#MeToo

I’ve had a heavy heart and misty eyes all week long reading the hundreds of stories on my own newsfeed alone of the #metoo experiences. I admire the bravery of those sharing their stories and their resolve to no longer stay silent.

But as I read, I kept trying to suppress my own urge to speak up and speak out. Speak out against the kind of assault and emotional manipulation I experienced. But yesterday I read a story that profoundly impacted me. Kelsey shares her story on her blog NoSo Living. Kelsey, it was your bravery and courage that has unlocked the power of my own voice. Thank you. It was your story that has convicted me deeply to not be a part of the problem and speak my truth.


For years since my experience, I took shame and placed the blame on myself for “asking for it” and for “allowing it” and “allowing him in” or blaming myself for “not being guarded”.


Not anymore.


Yes, I let him in because he was someone I trusted. Yes, I let down my walls because I thought that’s what people did with those they cared about. He was someone I thought I loved. More importantly, he was someone I desperately wanted to love me in return.


And the worst part?


He knew that. And he used that.


My life had become all about this person. Doing whatever I could to earn their trust and affection. My life consisted of giving all that I had emotionally to give to prove myself worth taking a chance. He claimed being “scared” and said that it was a “trust” issue. That if I could just somehow “show him” that he could trust me, by giving him absolutely everything, maybe then he could “let his heart fall for me”. He was speaking my language. He knew the right things to say.


After years and years of giving all I had to give emotionally just for the hopes of being in a relationship someday with this person, the rollercoaster of emotions and tension inevitably came to a head after years of playing the same game.


I was sober at the time and I was completely capable to give consent and I was completely capable to say “no”, which I did.


Multiple times.


And I know in my heart that he was sober enough to hear and understand. He knew what me pushing him away meant. He knew what me clearing saying, “I don’t want to” meant.


We left our mutual friends house before midnight because he wanted to go back to my room to talk about “us”. Finally, I knew something about our relationship was going to change. But I was so very wrong about what that something would be.


We had hung out in my room multiple times before. Maybe I should have known when he led me over to the bed with obvious lust in his eyes. Me? In that moment I thought I was just so in love that maybe I didn’t see his “obvious” intent.


“Show me you care.”

“Show me how much you want to be with me.”

“I know you love me, don’t you?”


These were the things he said as he tried to get me out of my clothes. I remember trembling and saying that I wasn’t comfortable with how fast this was going. I remember telling him so.


“Oh come on, how will I know I can trust you?” was what he said before he kissed me. We had kissed before this but I remember feeling like I had a choice to make. How badly did I want to be with him? It was what I had wanted for so many years and here it was. All I had to do was give him over everything I had. All I had to do was give him my virginity - a gift I had since then held very dear to me.


Could I do that?

Should I do that?


I remember wrestling with myself as I tried to push him away so I could think. I remember telling him to “get off of me, please”. I told him “if I’m going to do this, I need to feel right about it and I don’t right now.” He told me it wouldn’t feel right my first time so that I should just trust him and that I would feel so great after. He bound my hands in his as he slipped my dress up over my head until my hands were tangled.


That’s when I started to get legitimately scared. I was undressed and I didn’t want to be. I tried multiple times to bring my hands back down and put my dress back on but everything I tried, he resisted my efforts and said, “if I had known you were so hot….”


He asked about protection. Of course I didn’t have any. I wasn’t planning on anything like this happening to me. I said, “I don’t have any.” He continued down the path anyways. I told him again, “please get off of me” and “not tonight. Not like this. My first time shouldn’t be like this.” I tried to close my legs and sit up. I held my legs and knees together with all of my might.


It was when he forced MY legs apart with aggression that my body and mind began to shut down. I froze. Something in me felt paralyzed with fear of what could possibly happen next.


That’s when I began to cry.


The reality of what he was trying to manipulate me to do washed over me. And the reality of what he would possibly force on me crashed on top of me in the weight of his body holding me down.


I cried. My hands were tangled over my head in my dress but I lowered them down as I heard my dress seams ripping apart. My hands were free to push him away. He resisted my attempts to free myself. My mind was screaming at me to “do something we’re about to shut down!” So I grabbed him around the neck fiercely and held him to me. If I couldn’t get him off of me, I could at least hold him down so he couldn’t force his way inside of me.


I cried louder and said, “I’m sorry, I can’t do this.”


He punched the pillow right beside my head. Hard. So close I thought he was going to hit me in the face. He was angry. Angry that I was crying loud enough to wake anyone who was asleep upstairs.


I released his neck and looked into his face. No longer did I see the man I thought he could be, but the boy who only wanted one thing from me. The boy who would never love me. The boy who would take and take everything from someone who loved him for his own selfish desires.


I struggled out from underneath him and I couldn’t say a word. I didn’t even understand what had just happened but I knew that it could’ve been so much worse. His anger that he didn’t get his way was evident. As he put his own clothes back on, he didn’t speak a word. He just seethed and glared at me.


Finally, before opening my door to leave, he made the whole thing about him not being able to trust me after all, called me a tease, and made it my fault.


And with that, he shut the door and left. A few moments later I heard his truck driving away. I cried myself to sleep that night and many nights after. I spent months doubting if I should’ve just done it. Would we be together if I had? We hardly spoke after. And when we did, it was presented that I was the one in the wrong and I had to apologize for what happened.


But here’s the thing…..did he technically rape me? No. Would he have tried? I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that I was pushed past my own boundary by someone using force against my own attempts to stop him. What I do know is that my “no” was ignored and dismissed. Even though I was able to stop him eventually, it doesn’t mean I wasn’t taken advantage of and manipulated. No, he didn’t get my virginity that night, but he did steal something from me that night.


And it took a lot of healing for that to be redeemed and restored. But I thank God that it was.


That I was.


Here’s what I’ve learned:


I don’t have to compromise myself to be loved.
I don’t have to earn a man’s respect- it should be freely given.
I don’t have to give everything I have for the possibility of receiving a man’s affections.
I don’t have to do anything with my body that I’m not ready for or comfortable with.
I don’t have to convince anyone to love me or be with me.
I don’t have to have sex to prove anything to anyone.
I don’t have to play the game.
I don’t have to apologize for my “no”.


And I’m so thankful to God for gifting me a spouse who teaches me that a real man wouldn’t ever ask me to.


Mitchell, my husband, a real man, wouldn’t ever ask me to. 

The day I decided to stay: an open letter to my loved ones

I remember that day vividly. Almost 2 years it's been. But still, I remember that day. The day I decided to stay. 

There would've been letters for you to read.

Mom, to thank you and say how your strength was something I wish I had. How much I loved you and hoped you would find happiness. How I hoped you would understand and not be mad at me for leaving.

My brothers, to say how I hoped you'd continue to take care of mom and of yourself and that I'd hope you would find love and a family to take care of like you did ours. That you'd know that Jesus loves you and has a plan for you. That you'd know how much I loved you and worried about you finding happiness, joy and peace. You'd find instructions on where to find the many prayers I wrote and prayed for you. Journals upon journals of them.

Mitchell you would've read apologies. How I was sorry I couldn't be stronger and get through it. Wishes for you to move on and love again.

Those letters that were meant to stay in my place. Those letters are gone now. Instead of reading them, I hope you'll read this: why I decided to stay.

As easy as it would've been for me to just give in, give up, and believe it wouldn't really matter, I couldn't help but think about you. All of you who would have to hear the news of what I'd done. I thought about you for just a second.....and that was all it took. To think about what this would mean for you. If this would matter to you. How this would matter to you.

That split second just moments before, was all it took for me to realize that as bad as I thought it all was, I realized that as bad as I thought I was, as much of a screwup as I believed I was, I realized that despite all of my shortcomings and feeling unknown, I mattered to you. I mattered.

I mattered to you. I still matter to you. Despite anything and everything, I matter. Not because of what I do or who I am, but simply because I exist. I matter because of the spirit that was placed inside of me.

In that moment, I decided to believe you. I decided to believe that I matter. I decided to believe.

I made up my mind to trust you, even if I couldn't trust myself yet. I decided to trust you to love me for exactly who I am. I trusted that you don’t have to agree with me completely to accept me completely. You don’t have to understand me fully to love me fully.

Even if I may hate myself, doesn't mean you do. Even if I'm frustrated and angry about my mental illness struggle, doesn't mean you are. Even if I blame myself for it all doesn't mean you do. Even if I feel my life won't amount to anything doesn't mean it won't. Even if I am scared you couldn't possibly love me if you knew who I was really was doesn't mean you wouldn't. Even though I'm a mess at times. Even though I'm still trying to figure it all out. Even though my journey looks different than anyone could have anticipated.

You would never see death as my best and only option. Nothing I could do or say would make that worth it. Nothing would be able to justify it for you. I would never be so worthless in your eyes that death was my best choice. 

Your faith in me is why I decided to stay. Mattering to you far outweighs the fear of failure and rejection that told me to give up and take those pills and end it.

I decided to stay. I wanted to stay to be able to tell you and show you that you matter to me, too. I understand now that I matter to you. I hope you know that you matter, too. Simply because you exist and have a life inside of you, that’s enough to make you matter.

Thank you for loving me and believing in me enough that even in my darkest, most hopeless moment, I could remember and know that I mattered to you. Mattering to you saved my life.

There are no longer letters of goodbye and regret for you to read. There's only this one to tell you how much you matter to me. 

Your faith in me restored my hope. I love you all, each and every one of you, and nothing in this world could ever change that. 

Love always,

Emily 

You'll Be In My Heart

Hello from MN!


Honestly, there’s so much to update and I can’t even begin to dive into it all right now. There was just a small story from today that I just had to write before I forgot any of the details. I promise, more updates to come soon!

Today was a hard day of teaching. I”ve been in my new classroom for 3 weeks now and it’s the usual- testing the new teacher and surveying her weak spots. Nothing I didn’t expect. Usually I’m strong enough to handle anything the 4-5 year olds throw my way. Usually.

Today, I just wasn’t. I’m not sure if it was my previous post about my dad and the experience I had yesterday. It makes me emotional whenever I think of the connection he and I have with teaching. It’s special to me, and I know it would’ve been special to him too.

So it could’ve been my post from this morning and the tenderness of that experience, or just one of those “weepy” days. I’m not sure. But for whatever reason, I forgot my thick skin at home, and today was extremely emotional for me in and out of the classroom. I was taking what my 5 year olds were saying to me personally. I somehow forgot that they’re just kids learning how to respect others.

It didn’t help things that Phil Collins “You’ll Be in My Heart” started playing in the classroom and I remembered it being my dad’s FAVORITE Disney song of all time. I teared up during a game of Uno and had to try my best to not start sobbing in front of a sweet 5 year old girl who probably would’ve just gone to get me a tissue. She’s so sweet.

My break could not come soon enough! I barely made it to my car when I just had to let the stress and frustration of the day, mixed with the emotion and tenderness of thinking so much about my dad hit me. And boy, it hit me. I just started driving just to drive, and as I did, I let myself release the cry that was weighing so heavy on my heart. There’s something very therapeutic about a good cry that’s been building up and starts to weigh you down. I call these the “necessary cries”.

Call me cheesy or whatever but I decided to turn on the Phil Collins Tarzan song and it ended up being the right call. Because although it made me cry even harder, I realized that the song has even more special meaning to me now. It is no longer just my dad’s favorite Disney song, but it’s as if it is his message to me, and to all of his loved ones. I listened to it probably 4 times in a row with this perspective and instead of making me feel sad and depleted, it made me feel stronger and stronger.

“This bond between us can't be broken. I will be here. Don't you cry. Cause you'll be in my heart. Yes, you'll be in my heart from this day on now and forever more.”

There will be hard days obviously. Sometimes inside the classroom, other times outside. But today was yet another reminder that Jesus sees us in those moments, and He sends us the messages we need to hear, right when we need them most.

And I’m so thankful that there is a saint in heaven championing me on in whatever it is I do with the life I am given.


#RunwithRandy

“When destiny calls you. You must be strong. I may not be with you, but you've got to hold on.”

Visits from Heaven

Every now and then, I'll have these special experiences that I believe are my dad's presence coming from heaven to let us know it's all going to be okay. Yesterday I had another.







I've been at my new job for a couple weeks now. It's been an emotional transition, as all change is. The highlight of my day is taking a quick walk though this very small park across the road from the school I teach at. I walk through the paths that leads me to this bench that I sit at for a few minutes just looking out across the small pond just to relax and take it all in. It's become my little ritual. Yesterday as I arrived at my usual bench, there in the place right beside where I usually sit.......these rocks were there in the shape of a heart. I smiled and cried because I KNOW that my dad was sitting there waiting for me. I don't know why and I don't know how. I can't explain how or why. I just KNOW without any doubt that he sat for a few minutes with me in my special spot. I cried, and then went back to school, where every single day, I honor my dad by being the kind of patient, kind, empathetic, passionate teacher that he was.