You'll Be In My Heart

Hello from MN!


Honestly, there’s so much to update and I can’t even begin to dive into it all right now. There was just a small story from today that I just had to write before I forgot any of the details. I promise, more updates to come soon!

Today was a hard day of teaching. I”ve been in my new classroom for 3 weeks now and it’s the usual- testing the new teacher and surveying her weak spots. Nothing I didn’t expect. Usually I’m strong enough to handle anything the 4-5 year olds throw my way. Usually.

Today, I just wasn’t. I’m not sure if it was my previous post about my dad and the experience I had yesterday. It makes me emotional whenever I think of the connection he and I have with teaching. It’s special to me, and I know it would’ve been special to him too.

So it could’ve been my post from this morning and the tenderness of that experience, or just one of those “weepy” days. I’m not sure. But for whatever reason, I forgot my thick skin at home, and today was extremely emotional for me in and out of the classroom. I was taking what my 5 year olds were saying to me personally. I somehow forgot that they’re just kids learning how to respect others.

It didn’t help things that Phil Collins “You’ll Be in My Heart” started playing in the classroom and I remembered it being my dad’s FAVORITE Disney song of all time. I teared up during a game of Uno and had to try my best to not start sobbing in front of a sweet 5 year old girl who probably would’ve just gone to get me a tissue. She’s so sweet.

My break could not come soon enough! I barely made it to my car when I just had to let the stress and frustration of the day, mixed with the emotion and tenderness of thinking so much about my dad hit me. And boy, it hit me. I just started driving just to drive, and as I did, I let myself release the cry that was weighing so heavy on my heart. There’s something very therapeutic about a good cry that’s been building up and starts to weigh you down. I call these the “necessary cries”.

Call me cheesy or whatever but I decided to turn on the Phil Collins Tarzan song and it ended up being the right call. Because although it made me cry even harder, I realized that the song has even more special meaning to me now. It is no longer just my dad’s favorite Disney song, but it’s as if it is his message to me, and to all of his loved ones. I listened to it probably 4 times in a row with this perspective and instead of making me feel sad and depleted, it made me feel stronger and stronger.

“This bond between us can't be broken. I will be here. Don't you cry. Cause you'll be in my heart. Yes, you'll be in my heart from this day on now and forever more.”

There will be hard days obviously. Sometimes inside the classroom, other times outside. But today was yet another reminder that Jesus sees us in those moments, and He sends us the messages we need to hear, right when we need them most.

And I’m so thankful that there is a saint in heaven championing me on in whatever it is I do with the life I am given.


#RunwithRandy

“When destiny calls you. You must be strong. I may not be with you, but you've got to hold on.”

Visits from Heaven

Every now and then, I'll have these special experiences that I believe are my dad's presence coming from heaven to let us know it's all going to be okay. Yesterday I had another.







I've been at my new job for a couple weeks now. It's been an emotional transition, as all change is. The highlight of my day is taking a quick walk though this very small park across the road from the school I teach at. I walk through the paths that leads me to this bench that I sit at for a few minutes just looking out across the small pond just to relax and take it all in. It's become my little ritual. Yesterday as I arrived at my usual bench, there in the place right beside where I usually sit.......these rocks were there in the shape of a heart. I smiled and cried because I KNOW that my dad was sitting there waiting for me. I don't know why and I don't know how. I can't explain how or why. I just KNOW without any doubt that he sat for a few minutes with me in my special spot. I cried, and then went back to school, where every single day, I honor my dad by being the kind of patient, kind, empathetic, passionate teacher that he was.

Evolving

Hi Ya’ll!

It’s been awhile since I’ve sat down to write out an update and whatnot.

13 days ago I began another, yes ANOTHER healthy eating plan. This one, called Evolv Reboot, came at the recommendation by my aunt Kathy and uncle Jim, who were in the middle of their own Reboot and were experiencing incredible results.

I’ll be honest, it wasn’t the healthy eating aspect of this plan that drew me in. No, it was the whole mission behind Evolv which is powered by the Hope Movement which carries out the mission of tackling the world’s greatest health issue of malnutrition. By “rebooting” your health, you learn healthy eating habits that are sustainable, plus the Hope Movement nourishes children from around the world who are literally starving. “Buy 1 , Nourish 2.” It’s a Christian based company that is really seeking to make a lasting impact. For those of you that know me, you know that I”m a sucker for these types of things. She had me at “feeding starving children”. I decided to give it a go and just see what happened. By purchasing a Reboot kit, I was able to donate 140 servings. So in my mind, even if I didn’t get any results, at least I was making a true impact.

Can I be honest again? I never for a second believed I would actually see any sort of tangible, noteworthy results. I didn’t even allow myself to get my hopes up, because I was so convinced this would be like everything else I had tried. I wouldn’t be able to do it, or even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to sustain it for very long. I’m the girl that quits early.

Well, here I sit on Day 13, with literal TEARS in my eyes because I am DOWN 7.5lbs in 13 days. To some, that may not seem like a ton, but to me, it’s the FIRST TIME I’ve actually experienced results on a healthy eating plan. And I’ve tried a lot. I’ve tried protein shakes, I’ve tried supplements galore, I’ve done juice cleanses, fasting. Nothing worked. And it was discouraging. So this 7.5lbs means that the Reboot WORKS.

Be sure you hear me when I say this: I KNOW my health is more than a number on a scale. I know that I am more than that number, and that there’s so much more that goes into being healthy. I get that. I really do. But when you’ve tried SO many different things, gotten hopeful about them all, only to see the scale only go up, when it starts to go down substantially, and you realize you aren’t starving to make that happen, you begin to CELEBRATE that it’s going down. So yes, I’m celebrating this small victory!

I’m actually surprised every time I go to the kitchen that I’m able to eat the foods that are allowed on this program. Sure they take out sugar for the first 14 days (which was hard for my sweet tooth self) but I’m eating REAL YUMMY FOOD. And tomorrow? Introducing Vacation Meals, where I get to indulge (in moderation of course) twice a week and KNOW that I am not cheating my healthy eating plan. Vacation meals are PART of this plan! WHAAAAAT.

This Reboot has been so good for me in more ways than one. Of course I’m actually learning HOW to eat healthy and clean. That’s what I was missing, the “HOW TO”. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that it was A.) LESS expensive than I anticipated, and B.) more simple to follow (not easy) that I expected.

Even more than that, I had a little come to Jesus meeting with myself when I realized that I was taking advantage of my health. I am 23 years old and overweight. I have no condition that excuses this away. I am otherwise healthy. And I realized that I can’t use my life circumstances to excuse the way I was eating whatever I wanted and not exercising properly with absolutely NO accountability. These are some of the life circumstances I would use as excuses as to why I couldn’t get my health on track.

I have depression. It makes it hard.

I have anxiety. It makes it hard.

I’m homesick.

I’m too sad.

My dad died.

I’m too busy.

My new job takes too much energy.

I’ll do it later.

Enough was enough. Am I right? No 23 year old should be taking advantage of their health in this way.

No more.

Day 14 tomorrow and I can honestly say I’m more empowered than ever and more hopeful than ever that there is good in the world that I CAN be a part of. So thankful. So excited to see what else I learn……

Thanks for letting me share.

Love,

Emily

"You're a Christian right? So you are voting republican?"

Sitting here catching up on last night's debate, I can't help but think back to some of the comments I've heard people make about this upcoming election. Most of them, in reference to my age and the tendency of millennial's to vote liberal, most comments go a little something like this:

"If you vote for her, it's your future down the toilet." 

I don't believe that's true. 

I believe: 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, 

who have been called according to his purpose." 

Romans 8:28

or

 "This is an incredibly dangerous election."

I believe this: 

"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? 

If God is for us, who can be against us?" 

Romans 8:31

"The Lord is my light and my salvation—

whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the stronghold of my life—

of whom shall I be afraid?" 

Psalm 27 

"You're a Christian right? So you are voting republican?"

As if Christian's only have 1 choice in this upcoming election? The last time I checked, Christians (just like everyone else in this country) have many choices. You aren't going to be able to guilt or shame me into voting for Donald Trump to keep my "Christian card". My identity as a Christian is rooted in what I believe about God, Jesus, and a personal relationship with my Savior. 

or, my personal favorite, 

"Well, Christian's need to be extremely 

worried about what this election could mean." 

As Americans, yes we do need to be 

informed about this election. 

But as a Christian, no, I don't believe that I need to be or SHOULD be worried at all. 

Here's why. 

The God that I choose to believe in is bigger than the President of the United States. God will still be God if Donald Trump is President. God will still be God if Hilary Clinton is president. The outcome of this election isn't going to surprise the God that I believe in. And what's more, I don't believe for one minute that God's love for me, ability to provide for me, protect me, and work things out for the good of those who love and trust in Him is dependent on who is president. Quite honestly, the God I believe in can do anything, regardless of who holds the title of the POTUS. 

I believe that God is bigger that this political arena. Period. 

So, am I afraid of what might happen to me after Donald or Hilary becomes president?

 No, I'm not worried. The God I believe in promises me NOT to worry, because He has got my back, He loves me, He cares MORE about my future than any president ever could or would. 

I trust God with my future, and that is in no way shape or form dependent on who becomes president, because regardless of what America decides, I trust God's power, ability, and His heart to take care of those who choose to believe in Him and trust Him.

God's love, protection, provision, and blessing of me isn't based on who I vote for, or what I believe politically. No, the God I believe in will still love me and look out for my very best interests if I vote for Donald Trump. And the God I believe in will still love me and look out for my very best interests if I vote for Hilary Clinton. Heck, the God I believe in will still love me and look out for my very best interests if I choose NOT to vote or if I choose not to give a rat's behind about politics at all.

I believe that God's love, His power, His provision, His sovereignty, His existence for that matter, isn't based on politics. God isn't constrained by political agendas regardless of who ends up president.

As long as I choose to trust Him and believe in Him to take care of my life and love me forever, there's no vote I could cast, no choice I could make, or anything I could ever do that would tie God's hands from being able and willing to take care of those He created in the first place. 

I'm not looking to air out all of my own political beliefs and opinions, (although I'm open to those types of discussions.) I just felt the urgency to share my heart about this upcoming election, and how I trust that my future is in good hands- God's good hands.

***********************************************************************

Things I'm Keeping in Mind this Election Season: 

“Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, atall the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can.”

Matthew 25:35-40New International Version (NIV)

35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

Trading Unliked, Unwelcome, Worthless for Accepted, Secure, Significant

Inclusion.

There's a reason why it's a universal need for all humans in some capacity. Because excluded hurts no matter how you dice it and no matter how it is dished out.

Not being included hurts.

Being left out wounds.

Not being invited to the party sucks.

Period.

What's worse than being excluded is being excluded because you're unliked, unwelcome, or deemed unworthy.

Being unliked is the worst.

But is it?

Does being unliked have anything at all to do with you, or does it say more about the people who don't like you enough to deem you worthy of being included?

See, I'm learning it has more to do with them than it does with you or me.

Because no matter what we do, there will always be people who don't want to include us, don't like us, and who don't recognize or acknowledge that we have worth.  Believe me, I know how easy it is to feel like because of these people, we are somehow unlovable, worthless, and just wrong somehow.

It's. Not. True.

Whether or not I am included, liked, accepted, welcomed, or invited doesn't determine my worth or my ability to be loved. Or at least, it doesn't have to. If I choose to not let it define my worth, it has no power over me, and doesn't have to keep me awake at night wondering what is wrong with me and why everyone can't  just love and accept me.

The truest truth is that God thinks I am lovable, so much so He sent His son to die for me even with my flaws and my wrongness. Jesus thinks every single one of us is worth dying for. And no one is excluded from that. Everyone is welcome to that party.

So I guess with that perspective, yeah being excluded still hurts, but I'm so thankful for the grace that reminds me that Jesus too was hated, but that didn't stop him from living his purpose.

So whether or not I'm included, welcome, liked, and accepted, I'm going to keep my eyes focused on who God has made me to be despite the hurts, because I'm loved by the Creator of the world, and the most loving husband, the best dad, mom brothers, cousins, aunts, grandparents, friends, and preschoolers. And their unconditional love, acceptance, inclusion, and openness is more than enough for me.

I am accepted. I am secure. I am significant in the eyes of a mighty Father.  And no missed invitation, no unwelcomeness, no matter how much I am excluded and disliked, nothing will ever take that away from me.

God's Love Language to Me

It's been a couple months since we took our trip to Flordia and I was reading in my journal from that trip. As I was reading, I came across something I meant to turn into a blog post. Here it is a couple months late.

________________________________________

The beach
The sunset
It's a glorious thing to behold.
I can't look away from the waves and the clouds and the sun reflecting off the water. The beauty and immensity of it all.
Reminds me of heaven.
Back when I was processing my emdr, the beach is the place I would picture when thinking about my happy place.
The beach brings me joy. It brings me peace. God uses the elements of the ocean at sunset to communicate the most heavenly things to me. It's His very own love language.

Now, it is impossible for me to behold all of this without thinking of my dad and the deep longing I have in my heart just to be with him. It makes my heart ache and tears come to my eyes just thinking about it.

I imagine what heaven must be like. Are there oceans and sunsets up there? I wonder what the view is like. Does dad see me down here thinking about him? Is there ever a moment when I'm looking up towards heaven and he's looking down towards earth that our eyes meet? Have I ever looked into his eyes without knowing it?

These are the things I wonder. And these ponderings get sent out into the immensity that the ocean represents.

I'm so thankful that God is bigger than all my eyes see right now.

I'm thankful for the way I feel His presence and His love. I'm thankful for the way He allows me to feel my dad's presence in an indescribable way. I'm thankful for the peace I feel as I stand before a scene so glorious and beautiful.

Most of all, I'm thankful for Jesus. Because of Jesus alone, I know that there will be a day someday soon, where we will be reunited with our dad, our husband, our friend. That reunion will be sweeter than I can even begin to imagine. God's Word promises this to all who believe in Jesus. I believe this with my whole heart. My prayer is that all who are reading this right now would believe, too.

And just between me and all of you reading this, I'm hoping this sweet reunion takes place on the beach (if there are beaches) in heaven.

Freedom & Responsibility for Control Freaks like Me.

I’m starting to sound like a broken record. It seems as if all I’m able to do is talk about my anxiety and depression. How hard it is. How much it hurts. How I can’t seem to shake it. That’s all true, but you know what else is true? I am sick of talking about it. I am sick sick sick of it.

Perhaps it’s time for a new philosophy, a new outlook on these struggles. I know I'm not the only one to experience these things. So, it is my prayer that what I’ve been coming to learn will help so many others who wrestle and struggle with life.

We’ve all heard the saying, “there’s freedom in the letting go!” This is true! So so true! There’s freedom in not letting anxiety, depression, fear, or whatever other struggle you have control your life. There IS freedom in letting these go and surrendering to God!

While there is this amazing freedom unlike any other, we tend to shy away from talking about the one thing that goes along with that freedom…...responsibility.

This was all birthed out of a conversation I had with Mitchell a few weeks back. We were out on a walk on a beautiful sunny day. We had been walking in quiet for several moments when I commented on how I had been feeling better and better lately, able to experience the highs and lows of life feeling more like myself that I had in awhile. I could tell this made him happy to hear and he said, “you’ve had more freedom in the highs, and more responsibility in the lows.” I thought about that for a second and realized how deeply profound and incredibly accurate that short, simple phrase was.

Freedom in the highs. Responsibility in the lows.

For maybe the first time in my life, I came to the realization that I am in control of how I deal with the lows of life. I can either A.) focus on what I can control and what has been proven to make me feel better or help me cope or B.) sit in bed, cry, and think about how awful it is and let the wave of self pity wash over me and let the black hole of depression suck me in. It's taken some maturing to want to be a grownup and take responsibility. But I finally realized that I had these 2 options. Just because I've struggled with depression and anxiety doesn't mean I automatically have to be miserable. In taking on the responsibility of my own health and emotional load (sometimes overload) I've been experiencing a new freedom unlike any other I’ve experienced.

As I've been on a journey of learning how to better manage my emotional health and taking steps to be proactive and do things that positively impact my emotional outlook and physical health, I've learned something. What if what I'm experiencing is not so much me experiencing depression but me experiencing real life in a broken world?  Real life comes with highs and life comes with lows. You can't experience one without the other, at least not in this life. Maybe me not feeling in control of how I felt and not wanting to get out of bed was really just me not wanting to take responsibility to change how I felt in my lows? 1

Maybe I'm not supposed to experience nothing but happy feelings and highs this side of heaven....

What I realized was this: I’ve been understanding this struggle all wrong.

You see, all along, I’ve been uber focused and depressed over the things I simply cannot control. Instead of living up to my responsibility to the things I can control. After all, that’s what depression is, an overwhelmingly hopeless feeling we have over the things that happen in our life that are far beyond our control.

Here’s the bottom line: I’m never going to like not being in control. Thankfully, God knows this about me and He has empowered me to take control over certain aspects of my life. The problem is knowing what is ours and what isn’t. Seeking wisdom and counsel has helped me discern in this process.

Examples of things I myself can control:

• Whether or not I choose to spend time in God’s word and in prayer. God doesn’t force me to do this, and He doesn’t force Himself on me. It’s up to me whether I let Him in and acknowledge Him in my daily life.
• What I choose to think about and what I turn my mind from. Do I focus and obsess over positive or negative things?
• What I do to take care of my body such as eating right and exercising. There’s this saying that food is the most abused anxiety drug and exercise is the most underused antidepressant.
• Whether or not I choose to notice the good things and be grateful or focus on the bad things and grumble. It is so true that a thankful heart is a happy heart! Find a way to express your gratitude for the good things in life.
• Do I retreat and seclude myself from others or do I engage with my family and friends and allow their joy to fill me up? As an introvert, I tend to want to be alone with a struggle, but the times when I allow myself to be around other people who care about me, it's done wonders for a crappy mood.

These simple things have the power to change my whole entire life for the better! And what’s even better? I have been entrusted control over all of them! I’ve been given freedom in having a choice so it’s up to me whether or not I take responsibility for the things I can control, which in turn, has a dramatic effect on my life spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

Here’s a basic truth for all of us: feeling out of control just breeds anxiety and depression. But trusting God to handle his part and taking responsibility for what He has entrusted to me leads to freedom. Freedom and responsibility go hand in hand.

Making the choice to DO these things has changed my entire outlook and life philosophy. I used to believe God was making me struggle or He was absent from my life. God wasn’t refusing to help me and God wasn’t absent. No, what I realized was that God was there the whole time telling me that He had already given me everything I needed. He was there the whole time patiently waiting for me to realize that I was failing to hold up my end. He had already done His part and was waiting for me to claim the power He had already given me. 2 Timothy 1:7 says, “ for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” The Spirit of God living inside of you and me has given us power! It’s our responsibility to claim that. The GOOD news?? God NEVER leaves us on our own to handle it. He just knows what He’s put inside of us and the potential we have. He’s right there pulling it out of the depths of my heart:  

And the BEST news?? Through Christ, we can do all things (Philippians 4:13) and in Jesus, we are MORE than conquerors!!! (Romans 8:37)

Thank you Jesus! Give me the grace I need to surrender and experience freedom, and the courage and self-control to take responsibility for what you’ve entrusted to me. Amen!!!

Have questions or comments about my struggle or what you've read here? 

Feel free to contact me! Let's talk about it. 

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1 An afterthought:

Let me clear something up right now, this is not me saying I didn't struggle with depression and I’m not questioning any of you readers who have or are struggling. There was a time when my medicine was needed to help me cope and be able to deal with what I needed to deal with. I'm just thinking out loud that maybe it's time I take over responsibility for both the highs and the lows of life. After all, with great responsibility comes great freedom. And to me, the trade off is more than worth it.