I Believe in Therapy

Yes, I believe wholeheartedly in therapy. I firmly believe that God has worked through sessions to speak truth and breathe life back into my life. 

Does that make me weak? I certainly don't think so. Does that mean that I'm dramatic? I don't think so. Does therapy make me less of a person than those who choose not to attend therapy? No, I really don't believe that it does. Does that make me a BAD Christian to go to someone else for therapy? I don't think so, because I believe God uses therapy all of the time to heal and restore and bring hope to MILLIONS of people who choose to attend therapy.

Science has proven time and time again how effective and helpful it can be to see a therapist for trauma, grief, relationship struggles, life coaching, and general encouragement. As someone very wise once said, "there's no one in the world who wouldn't benefit from it." Therapy is a gift I have been blessed to experience. 

I dislike the negative stigma of weakness attached to it. Those who think of themselves as too "put together" for therapy or somehow that they're better people, stronger people because they don't "need to see a therapist" are poorly educated about the scientific benefits of therapy and the ways God has used therapy to change millions and millions of lives for the better.

These are the rantings of someone who has personally witnessed the powerful and amazing benefits of attending trauma and grief therapy. I will continue seeing a therapist until the day I die and I'm going to be a healthier, mentally, emotionally and spiritually stronger me because of it! Therapy isn't just for those who are struggling, but for those who want to improve any area of their life.

And let's be real.....every single one of us has room for improvement, don't we? We're all a dang mess. Every single one of us. We're all a mess, and we all need God. God has used therapy in amazing ways in my life.

You feel as if you may not need it in your life? That's perfectly fine. I'm not saying everyone needs to see a therapist on a regular basis. But I do think it is extremely rude and prideful to think that therapy is beneath you or something that only weak people need and something only "rich people" can afford. Nothing is further from the truth. There are thousands of therapists who make therapy affordable for anyone who needs help.

Bottom line: Science proves therapy to be effective and beneficial. Life is hard and some of us want help. That doesn't make us weak. Perhaps it makes us smart? (notice I didn't say smartER, I simply just said "smart") Smart because we're willing to receive help that is available.....because let's face it, trying to do it all alone and hold it all together is exhausting for every single one of us.

So what? I go to therapy. I love it and it's changing my life. 

{ My Own Understanding } : That Time Proverbs 3:5-6 Hit Me in the Face

The last few months have been incredibly hard. Not only is grief hard -because it is- but figuring out how to move forward, how to put context around losing my dad, how to figure it out and understand it all- it’s been hard. Incredibly hard. In fact, I can’t even put it into words, but those of you who have gone through something similar, perhaps you understand all too well when I say, “it’s hard”.

What some of you know by now is that for the past several months, I’ve been in a very intense form of trauma and grief therapy. It’s been working wonders and I really do feel that God has been working and moving in my life through these therapy sessions.

Losing a loved one is tragic anyway you slice it. Losing a parent sucks. But there was something so horrible in the way that my father passed away. A man so healthy, so full of life, so wonderful, he wasn’t supposed to go so soon. Some of you followed along on our Caring Bridge site and understand maybe a little more about our time spent in the hospital. For the sake of my readers, and for the privacy of my family, I won’t go into details about what happened and what we saw. But trust me when I tell you, it was not pleasant.

There were images and situations that rocked me to my core and those images and situations caused a lot of anxiety in my life- to the point of panic attacks and then, at the beginning of the summer, a brief time spent hospitalized.

DISCLAIMER: Don’t feel bad if you weren’t aware of this. It was my choice not to publicly announce it at the time. In reality, it was a very brief stay so we didn’t inform many people about it. That was my choice and I knew that someday I would want to share my story. At the time, it was a very personal matter and I chose to keep it that way. Please don’t be offended if you didn’t know at the time. I’m choosing to share it with you now. Okay, back to the story…..

After I was hospitalized, they were able to regulate my medication I was on (for depression) and figure out what exactly caused me to have my meltdown. Before I was discharged, I was enrolled in an Intensive Outpatient Program called Clarity for my anxiety, and I also found a personal therapist who works with me one-on-one with my grief and trauma therapy.

Currently, I’ve finished the Clarity program. It was life-giving to say the least! It was a difficult and emotionally exhausting month, but so so so worth it. I’m no longer a slave to my anxiety and panic attacks, and I know better now how to handle the feelings of anxiety when they come. Since I’ve started my EMDR trauma therapy however, the waves of panic and “fight or flight” have become less and less.

That’s what I primarily want to focus on today: what I’ve been learning on my journey through trauma and grief therapy.

In the months I’ve been working with my therapist, we’ve re-processed and worked through the triggers or the traumatic images and situations that caused me to enter into full on anxiety/panic attack mode. In doing so, I can happily say that I have not had a panic episode in a little over 3 months. A HUGE victory considering I was used to having about 1 every single day since losing my dad.

Now, I’d say we’re in the stage of figuring out how to move forward from the loss and actively grieve. Before, I wasn’t able to do that because the memories and images were fragmented in my mind and they caused too much panic. They needed to be reprocessed before I could revisit them and grieve safely. But now, my sessions have been consisting of me wrestling with big, deep questions- trying to make sense of it all.

Those of you that know me know that I can’t stand it when I don’t understand something. I can’t move on unless I feel like I understand it or can attach some sort of meaning to it. The loss of my father has been something I haven’t been able to understand, and that’s been hard for me to come to terms with. I couldn’t just accept the fact that you live and then you die. Where does my faith in heaven come in? At this point in my life, I didn’t understand everything about my faith. If I can’t understand it, how will I ever be able to move forward? That’s been the question I’m currently wrestling with, and it feels like I’m just going in circles.

I always leave my therapists office feeling a little bit better than when I walked in, but for some reason, yesterday, I left feeling a little discouraged. I left with this uneasy feeling that I’ll never be able to understand what happened, and that was unsettling to my Type A personality. I had come to the realization that my mind wasn’t going to be able to give me an answer to the why question and that I wasn’t going to be able to “figure it out” or understand it completely. I was looking to myself for answers but was coming up blank. I needed to go somewhere else to find answers. But where?

If I’m being honest, I felt overwhelmingly guilty that I hadn’t thought of this sooner. After all, I love God and I absolutely love spending time in His word and spending time in prayer. I consider myself a Christian, a follower of Jesus. I trust Him and do my best to do what His word says. I believe in His death and resurrection on the cross. I believe that He conquered death. I believe in Heaven and eternal life. He is real to me. So then WHY was I so completely blind to what He was trying to tell me through all of my months of struggling?

“Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and do not depend on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5

“Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.” Proverbs 3:6

There it was. The solution to my questions!! The why behind my inability to understand and make sense of it. The reality of my limited human abilities. My desperate need to trust God. It came to me when I was reading my daily devotions. It was taking me through Genesis 3- you know the story- Eve was tempted into eating the fruit and sin enters the world. I parked on verse 6 and something about this particular verse struck a chord in me.

“She saw that the tree was beautiful and it’s fruit would be delicious and she wanted the wisdom it would give her.” (Gen 3:6)

Right there, I saw how similar I am to Eve. Like her in the garden, I wanted the wisdom of God. I wanted to be able to understand ALL of God’s plan. I wanted to understand more than what God made me to understand. I was discontent with the way God crafted my brain’s ability to comprehend and make sense of life’s circumstances.

I ask “Why did this happen?”

God tells me “Trust me. My ways are better than your ways.”

I ask “How do I move on? How do I survive?”

God tells me “Trust me. I love you and I will show you.”

I ask “What does this mean?”

God tells me “Trust me first. It’ll make sense later.”

I wanted so badly to understand why my dad had to die and how I was supposed to make sense of it. I wanted the knowledge that only God has. I was being like Eve. The truth of the matter is, if God gave me all of the answers and all of the knowledge I was demanding, where would my need for faith and trust in Him come in? Faith means NOT having all of the answers but trusting God to take care of my life.

It took some time of humbling myself when I realized that the only thing I’m supposed to do through this is to TRUST GOD with ALL of my heart. The Bible says it clearly, I’m not supposed to depend on my own understanding. It’s pointless to do so because it leads me in circles.

Trust God. That’s it. And HE will SHOW me how to move forward. He will SHOW me which path to take. HE’S GOT THIS. Because God is God, and I am not.

Father, forgive me for the ways I’ve been leaning and depending on my own understanding about life, my pain, my loss, my purpose. Forgive me for not trusting you with my whole heart. Help me to have a faith that doesn’t need all of the answers but that trusts wholeheartedly in the hope you give. In the Holy name of Jesus, Amen.

No Strings Attached: What God is Teaching Me About Love & Forgiveness

I firmly believe with all of my heart that the biggest thing that breaks God’s heart, and the number one problem in the world today, is this: we’ve allowed hate to become bigger than love. 

We allow our hate for someone/something to overshadow our love for the people we love, and the love of Jesus that we are supposed to be giving out freely like candy at a parade. We hang on to hate, gotten distracted from the greatest commandment ever given and we’ve allowed resentment to take it’s place in our hearts. And that….makes me sad. 

Jesus says in the book of John "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. (John 13:34) There right there. That’s the whole point of this life. To love one another as Jesus himself loves us. How does Jesus love? Unconditionally. Jesus loves us. Jesus forgives us (and, yes, we are all in need of this grace and mercy on a daily basis!) Jesus dishes out grace to us time and time again, even when we don’t deserve it. 

That is how we’ve been called to love one another. And not to those who are “easy” to love. No, Jesus’ call to love one another is far from easy. In fact, He calls us to love our enemies! “But I tell you, love your enemies” (Matthew 5:44) It’s a hard task. Impossible even. Yes, to love like this is impossible for us to do on our own. That’s why we so desperately need Jesus to help us love others the way He has commanded us to. Even when we don’t feel like it. Even when they’ve hurt us time and time again, we love them. Even when it goes against every fiber of our being. Because you know what? That’s how Jesus loves us.

Jesus doesn’t put conditions on his love for us. Jesus doesn’t love me any less when I behave poorly or make mistakes. What does he do instead? He forgives me! He loves me and He forgives me time and time again. Do I deserve that kind of grace and love? No! Do ANY of us? Absolutely not.

To truly love someone doesn’t mean you have to agree with, or condone everything they do. You don’t have to excuse away how they’ve hurt you or messed up. It does mean offering forgiveness and letting go of grudges and resentment. That is what the Bible teaches about forgiveness. And what’s more, there isn’t a limit on how many times we’re commanded to do this. Think about it: Jesus doesn’t put a limit on how many servings of forgiveness and grace He gives us. If He did, we would all be in some SERIOUS trouble. Jesus commands us to love like He loved. That includes forgiving like He forgives. Again, this is not something we’re able to accomplish in our own strength. We desperately need God to empower us to do this.


“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.(Matthew 18:21-22).


Jesus spells it out very clearly that there should be no limit. I’m not saying this is easy. It’s hard as hell. Especially when the person in need of our forgiveness in no way deserves it or worse, doesn’t even want it, or worse yet, doesn’t even realize they’ve done anything wrong! But that is beside the point. We can only control our own selves and what we allow to reside within our hearts. When hate becomes greater than love, that is our own sin and it’s poison. It’s like that old quote “bitterness is like drinking poison yourself and expecting the other person to die.” Ultimately, int only hurts ourselves.

So, what’s the good news? The good news is that Jesus has opened himself up to us and is willing to help us with this humanly impossible task! He is willing and able to help us overcome hate, bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness. I don't know about you, but this is extremely good news for me! I know I could use the help. :)

Ultimately, our commitment to living out God's commandment to love and forgive needs to be greater than the hate. It's a simple concept to understand, yet it's hard to live out. Again, the good news is, we don't have to do it alone. Jesus is willing and able to forgive and love through us.

The only question is, are we willing to free ourselves and let Jesus love in and through us?

It's a daily choice I have to make. Will I allow myself to let go of the bitterness and unforgiveness the world tells me I have a right to hold onto, and actively choose to love instead? Lord Jesus, help me choose love.

Hello from the new Mrs. Steele!

I'm finally sitting down to write my first blog post as Mrs. Steele. I'm a married woman now! I can't even being to tell you how many times I find myself just giddy with excitement. Marriage so far has been treating me very, very well. And that's all because I have the most amazing husband in the entire world.Just tonight, after a long day at work, I came home to my husband who had cooked dinner, set the table, and finished the laundry.  I'm extremely blessed not because of the amazing things that Mitchell does for me (although they are very sweet!) but simply because of who he is. :)

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It's been so long since I've written an update, where did I even leave off the last time? I suppose it was right before Mitchell and I were getting ready to leave Belmont. Oh man. What a bittersweet time that was! On the one hand, I was extremely happy to be leaving college. There were so many exciting things ahead. But I have to admit that there was a piece of me that was feeling nostalgic. After all, that's where we met each other, that's where we fell in love, and that's where all of our best friends still go to school. There's no doubt about it that Belmont blessed both of our lives. Both of our families were able to make it to Nashville for graduation. I'm so glad they were all here. There was one person in particular though, who was missed very much. My dad. Oh man. Just typing that brings tears to my eyes. I remember being backstage, ready to march in with the other graduates and a hall monitor said to us, "isn't this the happiest day of your life?" At that moment, that's not what I was thinking. I wished more than anything that my dad could be there to see me graduate from college. I cried throughout the entire ceremony, but I ran with Randy across that stage and I know how proud my dad was!

That same weekend, we had to move all of our stuff out of Belmont and into our new home in Brentwood. How exciting.....our first home together! We found our place a few months earlier but it all started to become so real once we started moving our own things into this empty apartment. So full of hope and possibilities! Our families helped so much with the moving, the organizing, and the settling in. Box by box we're making this new house into a home. :) One of my favorite things about our new home is the furniture we got from my old house. Mom gave us the living room furniture and it's now in Mitchell and I's living room. I told Mitchell the other day that it feels like a piece of my childhood home is in our home now. It may sound silly or morbid (or maybe both) but our furniture reminds me of my dad. Because there were so many nights I remember sitting with him on that couch watching tv or talking. That's where he would sit late at night and read. Now every time I sit in that couch or see if once I walk through the door, it feels a little bit like the home my parents created for me when I lived with him. And I can't really explain it all that well, but it blesses my heart more than words can say to have that special touch in our new home as a new family just starting out.

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Let's see....so we graduated and started moving, then we stopped moving, flew home to Minnesota and got married! Quite honestly, I don't even know where to begin when trying to document or talk about our wedding weekend. In some ways it was a blur, and absolute blur. But then in other ways, I remember it all so clearly, and thinking about it, I just can't help but cry. It was a weekend full of love. Truly, I have never felt God's love so strongly in my life than I did on our wedding day. I've also never ever felt my dad's presence so strongly since he's been gone than I did that day, and that whole weekend. To have our entire family together was fun in and of itself, but to be together for such an amazing occasion, made it all the more special.

Okay, so let's be real for just one hot second. Since November 1st, planning a wedding changed dramatically. It became an extremely bittersweet thing to do. On one hand, I was excited and so happy to be marrying the man I love so much. But there's this huge pain that comes with it in knowing that my dad wasn't going to be there to walk me down the aisle or dance with me or give me away. NO ONE pictures their wedding day without their dad. I certainly never did, and yet, that was my reality on May 23rd.

Even so, God's grace is greater still. As I was having one of my many meltdowns leading up to the wedding (always started with a freak out and ended in uncontrollable sobs about how much I missed my dad and wanted him to be here), it was the first time I felt as if my daddy was speaking to me. Directly to me. Mitchell and I were driving around running errands and I had gotten really quite and introverted trying to process and calm myself down when I felt my dad say to me, "Emily, tomorrow, you're going to get a taste, just a small taste of where I am right now. You're going to see how amazing heaven is, and you're going to want to come meet me here, not have me come back there. Just wait and see."

Boy, was he right. Our wedding day was a taste of heaven. It really was. I've never been so overwhelmed with God's love for me, with my love for Mitchell, my love for my family, and my love for Jesus. I was in tears most of the day because it's so much more amazing than anyone can ever put into words. I'm so incredibly blessed that God wrote such an amazing chapter in my story, that I get to be a wife, and experience this kind of love and grace on a daily basis with my husband......it just serves as a daily reminder of God's amazing love for me!!! As Tyler was walking me down the aisle, I felt my dad in my heart. As he gave me away, I felt my dad right there with us. As all of the amazing men in my life took turns honoring my dad by dancing with me, I felt him there. Even though I couldn't see him, I could feel him. And the love I felt that day from my dad was so much stronger than the love I felt when he was here on earth. I didn't need any proof of heaven, but if I did, that would've been it. I'm so thankful that God allowed me to experience that and hear my dad in that way.

To everyone who was at our wedding, I hope you were able to feel and experience the love of God in some way, shape, or form. That was our prayer all along. Thank you for all of your well wishes, your love, your prayers, and your support. It really truly was the best day of both of our lives, and it's a day we'll relive forever and ever until we too get to enter heaven's gates as the Bride of Christ. :)

Mitchell surprised me by taking me on a honeymoon to an unknown location! I had no idea where we were going and he was able to keep the surprise for quite a while.....until we actually got to our resort! We spent a week in the beautiful and amazing Riviera Maya, Mexico. It was an absolute dream and we've already vowed to go back at least once. I spent the better part of the week floating in the pool (complete with a Tiki Bar!) with my new husband.......it truly was paradise!

We came home just in time to help mom and Matthew get ready for Matthew's graduation party. I remember waking up one morning and looking into Matthew's bedroom to see him still sound asleep. Immediately I thought, "shouldn't he be at school?!" I guess my mind still hasn't accepted the fact that my little brother has graduated high school! Where did the time go?! In all seriousness though, I've said it once and I'll say it again- I'm so proud of Matthew and the way he has stepped up and taken care of mom. He's really become the man of the house, and I know that dad would be so incredibly proud of him and the man he's becoming. I love my little bro so much, and I know he knows that, because I tell him all of the time (and sometimes he says it back!!!)

All to soon, it was time for Mitchell and I to head back to Nashville and "face reality" as they say. I'll admit that this time leaving home was more emotional than I expected. Maybe it's because we had always known that we'd be home for the wedding and graduation, and now that all of that was over, it felt like we were really setting off on our own. That's exciting, but it's also scary as hell because if we're honest, Mitchell and I have no idea what we're getting ourselves into. We're taking it one day at a time. Thanks be to God that we have amazing family to help us along the way. We packed up in Minnesota and set off for our new life as Mr and Mrs. After two days of driving back to Nashville, we arrived at our new home......

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Since then our life has consisted of unpacking, organizing, decluttering, and lots and lots of runs to Target. :) Like I said earlier, box after box, this place is really feeling like home. Adding some of our own personal touches has helped with the homey feeling. I love coming home to this place and to a husband like Mitchell. Awww.....taking a moment to be blissfully happy about my life..............

Mitchell started working full-time for Rarespark Media Group. He started as an intern there last year and we are very grateful that they asked him to come back full-time. He's doing what he loves and he's great at it. I just love seeing the way his face lights up when he talks about what he gets to do every day! It fires ME up when I see him so fired up! He works with great people and it's an amazing job he has there. Very blessed by that opportunity for sure! I just started this week as a Customer Service Associate at Bath & Body Works. Those that know me well know the irony of this situation.....my bathroom cabinet LOOKS like a Bath & Body Works store. Seriously obsessed. I can't really say much because I've only been there a week, but so far so good. I'm learning as best as I can and I really enjoy being able to share the products I love with customers on a daily basis.

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Quite honestly though, besides being newly married, the thing I'm most excited about is the fact that Mitchell and I worked our way up to Advisor level with AdvoCare. We feel very fortunate to have been able to share with some of you out there about the amazing opportunity we see with this amazing company and the way it has positively impacted our life. AdvoCare is allowing us to build our own business just by sharing what these amazing products have been able to do for us. Plus, the extra income is helping to cover our monthly expenses. Let's face it- my husband works in the entertainment industry, and I work retail. The extra income is definitely going to help us out! I'm so fired up about this opportunity and we are LOVING the way AdvoCare has become a part of our daily routine. Really truly we've never felt healthier and more energized. We are both really, really excited about this.

One of the things AdvoCare has to offer is the 24 Day Challenge. Right now, we are on Day 6 of our Cleanse Phase and we are feeling awesome! :) We're so anxious to see the results on Day 24, but so far so good!

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So.....that's about it for right now. There was just a quick snapshot of life the last few months. Lots of changes and lots of exciting things happening. Day by day, minute by minute, I'm calling on Jesus for strength, guidance, and peace, and every single time He is there for me. This life isn't perfect, this life isn't easy, and this life hurts like a bitch sometimes. But at the beginning of the day, at the end of the day, and in moments in between, I know that God has immeasurably blessed me with the life I have. God has been good to me. 

Until next time, 

Emily Berndt Steele 

PS: Yes, I'll be going by Emily Berndt Steele. I wasn't ready to give up my dad's name. :) 

A God-given Pursuit

The Lord works in such mysterious, amazing ways, doesn't He? What seems completely random to me at times, never is random. There is no one more intentional about His plans and ways of revealing things to me than God Himself. Nothing He does is ever random.

I was reminded of this truth today as I was doing my daily devotions. My mom bought me Jesus Calling so I had gotten into the habit of reading it every day. Today, as I finished up the reading, I decided to flip back to some of the dates that I had missed from earlier in the year. It seemed completely random to me that I would flip to the reading for March 8th- but God knew that I needed to hear the message on this page.....He knew my heart needed these words:

"Save your best striving for seeking My Face. I am constantly communicating with you. To find Me and hear My voice, you must seek Me above all else. Anything that you desire more than Me becomes an idol. When you are determined to get your own way, you blot Me out of your consciousness. Instead of single-mindedly pursuing some goal, talk with Me about it. Let the Light of my Presence shine on this pursuit so that you can see it from My perspective. If the goal fits into My plans for you, I will help you reach it. If it is contrary to My will for you, I will gradually change the desire of your heart. Seek me first and foremost: then the rest of your life will fall into place, piece by piece." 

For those of you just tuning in, I announced on my blog about a week ago that there are some exciting things coming up for Mitchell and I. No, I am not pregnant and yes, we are still planning on getting married, and no we are not moving. There are some exciting dreams God has placed on our hearts and we can't wait to share where God is leading us and the pursuit He has placed on my heart. 

The reason I wanted to share this reading with you all today was because this dream, this goal is so much different from anything else I've ever pursued. It's something I never ever would've considered before. I never thought I could. I never thought I had what it takes. The fact that I'm even going for this full-force is a testament to how God has been working in my heart. On my own, I would be way too afraid and intimidated to try anything like this, but God knows me better than I know myself. He knows the plans He has for me, and He will help me every step of the way. Piece by piece, things are falling into place, just like God promised it would.

 This is such a "God-led" thing- it's unbelievable. Every part of this story has been written and planned by God and I absolutely can't wait to share what we're up to with all of you! Soon- I promise! For now, keep praying as we are making our way into something new and exciting and unknown! I can't wait to see what God is going to do through us! 

BIG, EXCITING THINGS....COMING SOON!!

The message at Cross Point Community Church​ tonight left me feeling inspired and ready to face my fears head on! So many times I ask myself the question, "is God trying to lead me into something?" but often times I just brush it off and say its just another one of my crazy ideas- God could never REALLY use me to do something big. I'm so thankful for my pastor challenging me in my thinking.

Recently I've been feeling inspired to try something NEW and DIFFERENT, but I'm a little nervous about it. In fact, the fear of failing at it or not being good enough, or not "having what it takes" are all thoughts that definitely keep me up at night tossing and turning, doubting myself and my dreams to dive into this new, exciting adventure! Tonight, I decided to take the first step, after some very gentle encouragement from Mitchell​ telling me, "babe, this is exactly what you need to do!" Mr. Skeptic himself even thought it was the right move.

I'm trusting God with all of the "what ifs" that plague my mind with fear, and I'm letting go of my feelings of inadequacy because if God calls you to do something, He'll give you everything you need to do it! I'm SOOO excited to announce what this NEW, EXCITING dream is VERY SOON!

First, I'm going to focus on graduating, moving, and getting married.

Big things, exciting things, coming VERY VERY SOON! Prayers are definitely much appreciated. :)

God Knows Me Better

Sometimes I think I know myself pretty well. Then I remember that the One who created me knows me even better than that. He knows the parts I don't want anyone to know and loves me anyway. The maker of my heart knows my heart. And He knows yours too.

I'm a person who loves to be understood and known. I'm thankful that the one who made me the way I am knows me better than anyone.