My Favorite Antidepressant

It's been a hard couple of days. Re-living the week we experienced a year ago has been painful. It has brought up so many memories. Memories of our time in the hospital, but also memories of dad. It's all a part of the healing process of moving forward, but it doesn't mean it's always pleasant. In fact, it's quite ugly at times. 

Like today.

Today was the second day this week where I couldn't get out of bed. There wasn't anything wrong with my legs, rather, I couldn't find any motivation to get out of bed. The weight of it all was just too much at times. The pain of the memories can be crushing. It just seemed easier to stay in bed with the covers over my head, only to come out when I felt like watching some thoughtless show on Netflix. No, these haven't been my finest or most graceful moments. 

But you know what? I'm okay with that. It means I'm human. I'm not handling this perfectly; there's no perfect way to handle this. I'm taking each day as it comes and these past few days have been harder than others that's for sure.

Now for the silver lining.

I'm beyond amazed and thankful for the way God made us as human-beings. Because on days like today, when my depression and grief feel too heavy to bear and I can't imagine feeling any better, I remember that God made me in such a way that I have the power to do something to make myself feel better.

So, I decided to exercise. 

Yes, this may seem a little too practical for the subject matter I'm applying it to, but hear me out! I'm not the only one in the world to experience the power we've been given to completely lift our moods and make ourselves feel worthwhile again just by moving our bodies and releasing those "feel good" hormones. Trust me, after the days I've been having, I need a lot of the "feel good" ones to counter-act the "life is hopeless" and sad ones.

My workout isn't magic. It didn't take away the pain of the situation. Not even a little bit. But, it gave me a more clear, more invigorated mind. And that is just what I need these days.

My husband Mitchell always tells me, "you'll never regret it once you're done." He is right. I never regret working out once I've done it. I always regret the workouts I don't do. These days, I workout to feel better. And it's really helping on those days when I feel like I can't even get out of bed. If I can get myself to start, I can almost always push myself to finish. 

I'm so thankful God gave us this gift. The power to fight off the depression we all feel from time to time with something as simple as a workout. Don't underestimate the power it has. I've seen it!


TIP: Find a fit friend. My friend Mary has been my fitness/health inspiration and encourages me to press on. 


Those are my thoughts today. I'm thankful for exercise. It may seem like too practical of a thing to be thankful for.....but I don't think there's anything that is too practical that we shouldn't be thankful for it.

Today, I'm grateful that one of the most powerful and under-used antidepressants is inside of me, and I have the power to unlock it any time I need it. That's a pretty cool gift! 

Standing on WHAT promises?

My thoughts for today aren't long. This post will be short, but these words were placed on my heart and as a writer, I have to write about it!

As I was reading in God's Word today, I parked on a verse in Hebrews.

"Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise."- Hebrews 10:23

I don't know about you, but I've been doing a lot of holding tightly to hope. The hope of heaven, the hope of seeing my dad again, the hope of every bad thing in this world being made right, and living forever with Jesus. That's the hope I'm holding onto. 

But.......if you're like me and grew up hearing the phrase, "God is faithful. God will keep his promises" I always just accepted that as truth. 

I didn't question it. 

But maybe I should've.....

I believe that what the Bible says can be trusted. However, it wasn't until I sat on this verse that I began to ask the question, "WHAT exactly has God promised me?" After all, how can be really believe in God's promise if we aren't even sure what it is? My Type A personality needs to know what it is I'm believing. 

It's BEYOND crucial to understand just what it is that God promises to those who love Him and believe in Him. The pages of scripture are full of His promises to us, so this isn't an exhaustive list, but it blessed my heart so much today when I sat down and actually made a list of all of the things I know God has promised me. 

God promises:

To love me

To provide for me

To comfort me

To heal me

To protect me

To defend me

To guide me

To forgive me

To strengthen me

To save me

To shine through me

To save me

To hear me

To see me

To come through for me

To always be with me

He has promised these things to you, friend. The only question is, have you decided to believe Him? My hope and prayer is that you have. I'm praying that whoever is reading this post right now will choose to believe that God promises these things to us and that He WILL make good on His promises. After all is said and done, I'd rather live my life believing in these things, than live a life not believing in the God of all hope. Because without hope, what else is there really? Without God, there is nothing. 

There is a God out there who promises to love you, provide for you, comfort you, heal you, protect you, defend you, guide you, forgive you, strengthen you, shine through you, save you, hear you, see you, come through for you, and to always be with you. And He WILL make good on His promises to you and to me. You and I can trust Him.

With joy,

Emily

Moving Forward is Good

As a part of my normal nightly routine, I went back to our bedroom where it is quite, plugged in my new diffuser (loving it!) and grabbed my journal, Bible, and began to read through one of my devotions. I can always count on these 10 minute writings to speak some sort of truth into my life and heart, and it always promotes a sense of calm in me when I'm leaning over the pages of God's word. However, the truth that was given to me tonight not only spoke to my heart, it pierced my heart in the best way possible and resounded into a very deep place. I practically shouted for joy and praise when I had this realization of just how present and protective our God is. 

The teaching was about hurrying, you know the hot topic these days of being "too busy" and trying to not rush through life. Don't get me wrong, it's a very valid point and it's a very important lesson for all of us to learn. But I've read so many teachings and blog posts and books on this subject of trying to find perspective in the craziness of life.

More than I care to admit, life causes me to ask these sorts of questions and have these sort of thoughts: "What step should I take next? Where am I going in life? What was I created to do? What was the point of all that painful stuff I went through in my past? I'm so ashamed that I did that. I'm so embarrassed that that happened to me."

Now can you see where my potential for anxiety comes from? My "need to know" obsession with what the future holds for me, as well as pain, regret, shame, and discontent with what has happened to me in the past, yes these are things I think about from time to time.  But I have a feeling I'm not the only one (Please tell me I'm not alone in this!)

It's true that I'm in a season of life where God has intentionally and radically slowed me down. After graduation, after the wedding, I jumped full force into married life, working a job in RETAIL (I love shopping retail, I now know I don't enjoy working it) and still had many unresolved issues of grief, depression, trauma, and anxiety to deal with. For those of you that have already heard that story, you know its a long one. Rather than get into it all again, check out my post My Own Understanding here to get yourself caught up on that part of my journey.

Where was I? Oh, right. In the season where I was slowed down. In many ways it was beautiful. I had so much time to refocus and heal emotionally, I was able to really grow closer to Mitchell, and I was able to really spend a lot more time studying God's Word and growing more and more in my faith and relationship with Him. Such a blessing in that regard! I love what I was able to experience because of Jesus in this time. I took some time off working and just really started taking care of myself and of my new husband. :) What felt like full days to me at the time, were free of one thing......hurry. They were free of hurry. Finally, I had a time in my life where I didn't feel rushed to get into the next thing and I didn't feel like I needed to quick figure anything out. God really taught me the importance of just being. 

It was a time I will be forever grateful for. But as I'm sitting here, looking back, ready to head into a new season, one where I dip my toes in other things to fill my time, I started serving on Sunday mornings in Cross Point Kids Ministry. Those kiddos give my heart so much joy!! I also volunteer with the CP staff two days a week. I can't even begin to describe how happy I am to be back in that environment, being a part of a ministry and a church community that I love. I'm so thankful God had this opportunity to volunteer and serve for me. That's what I'm currently doing now. So you can about guess what I'm about to ask....."what's next?"

I don't think it's all bad to look forward to the future. I don't. It's when we RUSH into the future guns blazing and blow right past the pace that God is leading us, that's when we get into trouble. Case and point- what happened to me at the beginning of the summer. I rushed into what I thought I needed to do and it turned out, it wasn't God's best for me. Lesson learned the hard way.

What I've learned is that moving forward is good. It's scary, but it's necessary.

Looking back is good, too. Looking back is the only way I'm able to trust my unknown future to a known God. I see time and time again where He has proven Himself loving and faithful to me and to others in my life. If I didn't take the time to notice God's faithfulness in my past, it makes trusting Him with my future a lot harder. Additionally, I don't think it's bad to look back and to reflect and remember our past. When we get stuck in regret and shame from the past, that's a different story, but once we're healed from the pain of our past, it's okay to look back and remember the lessons it taught us and reflect on the memories we have.

So here I stand, 22 years old, freshly graduated, newly married, feeling stronger, ready to move forward. I have been dipping my toes in the water, taking baby half steps towards the future God has for me. Ever so gently, I feel God nudging me along, increasing the pace at which I'm moving. At the beginning of the summer, it was slow, like "get out of bed before 2pm and you're winning" slow. But then it started moving to where I was able to get out of the house, volunteer, serve, meet up with old friends, and eventually, be brave enough to meet new people, step into new situations. I was moving forward without even really realizing I was doing it. 

As I was sitting here reading my devotional for the night, I started reflecting and thinking about all of this, and what it really means to me as a follower of Christ. A verse from Isaiah was highlighted, and this is what I was talking about when I said it pierced me. It pierced me so deeply, it motivated me to devote an entire blog post to it. Simply journaling about it wasn't enough.

It says in Isaiah 52:12 "You will not leave in a hurry, running for your lives. For the LORD will go ahead of you; yes, the God of Israel will protect you from behind." 

God goes ahead of me. He is the one leading me, yes, but time and time again, I think I see where He's leading me, and I think "oh, yeah. I know the way now, I know where I'm going" and I rush way ahead and go go go as fast as I can to try and get to where I think I'm supposed to go. Once I think I know the way, I go for it with abandon. Tonight, this verse spoke convicting truth to my heart: not only does God go before me to show me the way; God goes before me to set the pace. God sets the RIGHT pace of my life. His pace isn't going to be so fast that I become drained. He establishes a pace of life that is going to be best for me. I can set the pace just fine for myself, but like it usually is with running, I usually start out too fast and end up going a pace I can't sustain for very long. I get burned out. That's not how God's pace setting works. He knows what I can and cannot handle. I'm perfectly fine letting Him set the pace for my life because I've seen life at my own pace and it was a hurried and exhausted mess. 

The verse also says that God follows behind me. Yes, God is so powerful and so beyond our understanding, and He can actually be in more than 1 place at 1 time. He can go ahead and also be there to protect me from behind. (Wait, how cool is that?!) With God following behind me, that means that nothing from my past is able to sneak up on me. Not if I'm trusting God to be my protection. I'm still able to look back and see the lessons, I can still see the memories. God is there behind me to make sure I don't get stuck in one place. He is there to encourage and guide me along and He keeps me moving forward.

What encouraging truth!! God promises to go before me, to blaze the trail, and set the pace, but he also follows behind me to make sure I don't get preoccupied in the past and keeps my feet moving forward AT HIS PACE. Wow. This lesson could not have come at a better time in my life. As I stand here, I'm on the brink of something new....I can feel it. 

I'm stronger than I was.

I'm ready for what God has planned for me. 

I'm ready for what's next. 

I'm finally moving forward.

I'm so grateful that I get to share my journey with you, friends. Thank you for following along. 

With so much gratitude for what's behind and abundant joy for what's ahead, 

Emily