let our life be the proof of Your love

Happy 2016, friends and family!!

Forgive me that my New Year blessing is a little late. I hope 2016 has been full of joy and love for all of you. I know it has been the start of a great year for us. I'm so thankful.

2015 ended with us spending quite a bit of time with our family at Buck Saw Lodge. Mitchell and I both agreed that there was no other place we would’ve rather been than with our family who genuinely enjoys being together and loves each other so freely.

Thanksgiving….the 2nd without dad. I don’t imagine it gets any easier, but there is no doubt we have so much to be thankful for. He was in our hearts, and we all remembered him in our own way. Of course, since it was a Sipe family gathering, the food was delicious and in abundance. Just the way Mitchell likes it ;) HA!

A couple weeks later we were home in Breckenridge for “Breath of Heaven” cantata. One of our family’s favorite Christmas traditions. It’s been so special to have Mitchell a part of this for the last 2 years. It was such an honor to sing “Breath of Heaven” and imagine myself as Mary, scared by the incredible calling God placed on her life, and all of the unknowns she must’ve had. It was an incredible weekend and it definitely put us all in the Christmas spirit. :)

This was the first Christmas for all of us at Buck Saw Lodge. None of us thought the BSL couldn’t get any better after the summer we had, but Christmas there was just as amazing! It was a time spent cuddling by the fire, taking walks outside in the snow, eating food, drinking shakes, playing card games, taking selfies, singing around the piano, knitting (Annie), talking, laughing, taking hot tubs, bowling, watching movies and lots of Shark Tank, eating some more, and most importantly, just enjoying being together. I’ll never forget Mitchell said as we crawled into bed late one night, “I just love it here.” It made my heart swell to hear him say that with a huge grin across his face. I agreed with his statement wholeheartedly.

A week or so later and it was time to celebrate all that 2015 was and all that 2016 will be! I love New Years so much because as a natural born planner/dreamer/goal-setter, I love what a new year means…..time to make all kinds of dreams and plans and goals. 1 month in and I’m so proud of the progress we’re making towards some of those dreams we had for 2016. I’ve said so many times that 2015 was, for the most part, a year of survival for us, of just getting by, of trying to keep our head above water. But as I was praying about 2016, I couldn’t help but feel that 2016 was going to be different. It was going to a be a year of preparation. A year of getting ready for what’s to come. What is that exactly? I have no idea, but I do know that God has a plan and it’s already in the works for us. :) I can’t wait to see what the other 11 months of 2016 hold.

It is 100 million percent true that the holiday season for us was full of love, laughter, and family. But I’d be lying if I said that the last few months have been a breeze for Mitchell and I. Far from it. Standing here on the other side of some of the hardest situations and conflicts I’ve had to face, I can say that I’m thankful that God led us out of the thicket and into a place of calm at just the right time. We’ve learned a lot about each other through it all and against all odds, it’s made our marriage so much stronger than I ever imagined possible.

God has used this time to teach me so much about conflict as a Christian, forgiveness, grace, letting go and the healthy need for distance.

If we’ve learned anything it is that everyone in the world needs a little help dealing with life from time to time. With the help of our therapist, we’ve reached the other side of some really hard obstacles. If you’ve been around my blog before, you know that I was a strong advocate for therapy before, but we’re both so grateful for what counseling has done for our marriage, our lives, and our emotional and spiritual growth, we believe in it for everyone and anyone. Nobody is perfect. Nobody is too put together. We all need help. (Click here for more of my thoughts on therapy)

In hindsight, standing on a foundation that is much more solid, looking back over the wreckage, the last few months serve as a piercing reminder to myself as much as anyone else on forgiveness. The grace God gives me for the mistakes I make on a daily basis and the way I fail Him serves as a model for me to follow when others hurt me and prove themselves to be just as imperfect as I am. It’s a sobering reminder, but a reminder we all need nonetheless.

But just because forgiveness is right and good, doesn’t mean it’s easy. God never said it would be. In fact, I’ve never been able to forgive someone without His help. Because the truth of the matter is, there has never been a time in my life where I have been more hurt by someone else’s words and actions. There has also never been a time in my life where I’ve been someone so unlike myself, that I too was saying and doing things I knew were hurting others.

It’s a vicious cycle, isn’t it?

When we’re hurt, we want to hurt them back even worse. When we’re offended, we want to offend even more. When we’re cut, we want to cut deeper.

Not only is this cycle vicious; it’s toxic.

So toxic and so intoxicating, that it’s hard to find your way out once you’ve entangled yourself in it’s web. I’m thankful to God for sending me a man who has a way of leading me out of the darkness, into the way of life. He protects me, he fights for me, and he reminds me that in situations like this, with people who have it in their hearts to hurt like this, sometimes the best thing to do is to just walk away. 

I’ll never forget one night I was at my worst. Feeling so incredibly small, helpless, hated, worthless, unlovable, and angry. My sweet mama and husband were sitting with me listening to me blubber through tears, “what more can I do?” After putting so much of my heart out there, and trying and trying to be a good person and do what I believed in my heart to be right, it still wasn’t enough. The painfully true, and long overdue reality check came from my older brother when he reminded me that sometimes, for some people, my best, no matter how much it takes out of me, it will never ever, ever be enough. 

That’s when they all were able to remind me that being a Christian doesn’t mean being everyone’s doormat. Loving and kind people are allowed to distance themselves from toxic situations and toxic people, especially when those situations and those people bring out the very non-Christian side of me, which unfortunately, was incredibly true in this case. Hate breeds hate. Eventually, someone has to stop adding fuel to the fire and just let the flames turn to embers over time. So, as painful as it was to face this reality, that’s what we had to do. And no, we don’t feel guilty for it.

Guard your heart from those who seek to destroy all that is good in it.

God spoke very clearly to me at this time and told me that the spirit He had placed inside of me and the spirit he had placed inside of Mitchell needed to be protected. I had no idea how to even begin protecting it and repairing the damage that had been done to my heart, to my life, to my husband’s heart, my husband’s life, to our marriage, the marriage that was still so new and in need of nurturing.

It makes me so sad that there are evil forces in this world that seek to destroy the good we fight so hard to find and keep alive. I’m commanded to give grace. I’m commanded to forgive. I’m commanded to turn my cheek and not retaliate in anger. Does it mean I should allow my heart to continually be raked against the hottest coals of my life? No. Because it wasn’t doing anyone any good at all. The truth was, it was killing me. It was killing my relationships. It was killing my marriage. It was killing the spirit God had given me to have an open and loving heart. At a certain point, I realized it was time to stop letting others try and steal that away from me. That was not their right. I didn’t need to be giving them so much power to determine whether or not I was going to have a good or bad day. They didn’t define who I was and who I am. God does.

But with so much pain, and so much hurt. Was the damage beyond repair?

In a place of such utter hopelessness, God met us in the darkest place and showed us there was a way out. All we had to do was hold onto the vows we made to each other, no matter who or what tried to tear them apart, and take each step together. God is showing us the way to restoration and forgiveness. 2016 feels like a new year for us. In many ways, we’re learning what the first few months of marriage should have typically been like, but nothing about our marriage thus far has been what I would describe as “typical”. I’ve experienced more high mountaintops and lower and low valley experiences these last 8 months than I ever thought possible, but I’m now more convinced than ever that God knew exactly what He was doing when He placed Mitchell and I together. 

Against the toughest of odds, against some of the most vicious and downright hateful things we’ve endured, our marriage is stronger than ever. Despite even the most ruthless attempts to convince us to throw in the towel and give up, we persevered. God held us together. And that is all thanks and praise to Jesus. If it were just the two of us in this, this marriage would’ve ended the week we got back from our honeymoon, but we were very intentional on our wedding day that this wouldn’t be a marriage of 2, no, we desired a marriage of 3. Jesus at the center of it all.

It’s a lesson I’ll probably never stop learning….that my worth and acceptance isn’t based on how others see, perceive, or think they know me. My identity is in Christ. Period. Others can try and define me in other ways and they can see me however they want, but as long as I’m doing all that I can to shine the light of Jesus, that’s all that He has ever asked of me, and that’s all I can expect out of myself. Can I expect to be liked by absolutely everyone? Unfortunately not. Can I expect to be accepted by absolutely everyone? Unfortunately no. Can I expect to be understood and known by absolutely everyone? No! But Jesus….yes Jesus promises to LOVE me, to ACCEPT me, and He KNOWS me and UNDERSTANDS me. And that, for maybe the first time in all my life, is okay with me. I’m at peace, because love, acceptance, and being known by Jesus is MORE than enough for me. :)

I’m not saying we get that right all of the time. Are we perfect? Heavens no. But it is the deepest desire of our hearts to have a marriage, to have a family, to have a life that pleases God and points others to Jesus. My prayer every night is this……”let our life be the proof of Your love.”

All of our hopes and dreams for 2016 are rooted in this desire. We’ve made it a point to say “no” to the things that don’t breathe life. And say, “yes” to the things that do. God is continuing to amaze us by what He’s already done in our life. He’s sent us friendships that have grown into some of the most God-honoring friendships we’ve ever experienced. We’ve been given new opportunities, new adventures that are teaching us all about faith and trust. We’re beginning to look ahead with a lot more joy and a little less fear. 2016 has been good to us so far. I pray that it’s been good to you, too!

God is mending mine and Mitchell’s hearts. I know He’ll restore us. I believe we will be more than fine. I can’t wait to share more of our journey with you all here. 2016 is going to be a good one, I believe that for us, and I believe that for you. :)

Until next time,

Emily

My Favorite Antidepressant

It's been a hard couple of days. Re-living the week we experienced a year ago has been painful. It has brought up so many memories. Memories of our time in the hospital, but also memories of dad. It's all a part of the healing process of moving forward, but it doesn't mean it's always pleasant. In fact, it's quite ugly at times. 

Like today.

Today was the second day this week where I couldn't get out of bed. There wasn't anything wrong with my legs, rather, I couldn't find any motivation to get out of bed. The weight of it all was just too much at times. The pain of the memories can be crushing. It just seemed easier to stay in bed with the covers over my head, only to come out when I felt like watching some thoughtless show on Netflix. No, these haven't been my finest or most graceful moments. 

But you know what? I'm okay with that. It means I'm human. I'm not handling this perfectly; there's no perfect way to handle this. I'm taking each day as it comes and these past few days have been harder than others that's for sure.

Now for the silver lining.

I'm beyond amazed and thankful for the way God made us as human-beings. Because on days like today, when my depression and grief feel too heavy to bear and I can't imagine feeling any better, I remember that God made me in such a way that I have the power to do something to make myself feel better.

So, I decided to exercise. 

Yes, this may seem a little too practical for the subject matter I'm applying it to, but hear me out! I'm not the only one in the world to experience the power we've been given to completely lift our moods and make ourselves feel worthwhile again just by moving our bodies and releasing those "feel good" hormones. Trust me, after the days I've been having, I need a lot of the "feel good" ones to counter-act the "life is hopeless" and sad ones.

My workout isn't magic. It didn't take away the pain of the situation. Not even a little bit. But, it gave me a more clear, more invigorated mind. And that is just what I need these days.

My husband Mitchell always tells me, "you'll never regret it once you're done." He is right. I never regret working out once I've done it. I always regret the workouts I don't do. These days, I workout to feel better. And it's really helping on those days when I feel like I can't even get out of bed. If I can get myself to start, I can almost always push myself to finish. 

I'm so thankful God gave us this gift. The power to fight off the depression we all feel from time to time with something as simple as a workout. Don't underestimate the power it has. I've seen it!


TIP: Find a fit friend. My friend Mary has been my fitness/health inspiration and encourages me to press on. 


Those are my thoughts today. I'm thankful for exercise. It may seem like too practical of a thing to be thankful for.....but I don't think there's anything that is too practical that we shouldn't be thankful for it.

Today, I'm grateful that one of the most powerful and under-used antidepressants is inside of me, and I have the power to unlock it any time I need it. That's a pretty cool gift! 

Standing on WHAT promises?

My thoughts for today aren't long. This post will be short, but these words were placed on my heart and as a writer, I have to write about it!

As I was reading in God's Word today, I parked on a verse in Hebrews.

"Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise."- Hebrews 10:23

I don't know about you, but I've been doing a lot of holding tightly to hope. The hope of heaven, the hope of seeing my dad again, the hope of every bad thing in this world being made right, and living forever with Jesus. That's the hope I'm holding onto. 

But.......if you're like me and grew up hearing the phrase, "God is faithful. God will keep his promises" I always just accepted that as truth. 

I didn't question it. 

But maybe I should've.....

I believe that what the Bible says can be trusted. However, it wasn't until I sat on this verse that I began to ask the question, "WHAT exactly has God promised me?" After all, how can be really believe in God's promise if we aren't even sure what it is? My Type A personality needs to know what it is I'm believing. 

It's BEYOND crucial to understand just what it is that God promises to those who love Him and believe in Him. The pages of scripture are full of His promises to us, so this isn't an exhaustive list, but it blessed my heart so much today when I sat down and actually made a list of all of the things I know God has promised me. 

God promises:

To love me

To provide for me

To comfort me

To heal me

To protect me

To defend me

To guide me

To forgive me

To strengthen me

To save me

To shine through me

To save me

To hear me

To see me

To come through for me

To always be with me

He has promised these things to you, friend. The only question is, have you decided to believe Him? My hope and prayer is that you have. I'm praying that whoever is reading this post right now will choose to believe that God promises these things to us and that He WILL make good on His promises. After all is said and done, I'd rather live my life believing in these things, than live a life not believing in the God of all hope. Because without hope, what else is there really? Without God, there is nothing. 

There is a God out there who promises to love you, provide for you, comfort you, heal you, protect you, defend you, guide you, forgive you, strengthen you, shine through you, save you, hear you, see you, come through for you, and to always be with you. And He WILL make good on His promises to you and to me. You and I can trust Him.

With joy,

Emily

Moving Forward is Good

As a part of my normal nightly routine, I went back to our bedroom where it is quite, plugged in my new diffuser (loving it!) and grabbed my journal, Bible, and began to read through one of my devotions. I can always count on these 10 minute writings to speak some sort of truth into my life and heart, and it always promotes a sense of calm in me when I'm leaning over the pages of God's word. However, the truth that was given to me tonight not only spoke to my heart, it pierced my heart in the best way possible and resounded into a very deep place. I practically shouted for joy and praise when I had this realization of just how present and protective our God is. 

The teaching was about hurrying, you know the hot topic these days of being "too busy" and trying to not rush through life. Don't get me wrong, it's a very valid point and it's a very important lesson for all of us to learn. But I've read so many teachings and blog posts and books on this subject of trying to find perspective in the craziness of life.

More than I care to admit, life causes me to ask these sorts of questions and have these sort of thoughts: "What step should I take next? Where am I going in life? What was I created to do? What was the point of all that painful stuff I went through in my past? I'm so ashamed that I did that. I'm so embarrassed that that happened to me."

Now can you see where my potential for anxiety comes from? My "need to know" obsession with what the future holds for me, as well as pain, regret, shame, and discontent with what has happened to me in the past, yes these are things I think about from time to time.  But I have a feeling I'm not the only one (Please tell me I'm not alone in this!)

It's true that I'm in a season of life where God has intentionally and radically slowed me down. After graduation, after the wedding, I jumped full force into married life, working a job in RETAIL (I love shopping retail, I now know I don't enjoy working it) and still had many unresolved issues of grief, depression, trauma, and anxiety to deal with. For those of you that have already heard that story, you know its a long one. Rather than get into it all again, check out my post My Own Understanding here to get yourself caught up on that part of my journey.

Where was I? Oh, right. In the season where I was slowed down. In many ways it was beautiful. I had so much time to refocus and heal emotionally, I was able to really grow closer to Mitchell, and I was able to really spend a lot more time studying God's Word and growing more and more in my faith and relationship with Him. Such a blessing in that regard! I love what I was able to experience because of Jesus in this time. I took some time off working and just really started taking care of myself and of my new husband. :) What felt like full days to me at the time, were free of one thing......hurry. They were free of hurry. Finally, I had a time in my life where I didn't feel rushed to get into the next thing and I didn't feel like I needed to quick figure anything out. God really taught me the importance of just being. 

It was a time I will be forever grateful for. But as I'm sitting here, looking back, ready to head into a new season, one where I dip my toes in other things to fill my time, I started serving on Sunday mornings in Cross Point Kids Ministry. Those kiddos give my heart so much joy!! I also volunteer with the CP staff two days a week. I can't even begin to describe how happy I am to be back in that environment, being a part of a ministry and a church community that I love. I'm so thankful God had this opportunity to volunteer and serve for me. That's what I'm currently doing now. So you can about guess what I'm about to ask....."what's next?"

I don't think it's all bad to look forward to the future. I don't. It's when we RUSH into the future guns blazing and blow right past the pace that God is leading us, that's when we get into trouble. Case and point- what happened to me at the beginning of the summer. I rushed into what I thought I needed to do and it turned out, it wasn't God's best for me. Lesson learned the hard way.

What I've learned is that moving forward is good. It's scary, but it's necessary.

Looking back is good, too. Looking back is the only way I'm able to trust my unknown future to a known God. I see time and time again where He has proven Himself loving and faithful to me and to others in my life. If I didn't take the time to notice God's faithfulness in my past, it makes trusting Him with my future a lot harder. Additionally, I don't think it's bad to look back and to reflect and remember our past. When we get stuck in regret and shame from the past, that's a different story, but once we're healed from the pain of our past, it's okay to look back and remember the lessons it taught us and reflect on the memories we have.

So here I stand, 22 years old, freshly graduated, newly married, feeling stronger, ready to move forward. I have been dipping my toes in the water, taking baby half steps towards the future God has for me. Ever so gently, I feel God nudging me along, increasing the pace at which I'm moving. At the beginning of the summer, it was slow, like "get out of bed before 2pm and you're winning" slow. But then it started moving to where I was able to get out of the house, volunteer, serve, meet up with old friends, and eventually, be brave enough to meet new people, step into new situations. I was moving forward without even really realizing I was doing it. 

As I was sitting here reading my devotional for the night, I started reflecting and thinking about all of this, and what it really means to me as a follower of Christ. A verse from Isaiah was highlighted, and this is what I was talking about when I said it pierced me. It pierced me so deeply, it motivated me to devote an entire blog post to it. Simply journaling about it wasn't enough.

It says in Isaiah 52:12 "You will not leave in a hurry, running for your lives. For the LORD will go ahead of you; yes, the God of Israel will protect you from behind." 

God goes ahead of me. He is the one leading me, yes, but time and time again, I think I see where He's leading me, and I think "oh, yeah. I know the way now, I know where I'm going" and I rush way ahead and go go go as fast as I can to try and get to where I think I'm supposed to go. Once I think I know the way, I go for it with abandon. Tonight, this verse spoke convicting truth to my heart: not only does God go before me to show me the way; God goes before me to set the pace. God sets the RIGHT pace of my life. His pace isn't going to be so fast that I become drained. He establishes a pace of life that is going to be best for me. I can set the pace just fine for myself, but like it usually is with running, I usually start out too fast and end up going a pace I can't sustain for very long. I get burned out. That's not how God's pace setting works. He knows what I can and cannot handle. I'm perfectly fine letting Him set the pace for my life because I've seen life at my own pace and it was a hurried and exhausted mess. 

The verse also says that God follows behind me. Yes, God is so powerful and so beyond our understanding, and He can actually be in more than 1 place at 1 time. He can go ahead and also be there to protect me from behind. (Wait, how cool is that?!) With God following behind me, that means that nothing from my past is able to sneak up on me. Not if I'm trusting God to be my protection. I'm still able to look back and see the lessons, I can still see the memories. God is there behind me to make sure I don't get stuck in one place. He is there to encourage and guide me along and He keeps me moving forward.

What encouraging truth!! God promises to go before me, to blaze the trail, and set the pace, but he also follows behind me to make sure I don't get preoccupied in the past and keeps my feet moving forward AT HIS PACE. Wow. This lesson could not have come at a better time in my life. As I stand here, I'm on the brink of something new....I can feel it. 

I'm stronger than I was.

I'm ready for what God has planned for me. 

I'm ready for what's next. 

I'm finally moving forward.

I'm so grateful that I get to share my journey with you, friends. Thank you for following along. 

With so much gratitude for what's behind and abundant joy for what's ahead, 

Emily 

I Believe in Therapy

Yes, I believe wholeheartedly in therapy. I firmly believe that God has worked through sessions to speak truth and breathe life back into my life. 

Does that make me weak? I certainly don't think so. Does that mean that I'm dramatic? I don't think so. Does therapy make me less of a person than those who choose not to attend therapy? No, I really don't believe that it does. Does that make me a BAD Christian to go to someone else for therapy? I don't think so, because I believe God uses therapy all of the time to heal and restore and bring hope to MILLIONS of people who choose to attend therapy.

Science has proven time and time again how effective and helpful it can be to see a therapist for trauma, grief, relationship struggles, life coaching, and general encouragement. As someone very wise once said, "there's no one in the world who wouldn't benefit from it." Therapy is a gift I have been blessed to experience. 

I dislike the negative stigma of weakness attached to it. Those who think of themselves as too "put together" for therapy or somehow that they're better people, stronger people because they don't "need to see a therapist" are poorly educated about the scientific benefits of therapy and the ways God has used therapy to change millions and millions of lives for the better.

These are the rantings of someone who has personally witnessed the powerful and amazing benefits of attending trauma and grief therapy. I will continue seeing a therapist until the day I die and I'm going to be a healthier, mentally, emotionally and spiritually stronger me because of it! Therapy isn't just for those who are struggling, but for those who want to improve any area of their life.

And let's be real.....every single one of us has room for improvement, don't we? We're all a dang mess. Every single one of us. We're all a mess, and we all need God. God has used therapy in amazing ways in my life.

You feel as if you may not need it in your life? That's perfectly fine. I'm not saying everyone needs to see a therapist on a regular basis. But I do think it is extremely rude and prideful to think that therapy is beneath you or something that only weak people need and something only "rich people" can afford. Nothing is further from the truth. There are thousands of therapists who make therapy affordable for anyone who needs help.

Bottom line: Science proves therapy to be effective and beneficial. Life is hard and some of us want help. That doesn't make us weak. Perhaps it makes us smart? (notice I didn't say smartER, I simply just said "smart") Smart because we're willing to receive help that is available.....because let's face it, trying to do it all alone and hold it all together is exhausting for every single one of us.

So what? I go to therapy. I love it and it's changing my life. 

{ My Own Understanding } : That Time Proverbs 3:5-6 Hit Me in the Face

The last few months have been incredibly hard. Not only is grief hard -because it is- but figuring out how to move forward, how to put context around losing my dad, how to figure it out and understand it all- it’s been hard. Incredibly hard. In fact, I can’t even put it into words, but those of you who have gone through something similar, perhaps you understand all too well when I say, “it’s hard”.

What some of you know by now is that for the past several months, I’ve been in a very intense form of trauma and grief therapy. It’s been working wonders and I really do feel that God has been working and moving in my life through these therapy sessions.

Losing a loved one is tragic anyway you slice it. Losing a parent sucks. But there was something so horrible in the way that my father passed away. A man so healthy, so full of life, so wonderful, he wasn’t supposed to go so soon. Some of you followed along on our Caring Bridge site and understand maybe a little more about our time spent in the hospital. For the sake of my readers, and for the privacy of my family, I won’t go into details about what happened and what we saw. But trust me when I tell you, it was not pleasant.

There were images and situations that rocked me to my core and those images and situations caused a lot of anxiety in my life- to the point of panic attacks and then, at the beginning of the summer, a brief time spent hospitalized.

DISCLAIMER: Don’t feel bad if you weren’t aware of this. It was my choice not to publicly announce it at the time. In reality, it was a very brief stay so we didn’t inform many people about it. That was my choice and I knew that someday I would want to share my story. At the time, it was a very personal matter and I chose to keep it that way. Please don’t be offended if you didn’t know at the time. I’m choosing to share it with you now. Okay, back to the story…..

After I was hospitalized, they were able to regulate my medication I was on (for depression) and figure out what exactly caused me to have my meltdown. Before I was discharged, I was enrolled in an Intensive Outpatient Program called Clarity for my anxiety, and I also found a personal therapist who works with me one-on-one with my grief and trauma therapy.

Currently, I’ve finished the Clarity program. It was life-giving to say the least! It was a difficult and emotionally exhausting month, but so so so worth it. I’m no longer a slave to my anxiety and panic attacks, and I know better now how to handle the feelings of anxiety when they come. Since I’ve started my EMDR trauma therapy however, the waves of panic and “fight or flight” have become less and less.

That’s what I primarily want to focus on today: what I’ve been learning on my journey through trauma and grief therapy.

In the months I’ve been working with my therapist, we’ve re-processed and worked through the triggers or the traumatic images and situations that caused me to enter into full on anxiety/panic attack mode. In doing so, I can happily say that I have not had a panic episode in a little over 3 months. A HUGE victory considering I was used to having about 1 every single day since losing my dad.

Now, I’d say we’re in the stage of figuring out how to move forward from the loss and actively grieve. Before, I wasn’t able to do that because the memories and images were fragmented in my mind and they caused too much panic. They needed to be reprocessed before I could revisit them and grieve safely. But now, my sessions have been consisting of me wrestling with big, deep questions- trying to make sense of it all.

Those of you that know me know that I can’t stand it when I don’t understand something. I can’t move on unless I feel like I understand it or can attach some sort of meaning to it. The loss of my father has been something I haven’t been able to understand, and that’s been hard for me to come to terms with. I couldn’t just accept the fact that you live and then you die. Where does my faith in heaven come in? At this point in my life, I didn’t understand everything about my faith. If I can’t understand it, how will I ever be able to move forward? That’s been the question I’m currently wrestling with, and it feels like I’m just going in circles.

I always leave my therapists office feeling a little bit better than when I walked in, but for some reason, yesterday, I left feeling a little discouraged. I left with this uneasy feeling that I’ll never be able to understand what happened, and that was unsettling to my Type A personality. I had come to the realization that my mind wasn’t going to be able to give me an answer to the why question and that I wasn’t going to be able to “figure it out” or understand it completely. I was looking to myself for answers but was coming up blank. I needed to go somewhere else to find answers. But where?

If I’m being honest, I felt overwhelmingly guilty that I hadn’t thought of this sooner. After all, I love God and I absolutely love spending time in His word and spending time in prayer. I consider myself a Christian, a follower of Jesus. I trust Him and do my best to do what His word says. I believe in His death and resurrection on the cross. I believe that He conquered death. I believe in Heaven and eternal life. He is real to me. So then WHY was I so completely blind to what He was trying to tell me through all of my months of struggling?

“Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and do not depend on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5

“Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.” Proverbs 3:6

There it was. The solution to my questions!! The why behind my inability to understand and make sense of it. The reality of my limited human abilities. My desperate need to trust God. It came to me when I was reading my daily devotions. It was taking me through Genesis 3- you know the story- Eve was tempted into eating the fruit and sin enters the world. I parked on verse 6 and something about this particular verse struck a chord in me.

“She saw that the tree was beautiful and it’s fruit would be delicious and she wanted the wisdom it would give her.” (Gen 3:6)

Right there, I saw how similar I am to Eve. Like her in the garden, I wanted the wisdom of God. I wanted to be able to understand ALL of God’s plan. I wanted to understand more than what God made me to understand. I was discontent with the way God crafted my brain’s ability to comprehend and make sense of life’s circumstances.

I ask “Why did this happen?”

God tells me “Trust me. My ways are better than your ways.”

I ask “How do I move on? How do I survive?”

God tells me “Trust me. I love you and I will show you.”

I ask “What does this mean?”

God tells me “Trust me first. It’ll make sense later.”

I wanted so badly to understand why my dad had to die and how I was supposed to make sense of it. I wanted the knowledge that only God has. I was being like Eve. The truth of the matter is, if God gave me all of the answers and all of the knowledge I was demanding, where would my need for faith and trust in Him come in? Faith means NOT having all of the answers but trusting God to take care of my life.

It took some time of humbling myself when I realized that the only thing I’m supposed to do through this is to TRUST GOD with ALL of my heart. The Bible says it clearly, I’m not supposed to depend on my own understanding. It’s pointless to do so because it leads me in circles.

Trust God. That’s it. And HE will SHOW me how to move forward. He will SHOW me which path to take. HE’S GOT THIS. Because God is God, and I am not.

Father, forgive me for the ways I’ve been leaning and depending on my own understanding about life, my pain, my loss, my purpose. Forgive me for not trusting you with my whole heart. Help me to have a faith that doesn’t need all of the answers but that trusts wholeheartedly in the hope you give. In the Holy name of Jesus, Amen.

No Strings Attached: What God is Teaching Me About Love & Forgiveness

I firmly believe with all of my heart that the biggest thing that breaks God’s heart, and the number one problem in the world today, is this: we’ve allowed hate to become bigger than love. 

We allow our hate for someone/something to overshadow our love for the people we love, and the love of Jesus that we are supposed to be giving out freely like candy at a parade. We hang on to hate, gotten distracted from the greatest commandment ever given and we’ve allowed resentment to take it’s place in our hearts. And that….makes me sad. 

Jesus says in the book of John "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. (John 13:34) There right there. That’s the whole point of this life. To love one another as Jesus himself loves us. How does Jesus love? Unconditionally. Jesus loves us. Jesus forgives us (and, yes, we are all in need of this grace and mercy on a daily basis!) Jesus dishes out grace to us time and time again, even when we don’t deserve it. 

That is how we’ve been called to love one another. And not to those who are “easy” to love. No, Jesus’ call to love one another is far from easy. In fact, He calls us to love our enemies! “But I tell you, love your enemies” (Matthew 5:44) It’s a hard task. Impossible even. Yes, to love like this is impossible for us to do on our own. That’s why we so desperately need Jesus to help us love others the way He has commanded us to. Even when we don’t feel like it. Even when they’ve hurt us time and time again, we love them. Even when it goes against every fiber of our being. Because you know what? That’s how Jesus loves us.

Jesus doesn’t put conditions on his love for us. Jesus doesn’t love me any less when I behave poorly or make mistakes. What does he do instead? He forgives me! He loves me and He forgives me time and time again. Do I deserve that kind of grace and love? No! Do ANY of us? Absolutely not.

To truly love someone doesn’t mean you have to agree with, or condone everything they do. You don’t have to excuse away how they’ve hurt you or messed up. It does mean offering forgiveness and letting go of grudges and resentment. That is what the Bible teaches about forgiveness. And what’s more, there isn’t a limit on how many times we’re commanded to do this. Think about it: Jesus doesn’t put a limit on how many servings of forgiveness and grace He gives us. If He did, we would all be in some SERIOUS trouble. Jesus commands us to love like He loved. That includes forgiving like He forgives. Again, this is not something we’re able to accomplish in our own strength. We desperately need God to empower us to do this.


“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.(Matthew 18:21-22).


Jesus spells it out very clearly that there should be no limit. I’m not saying this is easy. It’s hard as hell. Especially when the person in need of our forgiveness in no way deserves it or worse, doesn’t even want it, or worse yet, doesn’t even realize they’ve done anything wrong! But that is beside the point. We can only control our own selves and what we allow to reside within our hearts. When hate becomes greater than love, that is our own sin and it’s poison. It’s like that old quote “bitterness is like drinking poison yourself and expecting the other person to die.” Ultimately, int only hurts ourselves.

So, what’s the good news? The good news is that Jesus has opened himself up to us and is willing to help us with this humanly impossible task! He is willing and able to help us overcome hate, bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness. I don't know about you, but this is extremely good news for me! I know I could use the help. :)

Ultimately, our commitment to living out God's commandment to love and forgive needs to be greater than the hate. It's a simple concept to understand, yet it's hard to live out. Again, the good news is, we don't have to do it alone. Jesus is willing and able to forgive and love through us.

The only question is, are we willing to free ourselves and let Jesus love in and through us?

It's a daily choice I have to make. Will I allow myself to let go of the bitterness and unforgiveness the world tells me I have a right to hold onto, and actively choose to love instead? Lord Jesus, help me choose love.