A Beautiful Mess

I feel the need to preface this blog post by saying, it may be a bit of a mess, but to be honest, my life the last couple of months has been a bit of a mess. Therefore it makes sense that there may be occasional (or frequent) spelling/grammar errors. To be honest, this post is going to be exhausting to write, so I may or may not proofread it. We'll see how I feel when I get to the end of writing! 

I consider myself extremely lucky that until just recently, I myself was somewhat a stranger to death. God always seemed to protect me from having to experience the pain that comes from losing someone close to you. Over the last couple months, I feel as if I have become very well acquainted with loss and suffering.

For those that may not know, my sweet Grandpa Berndt passed away on October 2nd. I had my first taste of what it felt like to lose someone close to me. It was a taste I didn't like at all. He had been sick in the hospital and I'm so grateful that Mitchell and I were able to see him just a week before he passed away. When I first got the news that Grandpa was sick, I was overcome with a homesick feeling so strong, I wanted to drop everything and just go home.  I wanted to see Grandpa, and I wanted to be there for my dad. He loved his dad so much and I knew how sad he was. Mitchell and I made a quick weekend trip home. While we were at the hospital, Grandpa was alert, responsive, and for the most part, seemed to be on the mend. I never would've imagined that just a week later, I would be returning home for his funeral. Before we got ready to leave the hospital for the night, I bent down to give Grandpa a hug goodbye. Now, for those that know my Grandpa personally, you know he was a very loving man, but he wasn't necessarily the most affectionate or the most vocal about expressing his love. I knew he loved us without him even having to say it. But for some reason, this night he pulled me into his arms and held me as tight as he could. It was then that my Grandpa told me he loved me for the first time in my life. I can't remember any other time when he outright said the words, "I love you" to me. It was extremely significant and meaningful to us. My mom and I still talk about that gift to this day. I firmly believe it was a gift that God gave me. He brought us home that weekend so I could hear my grandpa tell me he loved me before the Lord took him home. A week later, Mitchell and I were hanging out at his place when I received the call from my dad. He didn't even have to say anything. I could tell from the tears that choked him up that Grandpa had gone home to heaven. I remember telling my dad how sorry I was, and that I loved him so so so much! We cried on the phone together for awhile and exchanged I love you's. Mitchell and I made travel arrangements to head home to be with my family. It was good to reconnect as a family and remember the amazing memories we shared because of Grandpa. We had an amazing celebration of the life of an amazing man!

Grandpa and I at our engagement party this summer! Love his smile here! 

This photo was taken at Grandpa's funeral.
This is the last family photo we have all together.
This picture is so special for us!

The week following Grandpa's funeral services, Mitchell and I spent some time at home for Fall break. It was so great to be together as a family! Looking back on it all, God was preparing us for the coming weeks. He gave us so much special time together as family. We are so grateful for that time we spent laughing, hanging out, going for walks, sitting around the table, sharing a glass of wine, and just doing what families do! Such a blessing it was to be able to spend that time with my dad. Here I was thinking I was just being there to support and love him. I really had no idea it would end up being so precious to my heart in the weeks ahead. None of us had any idea the nightmare that was coming.

On Sunday, October 26th, I got a call from my mom early in the morning. My ringer was off and it was totally a God thing that I happened to roll over and see the light of my screen with "Incoming call from Mama" flashing. Right away she told me, "honey, I'm on the way to your hospital. Your dad had a heart attack out running." Wait, what?! My dad had a heart attack? I was in shock! Talk about a total wakeup call. Mom really had no idea what was happening at this point but she promised to keep me updated. She was on her way to Fargo and would let me know as soon as she knew more. I asked if I could just come home and she told me to wait until they knew what they were dealing with. As soon as we hung up the phone, I called Mitchell. Mom had gotten ahold of him while I was still asleep so he knew what was going on. He was on his way home from church and as soon as he got there, we both started packing up. This was my dad and I was going home. Period. I had no idea how long to pack for; I had no idea what to expect when I got there. I had so much nervous energy I felt like I was going to tear through the walls of my apartment. Mitchell and I found a flight home that would get us there as soon as possible. Within a few hours, we were in Fargo and I was with my brothers and mom on my way up to my dad's hospital room. I stopped a few feet short, too scared to just walk in there. I told my mom, "I'm scared." But she grabbed my hand and helped me move my feet forward. As we rounded the corner in the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit, I saw my daddy lying in the hospital bed. Asleep and hooked up to more machines that I have ever seen. My legs literally buckled underneath me and I fell into Mitchell's arms and sobbed. Why was this happening? My dad is healthy! My dad is fine! NOT my dad!! No no no no!! This is not real life! I gathered my composure as best I could and stepped into dad's room. I grabbed his hand and for the rest of the week, that's where you could find me. I stayed by my dad's bedside holding his hand, talking to him, singing to him, and journaling all of our thoughts so we could look back and remember both the bad and the blessings. Looking back at our writings, we've gained so much perspective on the blessings and the grace God lavished on us.

Mitchell's sister Gracie sent Mr. Snuggle Bear to my house to help me sleep at night. 

Me and dad wearing our matching Team Randy Blessing Bracelets!
I will wear mine forever!

One of the most amazing aspects of this entire journey was the organ donation process. Once we knew that dad was never going to be dad again, we knew we wanted his life to leave a legacy. More than that, we knew that DAD would want to help someone else lead a fuller life. He had checked the organ donor box so we knew this was his wish as well as ours. When we made the decision to move forward with the organ donation process, Sanford Health in Fargo held an organ donation flag ceremony for the family and friends of the donor. We were amazed at the outpouring of support on Friday morning for the raising of the flag! 

Dad passed away at 9:05am on November 1st. How fitting is it that dad went home to be with Jesus on All Saint's Day. I can't think of anyone more Saint worthy than dad! There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss him. There isn't a moment in the day when I don't think about him. He really was the best dad ever. He loved us all so good! God must be so proud of him for being so faithful. I can't wait to see my dad again in heaven. I know he'll be there waiting for me when its my time to go. I can feel him with me every day. At time when I'm really sad, I feel his presence there offering me comfort. I'm really amazed that through this whole nightmare, God has really carried us through it all and been so incredibly faithful. I can't even contain myself from wanting to just SHOUT how GOOD God is, even when He isn't understood! We may not understand His plan, (I sure don't) but he is so so so faithful!

This has been my anthem! Such a good song! 

On the day of dad's prayer service, the cross country team had organized a "Run with Randy"!. We met out at the site dad collapsed at 8:06 (the time he went down). We met there for a prayer and finished the race for dad. So many people showed up to run! Again, we were utterly amazed at the outpouring of support. Dad really touched SO many people and it was so evident all week. 

Dad's prayer service was absolutely packed! There was a steady line of people there waiting to see mom and pay their respects. Again, WOW!!! Dad touched so many people and made such an impact in our community. So many people showed up in their Run with Randy t-shirts! HOW COOL! We are so thankful there are so many people a part of Team Berndt! :) 

It was a tragic, heartbreaking, beautiful, spiritual, exhausting, painful, and love-filled couple of weeks. We cry so many tears of loss and heartache, but we also cry so many tears of love. We all loved dad SO much, and we know he loved us too!

There are many details of that week that I'm simply not going to share. We shared as much as we felt comfortable with on our Caring Bridge site. There you can find all of the medical updates. This post isn't one where I rehash the things we've already shared. Rather, perhaps I'm shedding new light, a new perspective, on my life the last couple of months. While I try and be as open and authentic as possible here on my blog, losing my dad was an experience so deep and so personal, and its not really anyone else's to know or understand. There's something very private about the loss of a parent, and I want to keep the whole experience in my heart for myself to hold onto. That's my prerogative as a grieving daughter, and I hope you, as my blog readers, will understand that at some point, I may be ready to share more, but not now. Maybe not ever.

That all being said, I do want to take the time to say a heartfelt and genuine thank you to everyone who has been so supportive of us the last couple of months. In a time in my life when I have never felt more pain, I also have never felt more loved. Your support means everything to us. Please know that we need it and we appreciate it. Thank you for letting us talk about dad when we want to talk. Thank you for letting us be silent when we're tired of talking. Thank you for letting us cry when we need to cry. Thank you for making us laugh when we need to laugh. Thank you for being there. We love you all and are blessed to have such amazing friends and family!

Run with Randy really is something we feel so blessed to be a part of! We don't really know what the future will hold for this memorial, but we are actively praying about it. If you are interested in praying with us, you can sign-up for daily prayer reminders HERE! Otherwise, visit runwithrandy.com for more information! Like us on Facebook and Follow us on Twitter to follow our story!

These last couple of months have been full of a lot of tears and heartache. But they have also been about family. I've been surrounded by so much of my family and I have loved every minute of it. I think about it and I really am blessed to have the family that I do. My grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, sisters, brothers, and mom, and my future husband- I love them all and I hope they know that!


Matthew had a birthday! He's 18 now! Kathy and Jim rented a limo. No big deal. Actually though, it was AWESOME!!!

Mom, Matthew, and I went to Nashville a couple weeks ago to see Mitchell. He had gone back to school after dad's funeral to get caught up and finish the semester. I also had meetings with my professors to get all of my work to finish out the semester as well. It was so good to see Mitchell again in Nashville!

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Mitchell and I were able to spend some time with his family in PA this last weekend. It was so good to see them again. Mitch and Cherie both came up for dad's services. It was a good weekend spent with Mitchell's siblings and parents! Right now, Mitchell and I are on our way back to Nashville. I decided to make the road trip with him for some much-needed bonding time. I fly back to Minnesota tonight!

There ya have it. Life over the last couple of months- the highlights at least. I don't really have any philosophical or deep to end with. Honestly, that blog post was quite exhausting to write. I don't even think I have the energy to proofread it! I apologize if any spelling/grammar mistakes offended any of you. I just felt like writing but didn't necessarily care about how it sounded. Sometimes we writers write just to write. That was the case today.  I promise to have it more "together" next month. Maybe not though. We'll all just have to patient. It's a long road ahead.

Until next time, remember what's really important. Like family. And being nice to your dad. Tell him you love him!


Emily