of them.

Mitchell you would've read apologies. How I was sorry I couldn't be stronger and get through it. Wishes for you to move on and love again.

Those letters that were meant to stay in my place. Those letters are gone now. Instead of reading them, I hope you'll read this: why I decided to stay.

As easy as it would've been for me to just give in, give up, and believe it wouldn't really matter, I couldn't help but think about you. All of you who would have to hear the news of what I'd done. I thought about you for just a second.....and that was all it took. To think about what this would mean for you. If this would matter to you. How this would matter to you.

That split second just moments before, was all it took for me to realize that as bad as I thought it all was, I realized that as bad as I thought I was, as much of a screwup as I believed I was, I realized that despite all of my shortcomings and feeling unknown, I mattered to you. I mattered.

I mattered to you. I still matter to you. Despite anything and everything, I matter. Not because of what I do or who I am, but simply because I exist. I matter because of the spirit that was placed inside of me.

In that moment, I decided to believe you. I decided to believe that I matter. I decided to believe.

I made up my mind to trust you, even if I couldn't trust myself yet. I decided to trust you to love me for exactly who I am. I trusted that you don’t have to agree with me completely to accept me completely. You don’t have to understand me fully to love me fully.

Even if I may hate myself, doesn't mean you do. Even if I'm frustrated and angry about my mental illness struggle, doesn't mean you are. Even if I blame myself for it all doesn't mean you do. Even if I feel my life won't amount to anything doesn't mean it won't. Even if I am scared you couldn't possibly love me if you knew who I was really was doesn't mean you wouldn't. Even though I'm a mess at times. Even though I'm still trying to figure it all out. Even though my journey looks different than anyone could have anticipated.

You would never see death as my best and only option. Nothing I could do or say would make that worth it. Nothing would be able to justify it for you. I would never be so worthless in your eyes that death was my best choice. 

Your faith in me is why I decided to stay. Mattering to you far outweighs the fear of failure and rejection that told me to give up and take those pills and end it.

I decided to stay. I wanted to stay to be able to tell you and show you that you matter to me, too. I understand now that I matter to you. I hope you know that you matter, too. Simply because you exist and have a life inside of you, that’s enough to make you matter.

Thank you for loving me and believing in me enough that even in my darkest, most hopeless moment, I could remember and know that I mattered to you. Mattering to you saved my life.

There are no longer letters of goodbye and regret for you to read. There's only this one to tell you how much you matter to me. 

Your faith in me restored my hope. I love you all, each and every one of you, and nothing in this world could ever change that. 

Love always,

Emily 

You'll Be In My Heart

Hello from MN!


Honestly, there’s so much to update and I can’t even begin to dive into it all right now. There was just a small story from today that I just had to write before I forgot any of the details. I promise, more updates to come soon!

Today was a hard day of teaching. I”ve been in my new classroom for 3 weeks now and it’s the usual- testing the new teacher and surveying her weak spots. Nothing I didn’t expect. Usually I’m strong enough to handle anything the 4-5 year olds throw my way. Usually.

Today, I just wasn’t. I’m not sure if it was my previous post about my dad and the experience I had yesterday. It makes me emotional whenever I think of the connection he and I have with teaching. It’s special to me, and I know it would’ve been special to him too.

So it could’ve been my post from this morning and the tenderness of that experience, or just one of those “weepy” days. I’m not sure. But for whatever reason, I forgot my thick skin at home, and today was extremely emotional for me in and out of the classroom. I was taking what my 5 year olds were saying to me personally. I somehow forgot that they’re just kids learning how to respect others.

It didn’t help things that Phil Collins “You’ll Be in My Heart” started playing in the classroom and I remembered it being my dad’s FAVORITE Disney song of all time. I teared up during a game of Uno and had to try my best to not start sobbing in front of a sweet 5 year old girl who probably would’ve just gone to get me a tissue. She’s so sweet.

My break could not come soon enough! I barely made it to my car when I just had to let the stress and frustration of the day, mixed with the emotion and tenderness of thinking so much about my dad hit me. And boy, it hit me. I just started driving just to drive, and as I did, I let myself release the cry that was weighing so heavy on my heart. There’s something very therapeutic about a good cry that’s been building up and starts to weigh you down. I call these the “necessary cries”.

Call me cheesy or whatever but I decided to turn on the Phil Collins Tarzan song and it ended up being the right call. Because although it made me cry even harder, I realized that the song has even more special meaning to me now. It is no longer just my dad’s favorite Disney song, but it’s as if it is his message to me, and to all of his loved ones. I listened to it probably 4 times in a row with this perspective and instead of making me feel sad and depleted, it made me feel stronger and stronger.

“This bond between us can't be broken. I will be here. Don't you cry. Cause you'll be in my heart. Yes, you'll be in my heart from this day on now and forever more.”

There will be hard days obviously. Sometimes inside the classroom, other times outside. But today was yet another reminder that Jesus sees us in those moments, and He sends us the messages we need to hear, right when we need them most.

And I’m so thankful that there is a saint in heaven championing me on in whatever it is I do with the life I am given.


#RunwithRandy

“When destiny calls you. You must be strong. I may not be with you, but you've got to hold on.”

Visits from Heaven

Every now and then, I'll have these special experiences that I believe are my dad's presence coming from heaven to let us know it's all going to be okay. Yesterday I had another.







I've been at my new job for a couple weeks now. It's been an emotional transition, as all change is. The highlight of my day is taking a quick walk though this very small park across the road from the school I teach at. I walk through the paths that leads me to this bench that I sit at for a few minutes just looking out across the small pond just to relax and take it all in. It's become my little ritual. Yesterday as I arrived at my usual bench, there in the place right beside where I usually sit.......these rocks were there in the shape of a heart. I smiled and cried because I KNOW that my dad was sitting there waiting for me. I don't know why and I don't know how. I can't explain how or why. I just KNOW without any doubt that he sat for a few minutes with me in my special spot. I cried, and then went back to school, where every single day, I honor my dad by being the kind of patient, kind, empathetic, passionate teacher that he was.

Evolving

Hi Ya’ll!

It’s been awhile since I’ve sat down to write out an update and whatnot.

13 days ago I began another, yes ANOTHER healthy eating plan. This one, called Evolv Reboot, came at the recommendation by my aunt Kathy and uncle Jim, who were in the middle of their own Reboot and were experiencing incredible results.

I’ll be honest, it wasn’t the healthy eating aspect of this plan that drew me in. No, it was the whole mission behind Evolv which is powered by the Hope Movement which carries out the mission of tackling the world’s greatest health issue of malnutrition. By “rebooting” your health, you learn healthy eating habits that are sustainable, plus the Hope Movement nourishes children from around the world who are literally starving. “Buy 1 , Nourish 2.” It’s a Christian based company that is really seeking to make a lasting impact. For those of you that know me, you know that I”m a sucker for these types of things. She had me at “feeding starving children”. I decided to give it a go and just see what happened. By purchasing a Reboot kit, I was able to donate 140 servings. So in my mind, even if I didn’t get any results, at least I was making a true impact.

Can I be honest again? I never for a second believed I would actually see any sort of tangible, noteworthy results. I didn’t even allow myself to get my hopes up, because I was so convinced this would be like everything else I had tried. I wouldn’t be able to do it, or even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to sustain it for very long. I’m the girl that quits early.

Well, here I sit on Day 13, with literal TEARS in my eyes because I am DOWN 7.5lbs in 13 days. To some, that may not seem like a ton, but to me, it’s the FIRST TIME I’ve actually experienced results on a healthy eating plan. And I’ve tried a lot. I’ve tried protein shakes, I’ve tried supplements galore, I’ve done juice cleanses, fasting. Nothing worked. And it was discouraging. So this 7.5lbs means that the Reboot WORKS.

Be sure you hear me when I say this: I KNOW my health is more than a number on a scale. I know that I am more than that number, and that there’s so much more that goes into being healthy. I get that. I really do. But when you’ve tried SO many different things, gotten hopeful about them all, only to see the scale only go up, when it starts to go down substantially, and you realize you aren’t starving to make that happen, you begin to CELEBRATE that it’s going down. So yes, I’m celebrating this small victory!

I’m actually surprised every time I go to the kitchen that I’m able to eat the foods that are allowed on this program. Sure they take out sugar for the first 14 days (which was hard for my sweet tooth self) but I’m eating REAL YUMMY FOOD. And tomorrow? Introducing Vacation Meals, where I get to indulge (in moderation of course) twice a week and KNOW that I am not cheating my healthy eating plan. Vacation meals are PART of this plan! WHAAAAAT.

This Reboot has been so good for me in more ways than one. Of course I’m actually learning HOW to eat healthy and clean. That’s what I was missing, the “HOW TO”. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that it was A.) LESS expensive than I anticipated, and B.) more simple to follow (not easy) that I expected.

Even more than that, I had a little come to Jesus meeting with myself when I realized that I was taking advantage of my health. I am 23 years old and overweight. I have no condition that excuses this away. I am otherwise healthy. And I realized that I can’t use my life circumstances to excuse the way I was eating whatever I wanted and not exercising properly with absolutely NO accountability. These are some of the life circumstances I would use as excuses as to why I couldn’t get my health on track.

I have depression. It makes it hard.

I have anxiety. It makes it hard.

I’m homesick.

I’m too sad.

My dad died.

I’m too busy.

My new job takes too much energy.

I’ll do it later.

Enough was enough. Am I right? No 23 year old should be taking advantage of their health in this way.

No more.

Day 14 tomorrow and I can honestly say I’m more empowered than ever and more hopeful than ever that there is good in the world that I CAN be a part of. So thankful. So excited to see what else I learn……

Thanks for letting me share.

Love,

Emily

"You're a Christian right? So you are voting republican?"

Sitting here catching up on last night's debate, I can't help but think back to some of the comments I've heard people make about this upcoming election. Most of them, in reference to my age and the tendency of millennial's to vote liberal, most comments go a little something like this:

"If you vote for her, it's your future down the toilet." 

I don't believe that's true. 

I believe: 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, 

who have been called according to his purpose." 

Romans 8:28

or

 "This is an incredibly dangerous election."

I believe this: 

"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? 

If God is for us, who can be against us?" 

Romans 8:31

"The Lord is my light and my salvation—

whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the stronghold of my life—

of whom shall I be afraid?" 

Psalm 27 

"You're a Christian right? So you are voting republican?"

As if Christian's only have 1 choice in this upcoming election? The last time I checked, Christians (just like everyone else in this country) have many choices. You aren't going to be able to guilt or shame me into voting for Donald Trump to keep my "Christian card". My identity as a Christian is rooted in what I believe about God, Jesus, and a personal relationship with my Savior. 

or, my personal favorite, 

"Well, Christian's need to be extremely 

worried about what this election could mean." 

As Americans, yes we do need to be 

informed about this election. 

But as a Christian, no, I don't believe that I need to be or SHOULD be worried at all. 

Here's why. 

The God that I choose to believe in is bigger than the President of the United States. God will still be God if Donald Trump is President. God will still be God if Hilary Clinton is president. The outcome of this election isn't going to surprise the God that I believe in. And what's more, I don't believe for one minute that God's love for me, ability to provide for me, protect me, and work things out for the good of those who love and trust in Him is dependent on who is president. Quite honestly, the God I believe in can do anything, regardless of who holds the title of the POTUS. 

I believe that God is bigger that this political arena. Period. 

So, am I afraid of what might happen to me after Donald or Hilary becomes president?

 No, I'm not worried. The God I believe in promises me NOT to worry, because He has got my back, He loves me, He cares MORE about my future than any president ever could or would. 

I trust God with my future, and that is in no way shape or form dependent on who becomes president, because regardless of what America decides, I trust God's power, ability, and His heart to take care of those who choose to believe in Him and trust Him.

God's love, protection, provision, and blessing of me isn't based on who I vote for, or what I believe politically. No, the God I believe in will still love me and look out for my very best interests if I vote for Donald Trump. And the God I believe in will still love me and look out for my very best interests if I vote for Hilary Clinton. Heck, the God I believe in will still love me and look out for my very best interests if I choose NOT to vote or if I choose not to give a rat's behind about politics at all.

I believe that God's love, His power, His provision, His sovereignty, His existence for that matter, isn't based on politics. God isn't constrained by political agendas regardless of who ends up president.

As long as I choose to trust Him and believe in Him to take care of my life and love me forever, there's no vote I could cast, no choice I could make, or anything I could ever do that would tie God's hands from being able and willing to take care of those He created in the first place. 

I'm not looking to air out all of my own political beliefs and opinions, (although I'm open to those types of discussions.) I just felt the urgency to share my heart about this upcoming election, and how I trust that my future is in good hands- God's good hands.

***********************************************************************

Things I'm Keeping in Mind this Election Season: 

“Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, atall the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can.”

Matthew 25:35-40New International Version (NIV)

35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

Trading Unliked, Unwelcome, Worthless for Accepted, Secure, Significant

Inclusion.

There's a reason why it's a universal need for all humans in some capacity. Because excluded hurts no matter how you dice it and no matter how it is dished out.

Not being included hurts.

Being left out wounds.

Not being invited to the party sucks.

Period.

What's worse than being excluded is being excluded because you're unliked, unwelcome, or deemed unworthy.

Being unliked is the worst.

But is it?

Does being unliked have anything at all to do with you, or does it say more about the people who don't like you enough to deem you worthy of being included?

See, I'm learning it has more to do with them than it does with you or me.

Because no matter what we do, there will always be people who don't want to include us, don't like us, and who don't recognize or acknowledge that we have worth.  Believe me, I know how easy it is to feel like because of these people, we are somehow unlovable, worthless, and just wrong somehow.

It's. Not. True.

Whether or not I am included, liked, accepted, welcomed, or invited doesn't determine my worth or my ability to be loved. Or at least, it doesn't have to. If I choose to not let it define my worth, it has no power over me, and doesn't have to keep me awake at night wondering what is wrong with me and why everyone can't  just love and accept me.

The truest truth is that God thinks I am lovable, so much so He sent His son to die for me even with my flaws and my wrongness. Jesus thinks every single one of us is worth dying for. And no one is excluded from that. Everyone is welcome to that party.

So I guess with that perspective, yeah being excluded still hurts, but I'm so thankful for the grace that reminds me that Jesus too was hated, but that didn't stop him from living his purpose.

So whether or not I'm included, welcome, liked, and accepted, I'm going to keep my eyes focused on who God has made me to be despite the hurts, because I'm loved by the Creator of the world, and the most loving husband, the best dad, mom brothers, cousins, aunts, grandparents, friends, and preschoolers. And their unconditional love, acceptance, inclusion, and openness is more than enough for me.

I am accepted. I am secure. I am significant in the eyes of a mighty Father.  And no missed invitation, no unwelcomeness, no matter how much I am excluded and disliked, nothing will ever take that away from me.

God's Love Language to Me

It's been a couple months since we took our trip to Flordia and I was reading in my journal from that trip. As I was reading, I came across something I meant to turn into a blog post. Here it is a couple months late.

________________________________________

The beach
The sunset
It's a glorious thing to behold.
I can't look away from the waves and the clouds and the sun reflecting off the water. The beauty and immensity of it all.
Reminds me of heaven.
Back when I was processing my emdr, the beach is the place I would picture when thinking about my happy place.
The beach brings me joy. It brings me peace. God uses the elements of the ocean at sunset to communicate the most heavenly things to me. It's His very own love language.

Now, it is impossible for me to behold all of this without thinking of my dad and the deep longing I have in my heart just to be with him. It makes my heart ache and tears come to my eyes just thinking about it.

I imagine what heaven must be like. Are there oceans and sunsets up there? I wonder what the view is like. Does dad see me down here thinking about him? Is there ever a moment when I'm looking up towards heaven and he's looking down towards earth that our eyes meet? Have I ever looked into his eyes without knowing it?

These are the things I wonder. And these ponderings get sent out into the immensity that the ocean represents.

I'm so thankful that God is bigger than all my eyes see right now.

I'm thankful for the way I feel His presence and His love. I'm thankful for the way He allows me to feel my dad's presence in an indescribable way. I'm thankful for the peace I feel as I stand before a scene so glorious and beautiful.

Most of all, I'm thankful for Jesus. Because of Jesus alone, I know that there will be a day someday soon, where we will be reunited with our dad, our husband, our friend. That reunion will be sweeter than I can even begin to imagine. God's Word promises this to all who believe in Jesus. I believe this with my whole heart. My prayer is that all who are reading this right now would believe, too.

And just between me and all of you reading this, I'm hoping this sweet reunion takes place on the beach (if there are beaches) in heaven.

Freedom & Responsibility for Control Freaks like Me.

I’m starting to sound like a broken record. It seems as if all I’m able to do is talk about my anxiety and depression. How hard it is. How much it hurts. How I can’t seem to shake it. That’s all true, but you know what else is true? I am sick of talking about it. I am sick sick sick of it.

Perhaps it’s time for a new philosophy, a new outlook on these struggles. I know I'm not the only one to experience these things. So, it is my prayer that what I’ve been coming to learn will help so many others who wrestle and struggle with life.

We’ve all heard the saying, “there’s freedom in the letting go!” This is true! So so true! There’s freedom in not letting anxiety, depression, fear, or whatever other struggle you have control your life. There IS freedom in letting these go and surrendering to God!

While there is this amazing freedom unlike any other, we tend to shy away from talking about the one thing that goes along with that freedom…...responsibility.

This was all birthed out of a conversation I had with Mitchell a few weeks back. We were out on a walk on a beautiful sunny day. We had been walking in quiet for several moments when I commented on how I had been feeling better and better lately, able to experience the highs and lows of life feeling more like myself that I had in awhile. I could tell this made him happy to hear and he said, “you’ve had more freedom in the highs, and more responsibility in the lows.” I thought about that for a second and realized how deeply profound and incredibly accurate that short, simple phrase was.

Freedom in the highs. Responsibility in the lows.

For maybe the first time in my life, I came to the realization that I am in control of how I deal with the lows of life. I can either A.) focus on what I can control and what has been proven to make me feel better or help me cope or B.) sit in bed, cry, and think about how awful it is and let the wave of self pity wash over me and let the black hole of depression suck me in. It's taken some maturing to want to be a grownup and take responsibility. But I finally realized that I had these 2 options. Just because I've struggled with depression and anxiety doesn't mean I automatically have to be miserable. In taking on the responsibility of my own health and emotional load (sometimes overload) I've been experiencing a new freedom unlike any other I’ve experienced.

As I've been on a journey of learning how to better manage my emotional health and taking steps to be proactive and do things that positively impact my emotional outlook and physical health, I've learned something. What if what I'm experiencing is not so much me experiencing depression but me experiencing real life in a broken world?  Real life comes with highs and life comes with lows. You can't experience one without the other, at least not in this life. Maybe me not feeling in control of how I felt and not wanting to get out of bed was really just me not wanting to take responsibility to change how I felt in my lows? 1

Maybe I'm not supposed to experience nothing but happy feelings and highs this side of heaven....

What I realized was this: I’ve been understanding this struggle all wrong.

You see, all along, I’ve been uber focused and depressed over the things I simply cannot control. Instead of living up to my responsibility to the things I can control. After all, that’s what depression is, an overwhelmingly hopeless feeling we have over the things that happen in our life that are far beyond our control.

Here’s the bottom line: I’m never going to like not being in control. Thankfully, God knows this about me and He has empowered me to take control over certain aspects of my life. The problem is knowing what is ours and what isn’t. Seeking wisdom and counsel has helped me discern in this process.

Examples of things I myself can control:

• Whether or not I choose to spend time in God’s word and in prayer. God doesn’t force me to do this, and He doesn’t force Himself on me. It’s up to me whether I let Him in and acknowledge Him in my daily life.
• What I choose to think about and what I turn my mind from. Do I focus and obsess over positive or negative things?
• What I do to take care of my body such as eating right and exercising. There’s this saying that food is the most abused anxiety drug and exercise is the most underused antidepressant.
• Whether or not I choose to notice the good things and be grateful or focus on the bad things and grumble. It is so true that a thankful heart is a happy heart! Find a way to express your gratitude for the good things in life.
• Do I retreat and seclude myself from others or do I engage with my family and friends and allow their joy to fill me up? As an introvert, I tend to want to be alone with a struggle, but the times when I allow myself to be around other people who care about me, it's done wonders for a crappy mood.

These simple things have the power to change my whole entire life for the better! And what’s even better? I have been entrusted control over all of them! I’ve been given freedom in having a choice so it’s up to me whether or not I take responsibility for the things I can control, which in turn, has a dramatic effect on my life spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

Here’s a basic truth for all of us: feeling out of control just breeds anxiety and depression. But trusting God to handle his part and taking responsibility for what He has entrusted to me leads to freedom. Freedom and responsibility go hand in hand.

Making the choice to DO these things has changed my entire outlook and life philosophy. I used to believe God was making me struggle or He was absent from my life. God wasn’t refusing to help me and God wasn’t absent. No, what I realized was that God was there the whole time telling me that He had already given me everything I needed. He was there the whole time patiently waiting for me to realize that I was failing to hold up my end. He had already done His part and was waiting for me to claim the power He had already given me. 2 Timothy 1:7 says, “ for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” The Spirit of God living inside of you and me has given us power! It’s our responsibility to claim that. The GOOD news?? God NEVER leaves us on our own to handle it. He just knows what He’s put inside of us and the potential we have. He’s right there pulling it out of the depths of my heart:  

And the BEST news?? Through Christ, we can do all things (Philippians 4:13) and in Jesus, we are MORE than conquerors!!! (Romans 8:37)

Thank you Jesus! Give me the grace I need to surrender and experience freedom, and the courage and self-control to take responsibility for what you’ve entrusted to me. Amen!!!

Have questions or comments about my struggle or what you've read here? 

Feel free to contact me! Let's talk about it. 

---

1 An afterthought:

Let me clear something up right now, this is not me saying I didn't struggle with depression and I’m not questioning any of you readers who have or are struggling. There was a time when my medicine was needed to help me cope and be able to deal with what I needed to deal with. I'm just thinking out loud that maybe it's time I take over responsibility for both the highs and the lows of life. After all, with great responsibility comes great freedom. And to me, the trade off is more than worth it.

let our life be the proof of Your love

Happy 2016, friends and family!!

Forgive me that my New Year blessing is a little late. I hope 2016 has been full of joy and love for all of you. I know it has been the start of a great year for us. I'm so thankful.

2015 ended with us spending quite a bit of time with our family at Buck Saw Lodge. Mitchell and I both agreed that there was no other place we would’ve rather been than with our family who genuinely enjoys being together and loves each other so freely.

Thanksgiving….the 2nd without dad. I don’t imagine it gets any easier, but there is no doubt we have so much to be thankful for. He was in our hearts, and we all remembered him in our own way. Of course, since it was a Sipe family gathering, the food was delicious and in abundance. Just the way Mitchell likes it ;) HA!

A couple weeks later we were home in Breckenridge for “Breath of Heaven” cantata. One of our family’s favorite Christmas traditions. It’s been so special to have Mitchell a part of this for the last 2 years. It was such an honor to sing “Breath of Heaven” and imagine myself as Mary, scared by the incredible calling God placed on her life, and all of the unknowns she must’ve had. It was an incredible weekend and it definitely put us all in the Christmas spirit. :)

This was the first Christmas for all of us at Buck Saw Lodge. None of us thought the BSL couldn’t get any better after the summer we had, but Christmas there was just as amazing! It was a time spent cuddling by the fire, taking walks outside in the snow, eating food, drinking shakes, playing card games, taking selfies, singing around the piano, knitting (Annie), talking, laughing, taking hot tubs, bowling, watching movies and lots of Shark Tank, eating some more, and most importantly, just enjoying being together. I’ll never forget Mitchell said as we crawled into bed late one night, “I just love it here.” It made my heart swell to hear him say that with a huge grin across his face. I agreed with his statement wholeheartedly.

A week or so later and it was time to celebrate all that 2015 was and all that 2016 will be! I love New Years so much because as a natural born planner/dreamer/goal-setter, I love what a new year means…..time to make all kinds of dreams and plans and goals. 1 month in and I’m so proud of the progress we’re making towards some of those dreams we had for 2016. I’ve said so many times that 2015 was, for the most part, a year of survival for us, of just getting by, of trying to keep our head above water. But as I was praying about 2016, I couldn’t help but feel that 2016 was going to be different. It was going to a be a year of preparation. A year of getting ready for what’s to come. What is that exactly? I have no idea, but I do know that God has a plan and it’s already in the works for us. :) I can’t wait to see what the other 11 months of 2016 hold.

It is 100 million percent true that the holiday season for us was full of love, laughter, and family. But I’d be lying if I said that the last few months have been a breeze for Mitchell and I. Far from it. Standing here on the other side of some of the hardest situations and conflicts I’ve had to face, I can say that I’m thankful that God led us out of the thicket and into a place of calm at just the right time. We’ve learned a lot about each other through it all and against all odds, it’s made our marriage so much stronger than I ever imagined possible.

God has used this time to teach me so much about conflict as a Christian, forgiveness, grace, letting go and the healthy need for distance.

If we’ve learned anything it is that everyone in the world needs a little help dealing with life from time to time. With the help of our therapist, we’ve reached the other side of some really hard obstacles. If you’ve been around my blog before, you know that I was a strong advocate for therapy before, but we’re both so grateful for what counseling has done for our marriage, our lives, and our emotional and spiritual growth, we believe in it for everyone and anyone. Nobody is perfect. Nobody is too put together. We all need help. (Click here for more of my thoughts on therapy)

In hindsight, standing on a foundation that is much more solid, looking back over the wreckage, the last few months serve as a piercing reminder to myself as much as anyone else on forgiveness. The grace God gives me for the mistakes I make on a daily basis and the way I fail Him serves as a model for me to follow when others hurt me and prove themselves to be just as imperfect as I am. It’s a sobering reminder, but a reminder we all need nonetheless.

But just because forgiveness is right and good, doesn’t mean it’s easy. God never said it would be. In fact, I’ve never been able to forgive someone without His help. Because the truth of the matter is, there has never been a time in my life where I have been more hurt by someone else’s words and actions. There has also never been a time in my life where I’ve been someone so unlike myself, that I too was saying and doing things I knew were hurting others.

It’s a vicious cycle, isn’t it?

When we’re hurt, we want to hurt them back even worse. When we’re offended, we want to offend even more. When we’re cut, we want to cut deeper.

Not only is this cycle vicious; it’s toxic.

So toxic and so intoxicating, that it’s hard to find your way out once you’ve entangled yourself in it’s web. I’m thankful to God for sending me a man who has a way of leading me out of the darkness, into the way of life. He protects me, he fights for me, and he reminds me that in situations like this, with people who have it in their hearts to hurt like this, sometimes the best thing to do is to just walk away. 

I’ll never forget one night I was at my worst. Feeling so incredibly small, helpless, hated, worthless, unlovable, and angry. My sweet mama and husband were sitting with me listening to me blubber through tears, “what more can I do?” After putting so much of my heart out there, and trying and trying to be a good person and do what I believed in my heart to be right, it still wasn’t enough. The painfully true, and long overdue reality check came from my older brother when he reminded me that sometimes, for some people, my best, no matter how much it takes out of me, it will never ever, ever be enough. 

That’s when they all were able to remind me that being a Christian doesn’t mean being everyone’s doormat. Loving and kind people are allowed to distance themselves from toxic situations and toxic people, especially when those situations and those people bring out the very non-Christian side of me, which unfortunately, was incredibly true in this case. Hate breeds hate. Eventually, someone has to stop adding fuel to the fire and just let the flames turn to embers over time. So, as painful as it was to face this reality, that’s what we had to do. And no, we don’t feel guilty for it.

Guard your heart from those who seek to destroy all that is good in it.

God spoke very clearly to me at this time and told me that the spirit He had placed inside of me and the spirit he had placed inside of Mitchell needed to be protected. I had no idea how to even begin protecting it and repairing the damage that had been done to my heart, to my life, to my husband’s heart, my husband’s life, to our marriage, the marriage that was still so new and in need of nurturing.

It makes me so sad that there are evil forces in this world that seek to destroy the good we fight so hard to find and keep alive. I’m commanded to give grace. I’m commanded to forgive. I’m commanded to turn my cheek and not retaliate in anger. Does it mean I should allow my heart to continually be raked against the hottest coals of my life? No. Because it wasn’t doing anyone any good at all. The truth was, it was killing me. It was killing my relationships. It was killing my marriage. It was killing the spirit God had given me to have an open and loving heart. At a certain point, I realized it was time to stop letting others try and steal that away from me. That was not their right. I didn’t need to be giving them so much power to determine whether or not I was going to have a good or bad day. They didn’t define who I was and who I am. God does.

But with so much pain, and so much hurt. Was the damage beyond repair?

In a place of such utter hopelessness, God met us in the darkest place and showed us there was a way out. All we had to do was hold onto the vows we made to each other, no matter who or what tried to tear them apart, and take each step together. God is showing us the way to restoration and forgiveness. 2016 feels like a new year for us. In many ways, we’re learning what the first few months of marriage should have typically been like, but nothing about our marriage thus far has been what I would describe as “typical”. I’ve experienced more high mountaintops and lower and low valley experiences these last 8 months than I ever thought possible, but I’m now more convinced than ever that God knew exactly what He was doing when He placed Mitchell and I together. 

Against the toughest of odds, against some of the most vicious and downright hateful things we’ve endured, our marriage is stronger than ever. Despite even the most ruthless attempts to convince us to throw in the towel and give up, we persevered. God held us together. And that is all thanks and praise to Jesus. If it were just the two of us in this, this marriage would’ve ended the week we got back from our honeymoon, but we were very intentional on our wedding day that this wouldn’t be a marriage of 2, no, we desired a marriage of 3. Jesus at the center of it all.

It’s a lesson I’ll probably never stop learning….that my worth and acceptance isn’t based on how others see, perceive, or think they know me. My identity is in Christ. Period. Others can try and define me in other ways and they can see me however they want, but as long as I’m doing all that I can to shine the light of Jesus, that’s all that He has ever asked of me, and that’s all I can expect out of myself. Can I expect to be liked by absolutely everyone? Unfortunately not. Can I expect to be accepted by absolutely everyone? Unfortunately no. Can I expect to be understood and known by absolutely everyone? No! But Jesus….yes Jesus promises to LOVE me, to ACCEPT me, and He KNOWS me and UNDERSTANDS me. And that, for maybe the first time in all my life, is okay with me. I’m at peace, because love, acceptance, and being known by Jesus is MORE than enough for me. :)

I’m not saying we get that right all of the time. Are we perfect? Heavens no. But it is the deepest desire of our hearts to have a marriage, to have a family, to have a life that pleases God and points others to Jesus. My prayer every night is this……”let our life be the proof of Your love.”

All of our hopes and dreams for 2016 are rooted in this desire. We’ve made it a point to say “no” to the things that don’t breathe life. And say, “yes” to the things that do. God is continuing to amaze us by what He’s already done in our life. He’s sent us friendships that have grown into some of the most God-honoring friendships we’ve ever experienced. We’ve been given new opportunities, new adventures that are teaching us all about faith and trust. We’re beginning to look ahead with a lot more joy and a little less fear. 2016 has been good to us so far. I pray that it’s been good to you, too!

God is mending mine and Mitchell’s hearts. I know He’ll restore us. I believe we will be more than fine. I can’t wait to share more of our journey with you all here. 2016 is going to be a good one, I believe that for us, and I believe that for you. :)

Until next time,

Emily