Forgive me that my New Year blessing is a little late. I hope 2016 has been full of joy and love for all of you. I know it has been the start of a great year for us. I'm so thankful.
2015 ended with us spending quite a bit of time with our family at Buck Saw Lodge. Mitchell and I both agreed that there was no other place we would’ve rather been than with our family who genuinely enjoys being together and loves each other so freely.
Thanksgiving….the 2nd without dad. I don’t imagine it gets any easier, but there is no doubt we have so much to be thankful for. He was in our hearts, and we all remembered him in our own way. Of course, since it was a Sipe family gathering, the food was delicious and in abundance. Just the way Mitchell likes it ;) HA!
A couple weeks later we were home in Breckenridge for “Breath of Heaven” cantata. One of our family’s favorite Christmas traditions. It’s been so special to have Mitchell a part of this for the last 2 years. It was such an honor to sing “Breath of Heaven” and imagine myself as Mary, scared by the incredible calling God placed on her life, and all of the unknowns she must’ve had. It was an incredible weekend and it definitely put us all in the Christmas spirit. :)
This was the first Christmas for all of us at Buck Saw Lodge. None of us thought the BSL couldn’t get any better after the summer we had, but Christmas there was just as amazing! It was a time spent cuddling by the fire, taking walks outside in the snow, eating food, drinking shakes, playing card games, taking selfies, singing around the piano, knitting (Annie), talking, laughing, taking hot tubs, bowling, watching movies and lots of Shark Tank, eating some more, and most importantly, just enjoying being together. I’ll never forget Mitchell said as we crawled into bed late one night, “I just love it here.” It made my heart swell to hear him say that with a huge grin across his face. I agreed with his statement wholeheartedly.
A week or so later and it was time to celebrate all that 2015 was and all that 2016 will be! I love New Years so much because as a natural born planner/dreamer/goal-setter, I love what a new year means…..time to make all kinds of dreams and plans and goals. 1 month in and I’m so proud of the progress we’re making towards some of those dreams we had for 2016. I’ve said so many times that 2015 was, for the most part, a year of survival for us, of just getting by, of trying to keep our head above water. But as I was praying about 2016, I couldn’t help but feel that 2016 was going to be different. It was going to a be a year of preparation. A year of getting ready for what’s to come. What is that exactly? I have no idea, but I do know that God has a plan and it’s already in the works for us. :) I can’t wait to see what the other 11 months of 2016 hold.
It is 100 million percent true that the holiday season for us was full of love, laughter, and family. But I’d be lying if I said that the last few months have been a breeze for Mitchell and I. Far from it. Standing here on the other side of some of the hardest situations and conflicts I’ve had to face, I can say that I’m thankful that God led us out of the thicket and into a place of calm at just the right time. We’ve learned a lot about each other through it all and against all odds, it’s made our marriage so much stronger than I ever imagined possible.
God has used this time to teach me so much about conflict as a Christian, forgiveness, grace, letting go and the healthy need for distance.
If we’ve learned anything it is that everyone in the world needs a little help dealing with life from time to time. With the help of our therapist, we’ve reached the other side of some really hard obstacles. If you’ve been around my blog before, you know that I was a strong advocate for therapy before, but we’re both so grateful for what counseling has done for our marriage, our lives, and our emotional and spiritual growth, we believe in it for everyone and anyone. Nobody is perfect. Nobody is too put together. We all need help. (Click here for more of my thoughts on therapy)
In hindsight, standing on a foundation that is much more solid, looking back over the wreckage, the last few months serve as a piercing reminder to myself as much as anyone else on forgiveness. The grace God gives me for the mistakes I make on a daily basis and the way I fail Him serves as a model for me to follow when others hurt me and prove themselves to be just as imperfect as I am. It’s a sobering reminder, but a reminder we all need nonetheless.
But just because forgiveness is right and good, doesn’t mean it’s easy. God never said it would be. In fact, I’ve never been able to forgive someone without His help. Because the truth of the matter is, there has never been a time in my life where I have been more hurt by someone else’s words and actions. There has also never been a time in my life where I’ve been someone so unlike myself, that I too was saying and doing things I knew were hurting others.
It’s a vicious cycle, isn’t it?
When we’re hurt, we want to hurt them back even worse. When we’re offended, we want to offend even more. When we’re cut, we want to cut deeper.
Not only is this cycle vicious; it’s toxic.
So toxic and so intoxicating, that it’s hard to find your way out once you’ve entangled yourself in it’s web. I’m thankful to God for sending me a man who has a way of leading me out of the darkness, into the way of life. He protects me, he fights for me, and he reminds me that in situations like this, with people who have it in their hearts to hurt like this, sometimes the best thing to do is to just walk away.
I’ll never forget one night I was at my worst. Feeling so incredibly small, helpless, hated, worthless, unlovable, and angry. My sweet mama and husband were sitting with me listening to me blubber through tears, “what more can I do?” After putting so much of my heart out there, and trying and trying to be a good person and do what I believed in my heart to be right, it still wasn’t enough. The painfully true, and long overdue reality check came from my older brother when he reminded me that sometimes, for some people, my best, no matter how much it takes out of me, it will never ever, ever be enough.
That’s when they all were able to remind me that being a Christian doesn’t mean being everyone’s doormat. Loving and kind people are allowed to distance themselves from toxic situations and toxic people, especially when those situations and those people bring out the very non-Christian side of me, which unfortunately, was incredibly true in this case. Hate breeds hate. Eventually, someone has to stop adding fuel to the fire and just let the flames turn to embers over time. So, as painful as it was to face this reality, that’s what we had to do. And no, we don’t feel guilty for it.
I’ll never forget one night I was at my worst. Feeling so incredibly small, helpless, hated, worthless, unlovable, and angry. My sweet mama and husband were sitting with me listening to me blubber through tears, “what more can I do?” After putting so much of my heart out there, and trying and trying to be a good person and do what I believed in my heart to be right, it still wasn’t enough. The painfully true, and long overdue reality check came from my older brother when he reminded me that sometimes, for some people, my best, no matter how much it takes out of me, it will never ever, ever be enough.
That’s when they all were able to remind me that being a Christian doesn’t mean being everyone’s doormat. Loving and kind people are allowed to distance themselves from toxic situations and toxic people, especially when those situations and those people bring out the very non-Christian side of me, which unfortunately, was incredibly true in this case. Hate breeds hate. Eventually, someone has to stop adding fuel to the fire and just let the flames turn to embers over time. So, as painful as it was to face this reality, that’s what we had to do. And no, we don’t feel guilty for it.
Guard your heart from those who seek to destroy all that is good in it.
God spoke very clearly to me at this time and told me that the spirit He had placed inside of me and the spirit he had placed inside of Mitchell needed to be protected. I had no idea how to even begin protecting it and repairing the damage that had been done to my heart, to my life, to my husband’s heart, my husband’s life, to our marriage, the marriage that was still so new and in need of nurturing.
It makes me so sad that there are evil forces in this world that seek to destroy the good we fight so hard to find and keep alive. I’m commanded to give grace. I’m commanded to forgive. I’m commanded to turn my cheek and not retaliate in anger. Does it mean I should allow my heart to continually be raked against the hottest coals of my life? No. Because it wasn’t doing anyone any good at all. The truth was, it was killing me. It was killing my relationships. It was killing my marriage. It was killing the spirit God had given me to have an open and loving heart. At a certain point, I realized it was time to stop letting others try and steal that away from me. That was not their right. I didn’t need to be giving them so much power to determine whether or not I was going to have a good or bad day. They didn’t define who I was and who I am. God does.
But with so much pain, and so much hurt. Was the damage beyond repair?
In a place of such utter hopelessness, God met us in the darkest place and showed us there was a way out. All we had to do was hold onto the vows we made to each other, no matter who or what tried to tear them apart, and take each step together. God is showing us the way to restoration and forgiveness. 2016 feels like a new year for us. In many ways, we’re learning what the first few months of marriage should have typically been like, but nothing about our marriage thus far has been what I would describe as “typical”. I’ve experienced more high mountaintops and lower and low valley experiences these last 8 months than I ever thought possible, but I’m now more convinced than ever that God knew exactly what He was doing when He placed Mitchell and I together.
Against the toughest of odds, against some of the most vicious and downright hateful things we’ve endured, our marriage is stronger than ever. Despite even the most ruthless attempts to convince us to throw in the towel and give up, we persevered. God held us together. And that is all thanks and praise to Jesus. If it were just the two of us in this, this marriage would’ve ended the week we got back from our honeymoon, but we were very intentional on our wedding day that this wouldn’t be a marriage of 2, no, we desired a marriage of 3. Jesus at the center of it all.
Against the toughest of odds, against some of the most vicious and downright hateful things we’ve endured, our marriage is stronger than ever. Despite even the most ruthless attempts to convince us to throw in the towel and give up, we persevered. God held us together. And that is all thanks and praise to Jesus. If it were just the two of us in this, this marriage would’ve ended the week we got back from our honeymoon, but we were very intentional on our wedding day that this wouldn’t be a marriage of 2, no, we desired a marriage of 3. Jesus at the center of it all.
It’s a lesson I’ll probably never stop learning….that my worth and acceptance isn’t based on how others see, perceive, or think they know me. My identity is in Christ. Period. Others can try and define me in other ways and they can see me however they want, but as long as I’m doing all that I can to shine the light of Jesus, that’s all that He has ever asked of me, and that’s all I can expect out of myself. Can I expect to be liked by absolutely everyone? Unfortunately not. Can I expect to be accepted by absolutely everyone? Unfortunately no. Can I expect to be understood and known by absolutely everyone? No! But Jesus….yes Jesus promises to LOVE me, to ACCEPT me, and He KNOWS me and UNDERSTANDS me. And that, for maybe the first time in all my life, is okay with me. I’m at peace, because love, acceptance, and being known by Jesus is MORE than enough for me. :)
I’m not saying we get that right all of the time. Are we perfect? Heavens no. But it is the deepest desire of our hearts to have a marriage, to have a family, to have a life that pleases God and points others to Jesus. My prayer every night is this……”let our life be the proof of Your love.”
All of our hopes and dreams for 2016 are rooted in this desire. We’ve made it a point to say “no” to the things that don’t breathe life. And say, “yes” to the things that do. God is continuing to amaze us by what He’s already done in our life. He’s sent us friendships that have grown into some of the most God-honoring friendships we’ve ever experienced. We’ve been given new opportunities, new adventures that are teaching us all about faith and trust. We’re beginning to look ahead with a lot more joy and a little less fear. 2016 has been good to us so far. I pray that it’s been good to you, too!
God is mending mine and Mitchell’s hearts. I know He’ll restore us. I believe we will be more than fine. I can’t wait to share more of our journey with you all here. 2016 is going to be a good one, I believe that for us, and I believe that for you. :)
Until next time,
Emily
